Is my husband being unreasonable? - page 6

by Nurse ABC 8,494 Views | 67 Comments

I currently work a med-surg position that is 12 hour days with no weekends. We all know how hard and challenging med-surg is and I have no great love for it. In fact when my required six months is up I'm looking to change to a... Read More


  1. 1
    Quote from dudette10
    Thank you for that. I don't agree with compensating an 18-year old for watching his siblings while his parents work. Families make sacrifices, and kids shouldn't always get paid for stepping up to the plate.

    I hear about kids getting paid to take out the garbage, clean their rooms, get A's on their report cards. What total hogwash.
    He/she is babysitting though...every night when she works. That is a lot of days that the boy/girl has to sacrifice because of that. So they should be a willing participant and be compensated accordingly.

    - From a girl who never got paid to do household chores, nor paid for grades
    Meriwhen likes this.
  2. 1
    We would compensate a child, just as we would compensate any other person watching younger children. Along with compensation would be the expectation that they actually engage and interact with the child, make meals, put them to bed, etc, and not just be a "warm body" in the house.

    Once in a while we don't get home from work before 5:30, and we ask our 14 year old to walk down the street to pick up his 4yo brother and watch him for an hour. We don't pay him for that, but we do pay him if we're going to be gone for several hours, or have a date night. For a regular arrangement where they're watching the child(ren) for several hours, yes, I *would* pay him.
    Meriwhen likes this.
  3. 2
    Everyone makes such valid points! I agree older siblings shouldn't expect compensation for helping out the family esp when their car, gas, phone, etc is all provided for them. However, I also see nothing wrong with providing extra compensation as well when it's not expected or prevents them from working. I'm not dissatisfied by life at all-just my job. This is my second stent through med-surg and I still don't like it. I only took it to get my foot in the door. I have done the specialty I'm trying to move to before and loved it but left due to dangerous staffing levels. I'm in a different facility now and just want to be back in an area I love and enjoy again. If it's going to create too many problems for my family I will wait. My husband would support me if I insisted it's what I really want to do. I haven't insisted yet because I didn't know if it was even reasonable to ask our 18 yr old to help out which they are happy to do-yes I've asked. My husband is very over-protective because of the crap he deals with so i wasn't sure how reasonable he was being compared to most people hence the original question. I haven't even bid on another position yet-was just trying to get the ducks all in a row to see if I should even bid. Thanks to all! It's been a very interesting thread!
    ArrowRN and JBudd like this.
  4. 2
    Why don't you find a job that is more family-friendly? How about a free-standing surgical center? Weekdays only. No weekends. No holidays. Many of my friends with kids did this - it worked for their families. You don't have to have your dream job.

    I think your husband has a very good point.

    Another poster mentioned this not being fair to the 18 year old. I agree with that. On an occasional basis, yes, the 18 year old could watch the kids. But it is not the 18 year old's job to raise the sibilings. It is the parents' job.

    We all come at this from personal experiences. I was the eldest and I was expected to care for my 3 younger siblings. It wasn't a good idea.

    I think you and your husband should work your own schedule around so one of you is available for your kids. Teenagers can get in so much trouble and they still need their parents.

    (Wondering if you are letting your husband read this thread? If so, kudos to him from me).
    Altra and Meriwhen like this.
  5. 5
    This is not something I talk about much, but, if I can help another person... its worth it. I was the picture of what you explained as your 18 year old, except I was 13. I became a birth-father at 13, and my parents where so shocked they said to me "we thought you where gay" and I am... Now I am 34, my twins are 20 years old and recently we connected via FB.... They where shocked to find that I was so young when they where born.... I was a good kid too, and I do not think that what I did makes me a bad person, but it did teach me that teenagers are pretty smart in keeping parents in the dark.... I use to skip school, take the train to Boston for the day, when I was 12-16, my parents had NO clue.... Also, I worked as a pedi/adol psych rn for 7 years, and the things the kids told me- that the parents did not know- where shocking. I am an advocate for trusting your kids, but only as far as you can throw them.... even the best kids (I was a Nazarene Youth Delegate Leader) and lead a double life.... We want to trust our kids, but from my experience, I would err on the side of caution, just my two cents!
    Fiona59, rita359, Spidey's mom, and 2 others like this.
  6. 0
    Quote from Wendy79
    My mom worked in the schools, so she came home every afternoon at the same time we did, in high school. I noticed that most of my friends/acquaintances who didn't have a parent at home in the afternoon... if they were going to get into "trouble" that was the time. Drinking, sex, drugs, shoplifting... everyone knew this was the stretch of the day when there was no parental supervision. (These days, I would add internet porn, chatrooms, cyber-bullying.) It's not that most of the time they consciously said "This is when my parents are out"--it just kind of followed that there was this free time and no adults knew the difference. And I'm talking about "nice", intelligent kids--kids are kids. Some get into trouble, some don't. But I think a regular period of no-parental-supervision leaves that door wide open. Even if YOUR kids aren't interested in any of that, what if their friends start asking "Hey, are both your parents at work tonight? We could..."

    Several people have posted examples here of how they grew up in a situation like this and "turned out just fine", but I think you would find plenty of other people for whom it didn't. Even if nothing dramatic happens, I think it's good for teens to have a sense of security and benign supervision. I was raised to be very independent and confident in my choices, but I think knowing my mother (in my case, she was the one at home) was by default keeping tabs on me and my siblings helped me make good choices and gave me an easy way to say "no" to peer pressure. Honestly, because of developmental stages, I'd be more likely to leave an 8-year-old at home regularly than a 14-year-old.
    Depends on the parents, depends on the kids, depends on a great deal. With all sorts of parental controls in place for computers and TV, if you feel you need that for your kids, so be it. Rules are rules with consequences. With plans and boundries, depending on the dynamics between the kids. Trial periods are good things. I know that if I came home (or not) and/or participated in some of the above behavior, my parents would have kicked my butt. Period. But that takes raising one's kids that way. Which seemingly, the OP has done--her 18 yo is responisble, not into the party scene, and is willing to hang with the younger kids while parents work.
  7. 0
    Quote from kacsper
    This is not something I talk about much, but, if I can help another person... its worth it. I was the picture of what you explained as your 18 year old, except I was 13. I became a birth-father at 13, and my parents where so shocked they said to me "we thought you where gay" and I am... Now I am 34, my twins are 20 years old and recently we connected via FB.... They where shocked to find that I was so young when they where born.... I was a good kid too, and I do not think that what I did makes me a bad person, but it did teach me that teenagers are pretty smart in keeping parents in the dark.... I use to skip school, take the train to Boston for the day, when I was 12-16, my parents had NO clue.... Also, I worked as a pedi/adol psych rn for 7 years, and the things the kids told me- that the parents did not know- where shocking. I am an advocate for trusting your kids, but only as far as you can throw them.... even the best kids (I was a Nazarene Youth Delegate Leader) and lead a double life.... We want to trust our kids, but from my experience, I would err on the side of caution, just my two cents!
    As an aside, now parents can track kids with their cell phones. There are many parents of incredibly "good kids" that keep tabs, often. The school calls if your child isn't there on time. Lots of things in place that were not around 20 years ago.

    kacsper, thank you for sharing your story.
  8. 0
    What is your dream position? What position is it that you are going to try for? Not sure why you won't say. Is there a particular reason you won't divulge the information?
  9. 0
    Quote from cardiacrocks
    What is your dream position? What position is it that you are going to try for? Not sure why you won't say. Is there a particular reason you won't divulge the information?
    Just wanted to mention that we don't have to have our dream jobs. We shouldn't be abused or mistreated at our jobs and we shouldn't work ourselves to death.

    But I know many parents of young, middle and almost out of the house kids who took jobs that work for the family. They didn't expect the spouse and the kids to pay the price for the "dream job".

    I just don't think there is a dream job . . . . no job is perfect.

    For me, family trumps the job.
  10. 0
    Quote from Spidey's mom
    Just wanted to mention that we don't have to have our dream jobs. We shouldn't be abused or mistreated at our jobs and we shouldn't work ourselves to death.

    But I know many parents of young, middle and almost out of the house kids who took jobs that work for the family. They didn't expect the spouse and the kids to pay the price for the "dream job".

    I just don't think there is a dream job . . . . no job is perfect.

    For me, family trumps the job.
    This I know, I'm just curious what job "she" is trying to obtain, that's all. I for one know there is no such thing as "the perfect job." As a matter of fact, nothing in life is perfect. Also, no where did she mention that she was being abused at her current job, she just doesn't care for med-surg, not sure where you came up with that statement. We all have different outlook on life and our jobs, I for one do work a lot, I work a great deal of over time as well, that is what works for me, I know it doesn't work for everyone. She can do whatever she wishes to do, that is her business, I get that. I'm just wondering what type of job she is looking to obtain, I'm just nosy I guess, lol.


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