I didn't think I had any doozies, but then I remembered these....
~ The ward sister who pulled me aside, taking me off the ward, and shut the door behind us in her office on my very first prac placement. She told me that I was obese and therefore a candidate for stomach banding, and did I want to give her friend at private hospital X a call about having the surgery? "Oh, and this is our secret so don't mention it to anyone." She even lifted her shirt and made me feel her abdomen to show me where the band would sit and how well she'd done on it. Stupid me didn't mention it til my last day when my mentor went berserk and was threatening to call the nursing council about her - she was not only touting for business, which is illegal, but she also took two nurses off the floor which compromised patient safety.
~ The same ward sister, now on a different ward on my very last placement before graduation...gynae ward, very important to note whether the post-op ladies had passed flatus which would indicate a return to normal bowel function. In handover, I was trying to inject a bit of humour as we'd all had a really rough day and instead of said 'she is passing very large amounts of flatus regularly' as was written in the notes, I said she was farting like a trooper. Everyone laughed but Sister, who dug her fingernails into my arm and yanked me toward her and whispered in my ear "We do not say fart in MY hospital. The word is flatus. If you do anything like this again I will see to it that you never work here". Of course nobody heard what she said to me, so when we came out my mentor asked about it. I told her and she was less than complimentary about the sister. Two weeks later it was revealed that she had assaulted a student nurse (slapped her face for answering back whilst getting told off for something petty) and was losing her licence to practice. I couldn't wait to get off that ward while she was there, but would love to go back now.
~ Student called Greta who ended up nicknamed 'Bimbo' for her stupid questions in lectures. We had a visiting lecturer from Western Samoa who was talking about cultural and nursing differences between Australia and W.Samoa. Greta sticks up her hand and asks, "Is it true that men are allowed to have more than one wife there?"
Lecturer, born and bred in W.Samoa and married to a W.Sam. man, says "No - some Polynesian/Micronesian/indonesian cultures may practice polygamy but it is not part of the W.Sam. lifestyle."
Greta: "But my dad worked there for 3 months and he said that men there can marry as many women as they want".
Despite being told by the lecturer that this wasn't true, and being asked by the rest of the class to get back to the real purpose of the lecture, she wouldn't drop it.
Her misguided beliefs about different cultures astounded me, especially when we went on a rural prac together and worked in a largely Aboriginal community. Every day she spouted racist and just plain wrong statements, yet when we both applied for the same rural nursing scholarship at the end of the year, she got it and I missed out. I can't hate her though, because she made me go to the party where I met my partner, Jim - probably the only good thing she ever did for me!
Our A+P lecturer, a lovely Chinese man, had an idea to create a contraceptive brief (underwear) for men, working from the theory that excessive heat kills sperm. He wanted to call them "Naughty Noodles Pants". I suggested "Toasty Testes" which he loved -giggled for the rest of the lecture.