Marriage to a Nurse-- Need HELP - page 9

Hi everyone. I am nto a nurse, however I am in a serious relationship with a Student Nurse. We have been talking marriage for some time now but she needs to graduate school. She will be done with... Read More

  1. by   bukko
    [QUOTE=lgflamini]If you want to see how Drs feel about us nurses, go here: http://forums.studentdoctor.net/ and do a search for the word "nurse." They liken us to trained monkeys, etc- not very nice.[QUOTE]

    Just for fun, I checked out one of their political threads. (Thank goodness for fast Internet connections.) What a NASTY, hate-filled bunch these student doctors are! The overweening egos show right through. Their low level of discourse makes this board look like a cloud full of angels. They don't show much intellectual depth, either. This board is a bunch of ancient Greek philosophers by comparison. If they're any representation of what up-and-coming doctors are like, we have much to fear...
  2. by   NeedAdvice1234
    [QUOTE=mitchsmom]"And as far as the heat comments and being upset when getting slammed? Let me ask you when you tell a person that they are going to die from cancer when they look toward you to make them feel better... Do you just say...........
    "Hey your going to die from cancer and your family is going to be left alone and you will not be their to see your kids graduate from college and you will never know your grandchildren LOL ohhhh does that bother you...well we tell it like it is... and if you don't like it get out of the kitchen."


    Yes, that's exactly what I do. What do you think? But we weren't talking about you dying in 6 mos now were we?

    Based on your response listed in the quote above... I no longer need to entertain anymore of your posts.. The fact that you can actually be that cruel to someone your telling that they are going to die from cancer without any sympathy or heart involved just shows me your in no position to offer any advice to me whatsoever
  3. by   NeedAdvice1234
    [QUOTE=Stitchie]
    Quote from ... and doctors when the elevators stop on certain floors.. they are always talking about some scary ****..Like so and so got stuck with a needle and it might be fatal or so and so got punched in the face by a pateietn and now she needs reconstructive surgery... Thats really what got me thinking.

    I have tried to find people to talk to me about it that work here..but noone cares to help the healthy i guess..and rightfully so...who am i to try to have them answer my questions when someone needs meds or real comfort[/QUOTE
    Come on, dude, you have got to be smarter than this. You know that this stuff is the age - old game of telephone! You know, I tell so-and-so that my cat is 6lbs, brown and white with stripes. By the time the story gets back to me cat is now 60 lbs, has two heads, eats the mailman for lunch and sleeps upside down like a bat -- see what I'm getting at? We all love to exaggerate and play the pity game.

    The reason these docs are talking about this stuff is because it is so unusual! Why talk about the boring, everyday stuff that comes your way when the stuff that's really fun to discuss is the unusual stuff? (Please see thread on unusual, disgusting, yucky stories).

    As for helping the healthy, every nurse I know would rather do 60 minutes of preventative teaching, explaining, demonstrating, educating, etc to the healthy than spend 5 minutes giving medication to someone who's problems could have been so easily avoided. To label us as "not being willing to help the healthy" is unfair.

    You came here for help on what it's like to be married to a nurse, but you're attacking the very people who are trying to answer your questions.

    You have earned yourself a "quit your complaining" lecture.

    Healthy people do not come to the ER on a regular basis. That's a fact. People who are inpatients in hospitals today are far more ill than they were 10 years ago. They get home care, outpatient care, etc. Not every patient needs to be an inpatient. Those who are are pretty darned sick.

    I gave you an honest evaluation of how my husband sees our marriage and how we manage our relationship. He knows that my work means the world to me and that I receive profound joy from making a difference in people's lives -- which goes far beyond a paycheck. I come home exhausted, with aching feet and an aching back, with a serious case of caregiver burnout some days. He understands, cooks dinner, draws a bath for me, or gets me a beer -- whatever I may happen to need. Some days I need reassurance. Some days I'm just quiet about my day and don't want to talk, but he's the best husband on the planet because he takes his cues from my behavior, and, I hope, I do the same for him.

    That's what marriage is all about, zillions of people do it every day. Some days are better than others. Just be good to her! There are no 1950's style marriages out there these days. She's not likely to be waiting with martini's and dinner on the table for you and for sure she won't be if you expect her to mind the "young 'uns" while you're off doing "man's work". It's equality.

    I take offense to people (read YOU) who demonize those who are going out of there way to help YOU and pout when they don't like the answers. You came to US, a community of educated, hard working, dedicated people who put up with a lot of crap from a lot of people and go back to it EVERY DAY and shake off the bad stuff. Please grow up and get premarital counseling. Or wait 5 years to get married. And please, please, do not show up in my ER.
    Well sharon first off you state -
    To label us as "not being willing to help the healthy" is unfair.
    I labled no such terms what I said was when i try to talk to the nurses about their jobs the elevator opens and they have to run off to people who really need help rather then trying to explin to me..someone just going off to work lunch or home about what they do... DON"T PUT WORDS IN MY MOUTH

    I demonize those people who look at the people and think...There crazy and make fun of their situations... And try to avoid the entire topic at hand and go off labeling me as some sort of freak... Maybe the real reason people like you wanna bash me is because I am making sure about what my future holds... To the point where it will not matter about drawing baths or fetching dinner or sitting their quiet because poor baby had a rough day.... Maybe what I want is to find the person who I come home to and just enjoy them... and makes the rest of the day dissapear.

    If you have such issues with me and my postings THEN DON"T RESPOND...leave it to the people who are taking time to see where i am comming from and not trying to brush me off.......

    Here u wish i never show up in your ER...but then u try to tell how great it is to help someone.... contradictions all over....Next time read my postings word by word and slowly.. and realize I am not bashing the nurse professions
  4. by   NeedAdvice1234
    Quote from ktwlpn
    I think you need to learn what a healthy relationship IS before you worry about learning what nursing entails.This picture in your head of a quiet evening at the dinner table discussing your day is unrealistic...Dood....that is TV-not always real life.I am tired-he is tired-Kids are crying cats are puking hairballs,housework needs to be done (probably NOT by you)I think that your issues are going to give you problems no matter WHAT your significant other does-if you keep her barefoot and pregnant you will STILL find a reason to be jealous and dount your relationship...You came here for advice and have gotten some good stuff-did you know that we nurses learn some psychology,too?....
    Again I don't understand what 1 posting has to do with my entrie relationship....Tell you what... why don't u tell me what a healthy relatinship is.

    This picture in your head of a quiet evening at the dinner table discussing your day is unrealistic

    How can u say this is unrealitic??? everyone i know who is married be it 3 years or 30 years of marriage have this.

    You came here for advice and have gotten some good stuff-did you know that we nurses learn some psychology,too?....
    Actually YES I DID... However they don't learn it very well..A few classes and everyone is trying to analyze me and lable me as a bad BF and realtionship retarted.... Wrong AGIN...
  5. by   BBFRN
    I believe the quoted post was sarcasm. You are showing a propensity for focusing on the negative. I'm also starting to believe you posted the original post hoping that we would all reply with a "Tell her to run away from nursing as fast as she can!" so that you could have evidence in hand as to why she should change her mind to fit your needs/wants. You didn't hear that, so now I guess your MO is going to be to show her how mean and cruel nurses are. She wouldn't want to turn out like us now, would she? I hope for her sake that she's not that easily manipulated.

    There's a saying that goes something like, "Take what you need and leave the rest." You seem to mostly be taking the negative. I hope you don't do that to your fiancee, because nobody can thrive for too long in that environment. She needs your support right now. Are you able to do that for her, or are you going to sit around thinking of a million BS reasons why she shouldn't do what she wants? She's obviously with you for a reason- because she WANTS to be with you. Let her soar, and she'll continue to want to be with you. Try to stifle and control her, and she'll either turn out to be a product of that environment, or leave you at some point. It's as simple as that.
  6. by   BBFRN
    Quoted by Bukko
    "Just for fun, I checked out one of their political threads. (Thank goodness for fast Internet connections.) What a NASTY, hate-filled bunch these student doctors are! The overweening egos show right through. Their low level of discourse makes this board look like a cloud full of angels. They don't show much intellectual depth, either. This board is a bunch of ancient Greek philosophers by comparison. If they're any representation of what up-and-coming doctors are like, we have much to fear..."


    Yeah, when you read the posts over there, they seem to be a bunch of chest-thumping apes. Then, if you picture most of the interns you know (the pasty, skinny, sheepish guys with that really confused and overwhelmed looks on their faces) it's really hilarious actually, to match those posts with the huge hawking nerds behind them all. Especially when you figure out which ones work at your hospital.
    Last edit by BBFRN on Apr 7, '04
  7. by   NeedAdvice1234
    Quote from lgflamini
    I believe the quoted post was sarcasm. You are showing a propensity for focusing on the negative. I'm also starting to believe you posted the original post hoping that we would all reply with a "Tell her to run away from nursing as fast as she can!" so that you could have evidence in hand as to why she should change her mind to fit your needs/wants. You didn't hear that, so now I guess your MO is going to be to show her how mean and cruel nurses are. She wouldn't want to turn out like us now, would she? I hope for her sake that she's not that easily manipulated.

    There's a saying that goes something like, "Take what you need and leave the rest." You seem to mostly be taking the negative. I hope you don't do that to your fiancee, because nobody can thrive for too long in that environment. She needs your support right now. Are you able to do that for her, or are you going to sit around thinking of a million BS reasons why she shouldn't do what she wants? She's obviously with you for a reason- because she WANTS to be with you. Let her soar, and she'll continue to want to be with you. Try to stifle and control her, and she'll either turn out to be a product of that environment, or leave you at some point. It's as simple as that.
    I just don't get it how the hell do I start off asking straight forward questions... then I get socially anaylized about who i really am...All of you must have had some type of concerns or some fights with your S/O. However, does that make u warped and twisted??? Why can half the people on here actually offer such great advice and insight while others seem to just want to go off topic and pick me apart....
    I thought nursing tells u to pay attention to detail...and if necessary make other assumptions... your assumptions on who I am are not REPATE are not necessary for a posting with straight forward answers...

    If a guy comes in with a broken arm are you going to cast up his entrie body??? Some of you I am sure you will...

    No wonder why there are soooo many people who go into surgery but come out loosing a toe or something.... I can see it now..
    Dr, Pateint is needs to have surgery on his left leg... lets just chopp off the ear while we are at it... make his body symetrical! Begging to realize these accidents are not the doctors fault
  8. by   BBFRN
    Uh, for the record, it's the surgeon's responsibility to determine which limb gets "chopped off."
  9. by   Stitchie
    What does "Repate" mean?

    Anywho, you came here, I REPEAT, to get some insight into what makes a marriage work. I'm giving you insight into how my husband is supportive, and how I hope to be supportive of him. You proceed to attack, and that is simply uncalled for.

    "No wonder why there are soooo many people who go into surgery but come out loosing a toe or something.... I can see it now..
    Dr, Pateint is needs to have surgery on his left leg... lets just chopp off the ear while we are at it... make his body symetrical! Begging to realize these accidents are not the doctors fault"

    Which ear?

    If you live to be 150 you will never understand what it means to be a nurse, or how hard we work. We WORK, day in and day out! You obviously have no clue whatsoever what a nurses role is, but then you may just get your ideas of nursing from "All My Children".

    "Again I don't understand what 1 posting has to do with my entrie relationship....Tell you what... why don't u tell me what a healthy relatinship is."

    Well, we've all been trying, and you aren't hearing what you want to hear, apparently. My husband said that you just don't get it; you'll end up eating by yourself, and that you aren't marrying a maid. Fetching dinner is preferable to eating alone.

    He has no problem "fetching" dinner, as you so eloquently put it; there are days when it is difficult to do the job we do. Like when you are in Triage (look it up; I'm not going to bother explaining it to you) and are handed a 5 day old child that has stopped breathing; parents are panicking and can't give you a straight answer. If that child dies how do you think the nurses and doctors are going to feel? We depend on our spouses to support us. How about when you lose a 39 year old woman because of cardiomyopathy in her 7th month of pregnancy, with her first child? How do you react to the husband that who has lost his wife and his unborn child? Or how do you feel when you have someone come up to the Triage desk and gasp "I think I'm having a heart attack" and you get that person to the Cath lab in 15 minutes and you save his life?

    The reason I don't ever, ever want to see the likes of you in my ER is because you would be bugging the :hatparty: out of me for stupid stuff like when is my room going to be ready...blah blah blah and interfering with my job. But then again you're obviously much too thick to understand the subtleties of nursing, this profession, and especially what it means to work ER. I guess you're "above" all that.

    As for "seeing what your future holds", I see frozen dinners. Lots and lots of frozen dinners. Or maybe living with your parents for a long, long time.

    I'll say it again, grow up. Please don't marry this girl while you are so freaked out over minutiae. Give it 5, 10, 15 years. Bukko may be right.

    Get a job, another degree, go to college or grad school. Move out. Move to California, find yourself, learn to surf. Develop yourself. Be less dependent upon the opinions of others and quit freaking at those who are trying to give you the help you so desperately need.
  10. by   orrnlori
    I think I'm beginning to see a troll here. This just doesn't seem real to me, does anyone else feel this?
  11. by   nekhismom
    You know, NeedAdvice1234, I can see where you are coming from here. As someone who doesn't have much knowledge of the medical field, I'm sure you are wrought with worries. My husband was the same way when i first started school. I think you may just be worried about having time for one another. It does take a LOT of effort, but marriage in general takes a lot of effort.

    Listen to your fiance. She KNOWS more about the field than you do. Talk to her openly. I'm sure if you let her know that you are feeling like you might be second to her job, that she can help you to see how she is going to make time for you.

    Also, if having children is a concern, figure this. The majority of nurses are female, and MANY of them are mothers. I am a mom myself. We learn how to balance things. It's not always easy, but we do it. And moms in general will sacrifice their own wishes for the good of the kids and hubby. SO I'm SURE if you both want kids, you can work things out. As others have mentioned, she will likely have lots of flexibility with her schedule after a year or so. It may even work out so that you don't need daycare. And that is WONDERFUL.

    Talk to her openly. Best wishes to you both.
  12. by   cinrn68
    Needy -- let's try to get this straight... here is part of your original post:

    Quote from NeedAdvice1234
    Anyway, I have a lot of concerns and she tries to reassure me that my concerns are not warrented nor will they be as bad as I think. However, I am skeptical because she has not been in the profession yet.

    So long story short. I am concerned about what life will be like married to a Nurse. She has her heart set on ER nurseing and possibly Main OR. Considering I am in buisness and not medical profession. Everything I know is based on drama shows like ER and Trama etc. So I started thinking and I came up with the follwoing red flags that really concern me.

    1. I don't want her to put herself in danger. There appreantly is a lot of disease and virus that are fatal out there. I am afraid if she is working in the ER that she might get AIDS if there is a bleeder and she gets blood in her eye Or if she gets stuck by a needle. So I feel she is in a dangerous postion over this.

    2. I see alot of ER jobs out there that require shift work. Since my career bassically allows only for a 8-6 type of schdule. I am afraid that I will never see her if she get stuck on a 7-7 shift or so. The thought of comming home to an empty house and being alone until she has off next frightens me. I want to be able to some home and share each others day. Also we plan on having children so I don't understand how we can have children if she has so many messed up hours.

    3. Holidays are important to the both of us. But since we have plans to move from NJ to out west. We will only have each other. Our familys will be behind. I don't really want to spend Christmas all alone.

    4. The show ER is scary.... Does any of that stuff actually happen? If not then why is nursing considered one of the highest risk jobs you can have?

    Overall I know it sounds like its all about me. But honestly it is. I want to make sure I know what I am getting into and the pitfalls I might face before I continue with the Marriage talk. Are my concerns warrented or am I just being smothering?

    Any real life experinces and advice would be helpful. Someone out there must be married and a nurse. Who can offers some real life insight and not drama show life. I am looking for anyone who can really tell me how it is and perhaps made a marriage work by having night shift work.

    Thank you all in advace.
    I think #1 and #4 has been adequately covered -- it's Hollywood, entertainment, etc. and not completely accurate or realistic.

    As far as #2 and #3 go, the shift work and the holidays are a part of the nursing schedule, and we've all discussed the issues and the ways of getting around it and having the schedule fit into your lifestyle (more or less).

    As far as the other requests you made of understanding the pitfalls you might face and getting real life experiences and advice from other nurses, well, I believe we've all given you that. Perhaps you meant more nursing experiences, rather than life experiences, but you get the whole deal when you ask a nurse. As others have said, we do get psychology courses in nursing, and perhaps some people have tried to analyze you from the little info we have gotten from your postings. Yes, maybe many have jumped to conclusions from this, but you keep taking the bait man! We've only been trying to let you know what kind of man can cope with having a nurse as a wife. We dedicate our lives to helping others, and I agree with Sharon about it being extremely important that my husband is able to take the non-verbal cues from me and try to read me when I walk in the door after a 12-hour shift. It's great to be on the receiving end of the nurturing just once in awhile, and those days that he has my favorite meal and nice cold beer ready for me when I get home, along with a great footrub, are the days that I am once again thanking God that he sent me this angel. Don't forget -- you'll have your fair share of nurturing on all those days that your wife is off and waiting for you to get home so that she can return the favour! Believe me, we're all just trying to give you some constructive criticism here so that you can understand just a little bit more about being married to a nurse. And that was your original point of this, right?
  13. by   NeedAdvice1234
    Quote from cinrn68
    Needy -- let's try to get this straight... here is part of your original post:


    I think #1 and #4 has been adequately covered -- it's Hollywood, entertainment, etc. and not completely accurate or realistic.

    As far as #2 and #3 go, the shift work and the holidays are a part of the nursing schedule, and we've all discussed the issues and the ways of getting around it and having the schedule fit into your lifestyle (more or less).

    As far as the other requests you made of understanding the pitfalls you might face and getting real life experiences and advice from other nurses, well, I believe we've all given you that. Perhaps you meant more nursing experiences, rather than life experiences, but you get the whole deal when you ask a nurse. As others have said, we do get psychology courses in nursing, and perhaps some people have tried to analyze you from the little info we have gotten from your postings. Yes, maybe many have jumped to conclusions from this, but you keep taking the bait man! We've only been trying to let you know what kind of man can cope with having a nurse as a wife. We dedicate our lives to helping others, and I agree with Sharon about it being extremely important that my husband is able to take the non-verbal cues from me and try to read me when I walk in the door after a 12-hour shift. It's great to be on the receiving end of the nurturing just once in awhile, and those days that he has my favorite meal and nice cold beer ready for me when I get home, along with a great footrub, are the days that I am once again thanking God that he sent me this angel. Don't forget -- you'll have your fair share of nurturing on all those days that your wife is off and waiting for you to get home so that she can return the favour! Believe me, we're all just trying to give you some constructive criticism here so that you can understand just a little bit more about being married to a nurse. And that was your original point of this, right?

    Exactly!!!! When I said pitfalls...I ment the stuff maybe i didn't think of like i dunno.. ummmm say every x-mas the husbands are required to play santa clause or something... i don't want to make the pitfalls a big issue since certain people in here don't understand the english language! But YESSSSSSSSSS all i wanted to know is what I asked....Thank you for being the first one to realize there is no hidden meanings...

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