Marriage to a Nurse-- Need HELP - page 3

Hi everyone. I am nto a nurse, however I am in a serious relationship with a Student Nurse. We have been talking marriage for some time now but she needs to graduate school. She will be done with... Read More

  1. by   akvarmit
    What struck me about this poster's questions is the "level" of relationship they're in right now as opposed to what the future holds. When I first got married, I wanted to spend every moment with my spouse........first holidays, first broken sink, first flu together.........Ahem, that got old quick. His availability does not dictate my fulfillment in life. In our relationship it is good to have different schedules. I'm not Donna Reed, and playing her in the "early years" was just that, role-playing at being married. Is this career choice going to limit your access to her at times? Sure. Do you plan on being available to her 24/7? No, you've got friends and hobbies that you probably like to do on your own. My husband doesn't like my shift work schedule either.......but until we hit the Lotto, this is how I pay the bills. It also forces him to be responsible for himself in day-to-day ways.
    I dunno, just got off a 12hr night.......and I'm always a little wierd after those. But this is my view of it 14 years into it.
  2. by   teeituptom
    Quote from SmilingBluEyes
    I suggest marriage classes BEFORE you even THINK of getting married. you are not clear on what it's about, not by a long shot.

    best wishes to you!
    Marriage classes

    what will they think of next

    all a guy needs to know is

    1. give the paycheck to your wife

    2. always tell her she is young and beautifull
    <im fortunate, after 30 yrs my wife is still young and beautifull>

    3. always say
    Yes dear you are right I am wrong
    Can I now go play golf.

    4. always remember
    as a guy whatever you say is automatically wrong, so grunting helps a lot here, same as nodding

    5 dont cheat on your wife, Play Golf
    safer, no diseases, cheaper, more enjoyable

    6. always take your wife to dinner and a movie or something once a week
    Bowling night doesnt count

    7. never buy appliances as a gift
    always make it jewelry or something with resale value

    8 remember everything that your parents did 30 yrs ago
    doesnt apply now...

    Im sure there are others, but most important

    " My Mantra"

    yes dear you are absolutely right
    yes dear you are absolutely right
    Yes dear you are absolutely right
    yes dear you are absolutely right
    yes dear you are absolutely right
  3. by   jkaee
    Quote from teeituptom
    Marriage classes

    what will they think of next

    all a guy needs to know is

    1. give the paycheck to your wife

    2. always tell her she is young and beautifull
    <im fortunate, after 30 yrs my wife is still young and beautifull>

    3. always say
    Yes dear you are right I am wrong
    Can I now go play golf.

    4. always remember
    as a guy whatever you say is automatically wrong, so grunting helps a lot here, same as nodding

    5 dont cheat on your wife, Play Golf
    safer, no diseases, cheaper, more enjoyable

    6. always take your wife to dinner and a movie or something once a week
    Bowling night doesnt count

    7. never buy appliances as a gift
    always make it jewelry or something with resale value

    8 remember everything that your parents did 30 yrs ago
    doesnt apply now...

    Im sure there are others, but most important

    " My Mantra"

    yes dear you are absolutely right
    yes dear you are absolutely right
    Yes dear you are absolutely right
    yes dear you are absolutely right
    yes dear you are absolutely right







    Hey, Tom, I'm going to give you my husband's number at work.....teach him all this for me!

    He's improved after almost 7 years of wedded bliss, but he has a ways to go!

    That was too funny!


    Jennifer :chuckle
  4. by   teeituptom
    I will send you my wifes guide on how to train and house break your husband.
  5. by   danaRN2b
    I understand the idea of wanting to spend all of your time with your signicant other, but I agree with another poster who said that after a while it gets old! I love my hubby beyond reason, and I do love spending some time with him, but give me a break!! He works in a field related to nuclear power plant outages & usually only works in the spring & fall. When he's gone, he's gone for sometimes up to three or four months at a time & I miss him. Then he's home for a month or two, or three or four...let me tell you, he's leaving on Sunday & we're both thrilled!!! My point, I guess, is that if you're in a position where you aren't able to spend a ton of time together, you'll appreciate the time you do spend together even more.
    Another thing I just thought of...letting your fiancee have a career that is fulfilling to her is so important to her overall happiness! I am a wife and mother of four young children, I don't work outside of the home & haven't for the past 4 years. I know what I'm doing is important & vital for my kids, but I've also struggled with depression and resentment because I feel like I'm giving all of me to them (kids/hubby) and not worrying about having anything that's important to me. Since I've gone back to school for my nursing prereqs I feel so much saner! I have a goal for myself & now I can be an even better wife/parent because I'm happy! Sorry this was so long and rambling...
  6. by   bukko
    I think the original poster is worried about all the wrong things.
    Your nursie wife-to-be is likely to come home talking about all the gory, smelly episodes she observed at work. Soon you'll be happy when she's not eating dinner with you, because you won't have to leave the table to wretch!
    And violence in the ER is not the biggest danger. It's those cute young doctors! Anyone who watches too many TV shows KNOWS about all the affairs and broken marriages caused by Noah Wiley and his ilk. Nurses on this list will deny it, but they're just covering up...
  7. by   Gompers
    As others have said, nursing school is in no way indicative of how much free time she's going to have when she's a nurse. School is TOUGH for nurses, requiring tons of out-of-class study time plus long days of clinical. Then if she's got a job at the same time...of course she's exhausted! But once she graduates, most likely she'll be able to get a full time job working just 36 hours a week, and when she's off work, it's not like she'll have to study or anything! She'll have lots of free time, especially compared to what she has now. And I also agree with the poster that said you should get a dog if you don't like being at home alone! Don't worry, you will see your future wife PLENTY.

    Approximate figures for someone working a 9-5 type job:
    Work: 260 days/year
    Home: 104 days/year

    Figures for someone who works 3 12-hour shifts per week:
    Work: 156 days/year
    Home: 208 days/year

    So what are you so worried about? Even if she works nights, that's still 4 nights per week she's home to see you. I just don't understand why you're so upset about this scheduling thing! It's so flexible in nursing, it's almost ridiculous. Yeah, there are weekends and holidays, too, but you know it's not the end of the world. Weekends are good because you don't have to worry about childcare during the week, and it's nice to have weekdays off because it's so much easier to get appointments and such during the week when "everyone else" is working. And during the holidays, if she has to work a shift on a special day, remember that she's not going to be working for all 24 hours! So you just have Thanksgiving lunch instead of dinner, so she can go to work in the evening. Or you open your presents on Christmas Eve and maybe just have a late dinner on Christmas if she has to work that day. When you get married, you create your own traditions.

    As far as the perks of nursing, there are just so many. As compared to office jobs, as I've said, it's much more flexible as far as scheduling hours, and you get so many more days off! You can have 8 days off in a row without using any vacation time, if you work the Su-Mo-Tu of one week and Th-Fr-Sa of the next! Right now, you can get a job just about anywhere, and it's going to be that way for a long time. You can change jobs and get re-trained in a completely different area without having to go back to school. You can enjoy a job where you literally learn something new every day. Medical technology is getting so advanced, and it's very exciting to be a part of all that.

    But the number one perk of nursing is the way it makes you feel. It's one of the few jobs where you can go home after your shift KNOWING that you've touched someone's life in a way that they will never forget. Knowing that you've helped someone in that way...it's such a satisfying feeling. Sometimes I walk out of work almost in tears because I am so happy I'm a nurse and had the chance to be a part of something so wonderful.

    Please reconsider your concerns about her nursing career.
  8. by   Nurse Ratched
    Quote from bukko
    It's those cute young doctors! Anyone who watches too many TV shows KNOWS about all the affairs and broken marriages caused by Noah Wiley and his ilk. Nurses on this list will deny it, but they're just covering up...
    ROFL! (Actually, I'm more of an Eriq LaSalle kinda gal )
  9. by   Gompers
    Quote from Nurse Ratched
    ROFL! (Actually, I'm more of an Eriq LaSalle kinda gal )
    George Clooney looked amazing in a lab coat...
  10. by   NeedAdvice1234
    Thank you to everyone and your posts. You have made a great impact on my thought process. I know it might be hard to understand where I am comming from because everyone on this site is in field. However, I can only go on what I see and hear. I wasn't aware of the Trama series taking over a month to create 1 episode. I thought something like that was taped in one night. So thats a big shinning light on that thought. More so I here all these other things from people who are not in the Field. Such key phrases like "double shift work" 12 hour shifts and High Risk Profession. All these things raise concern.

    Everyone thinks I am posting to this site because I don't want my Girl to suceed in here career or her dreams. Or people think I am being selfish because I am trying to change her thoughts. Or I am not supportive of her decisions of Nurseing. I think I have been posting my concerns on this site completly wrong. I am here only to learn and NOT base my decsions on what I have heard from no medical professionals. In reality I have a great and deep respect to the Nurseing profession. It takes a very special person to be able to handle this kind of postion. I know I could handle the stress of a Nurse. I couldn't handle holding someones hand during their final breaths. I couldn't bare to be covered in Blood and other nastys when delivering a new life. I tip my hat to each and everyone of you. The world needs you more than you know!!

    OK off topic a little there. Like I was saying. I want to be educated so I can support my girl 100% without revisions. I don't want to tell her I support her yet fear that she might get hurt or injured or never be able to spend time with her family. I know that there had to be more positives then negatives with nursing or people wouldn't do it. As you can all see from the previous postings I have had a huge misconception of what the nursing profession is all about. I leanred that 35 nurses were infected with HIV out of 2 million . Thats less than 1%. I learned that being a nurse allows you freedom to your life and not slave driven by a 9-5 job. I am still learning with every post.

    However, I don't feel I have posted anything to be slammed by so many people. Everyone thinks I want her to drop out of nursing or something. I am not being selfish I am being open minded. If I didn't care about her and me and ultmitly US. I wouldn't have posted concerns to working professionals as yourselfs. People told be to Get a Dog! and about smothering and stop controlling her. OPEN your eyes... and realize I no nothing about the medical profession. I couldn't even tell you the last time I was at the doctors. Knock on wood I come from a healthy stock of people. No allgeies No sinus problems no nothing.... so I never grew up around the kind friendly nurse in Dr. smith office because I never needed Dr. Smith.... Why I am being slammed and thought of as a bad boyfriend because I am trying to understand my girlfriends point of view from professionals is beyond me. Nurses are supposed to be supportive and helpful yet a few of these posts seemed to attack me or put me down for having concerns. To the many who did understand me thank you for your advice. People posted links that gave me factual information I thank you tooo..... I love my girl I known her for over 15years. We met in middle school...and started dating 3 years ago... 6 months into that relationship she made the decsion and TOLD me she was going to nursing school. Being too early in the relationship there was no discussion about what this entails. Now that we are getting serious about spending the rest of our lives together. I thought it was time I did some searching before I lead her on. If thats wrong so be it.

    By the way.... it appears if I didn't love her or care for her or wanted to change her I would have left her a long time ago. The fact is... I am the only one left out of her nursing class that hasn't given her hard time when she needed to study and I never left her. Everyone else in the class according to her had broken up with there long term relationships and the few that were married filed for divorce because the men gave them hell.... She thanks me everyday for being supportive. Why everyone thinks I am out to destroy her is beyond me.

    Thats all for now
  11. by   Biscuit12
    After reading your original message, and several of the replies, it occurs to me that there are two kinds of issues here: 1. Safety/gross out factors, and 2. Time/will I be a priority issues.
    I want to talk about the second one... as lots of others here have answered the first one really well. I think you need to really examine what you expect marriage to be like. Does it mean always having someone around when you come home, and never having to be alone? Does it mean being together all the time? Do you expect to define the culture of your marriage, or do you expect her to do it? Will you compromise? (news flash: you WILL compromise .)
    Once you're married, I think you'll find that lots of things are different from what you expected. And in the future, if you have kids, you'll find that changes everything yet again. The fact is, marriage is a pact to live life together... and do whatever it takes to make it work.
    I mean things like who's job is the "deciding job" in the family (or are they equal. Sometimes, this is an economic decision (like one spouse works because they make more money, while the other works less or stays home with kids). Sometimes it's a preference that one partner has... but you BOTH have to agree to it. Would you quit your job to move somewhere for your spouse's job? Would you expect her to?
    I don't mean to be risque... but I think a great example of this is the expectation that many men have about how much/how often they will have sex after they get married (seems never to be as much as they thought it would be ) But... they have no reason to know this in advance, really... they just never really thought about it.
    The fact of the matter is this: you and your wife will build the culture of your marriage TOGETHER. It may not look like your parent's marriage, or the marriage you envision now... what will define it and make it real is that you will have done it together. If you're not ready to accept that... and still hope that your marriage will fit some predetermined structure that you haven't shared with her... then you're not ready.
    I worked 3-11 shifts when I got engaged. Shortly after I was married, a 7-3 position opened up, and I took it. I had some exposure scares, but nothing really bad. That worked great while we were dinks (dual income, no kids). I started trying to have children, and ran into problems. I needed a change, and wanted to get out of the bedside "rat race". I moved to Information Technology, where I am today. I consider myself to be a "computer nurse" (also know as "informatics"). I work to apply computer solutions to the benefit of clinical care, and I work closely with the clinicians at the bedside. Happily, I am able to do this part time, day hours. Some day, I may have to return to bedside, odd shifts. If that happens, my husband and I will compensate... but the issue won't be as much about us spending time with each other as about spending time with the kids... you see.., the further along you move in life, the less the emphasis is on your personal needs, and the more on other priorities. I'm sure it will swing back around when our kids aren't as little. All things change.

    Good Luck
  12. by   SmilingBluEyes
    rofl tom. you got it right.......

    you need to go into business for yourself teaching em.
  13. by   Tweety
    I'm sorry you felt you were slammed. Try to get beyond that. What we are trying to say is that it isn't going to be easy. Being married to a nursing student/nurse can be tough. The spouse has to be strong and indepedent.

    I think you are going to do just fine, because you want to be supportive. I wouldn't worry too much or try to project what the future is going to be like. Just love her, take it one day at a time, and be flexible and realize that she may not always be there when you want her or need her to be.

    Like Biscuit says, relax and build the culture of your marriage together, one day at a time.

    I think sometimes we as nurses forget that spouses have needs too that have to be balanced with our needs to be what we want to be. That they don't have a clue as to why we're two hours late one day when we are supposed to clock out at 3pm. Sometimes we might be asking too much.

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