Loss & grief.....

[ozoneranger]

In nursing we see things most people never even imagine. Lives extinguished, hopes blotted out before they even begin....

The human spirit at it's very best & worst can be found, on any given day, and we are there, for better or worse, to offer hope where little can be found.

Since I gave birth to my first child, I've found that tears come so easily now, a sunset can leave me sobbing with pure joy. I can't tell you the number of times I've stood on my deck & cried, not just because the sunset was a moving, evolving creation of God, but because my mom would have found these views a vision of pure peace.

My daughter came to visit this week, she still struggles with the loss of her Nanny (my mom).

She reminded me of the night I had to go get flowers for her grave.....for the very first time...........

This incident drove home the lesson of the greatest denominator....death. It truly does bind all. It remains the one fate we all will, at some point and time, encounter.

August 10th, 2006.....my last day on the job. The night before, mom was in her chair, with her 91 year old head in a book, as usual....that was at 2:00am.....when she was into a book, she slept late, so I didn't wake her.

That was the last time our eyes met, she passed in her sleep.

Anyway....here's what happened late one night while mom's death was still far too fresh.....

When my mom died, we had to wait for her marker to come in, and sure enough, it arrived the day before Thanksgiving, facing my first holiday season without her was much harder than I can express in words.

It was unbearable.

I slipped off to the local mega-mart late that night, in search of flowers, determined not to let her grave go bare Thanksgiving Day.

I held it together as I picked them out & made my way to the front of the store. There wasn't anyone in line, so I was in the clear.....all I had to do was pay for the flowers & the few other items I'd picked up & get outta there, I could let the flood gates open in the car.....I was so close.

Tears were beginning to well up in my eyes when the checker stuffed the flowers into a bag & pitched them carelessly into the cart. Then, something in the computer system locked up & my entire order had to be un-bagged & re-scanned.

She was just so rough on those flowers......and they were for my mom.

I grabbed them off the belt & stood there, clutching the flowers to my chest, tears dripping off my chin, in Wal Mart, at midnight. Feeling like a complete idiot.

Then a woman entered the checkout behind me, she touched my shoulder & looked at me with a knowing expression on her face. She stood there & held me while I poured my heart out...right there in lane 6.....by the time I was re-checked out, the poor clerk had her supervisor & a security guard standing by, then others gathered out of curiosity or concern, I don't know which....

There were at least 10 of us, grown men & women, facing holidays that had holes in them, holiday tables with empty chairs.....where mom, or dad always sat.....

We shared bittersweet stories of loss & grief, wiping our tears away with our shirtsleeves like orphaned children.

And the woman behind me? She left her cart with the checker & walked me to my car. When we got there she told me that the instant she saw me with those flowers she recognized my pain.

Because, you see....

Just 2 weeks prior to our meeting, she too, stood in the local megamart, at midnight, trying to make it out the door before the dam burst.....

....with flowers for her own mothers grave.

[tigger2sassy1]

I can feel your pain. Just lost someone I loved not long ago. I know what a journey it is to go on and it can be a very lonely one. Am learning every day how to go on with life. It is not an easy thing to do, but, it must be done. My young 29 year old daughter gave me the best advice I could ever receive. She said Mom, you have the best part of him. His body is now but an empty shell. You have him in your heart. Remember that always. She told me to stop feeling sorry for myself and it was time to start living again. So I am doing just that. Am looking forward to starting new beginnings. When one door closes, another opens. With time, maybe I can open my heart again. Until then, I will remember in my heart and look forward to what I have.

[NeoPediRN]

Your post broke my heart. I'm not one to tear up easily but your pain is still raw and palpable and my heart goes out to you.

[NeoNurseTX, RN]

I don't cry when I read text. I rarely laugh out loud to myself if no one else is around..

But after reading this..here I am at work with tears welling up in my eyes.

I don't know how you feel but it's my biggest fear to lose my mom and my heart goes out to you for your loss. (And I'm really not fond of whoever checked you out!!)

[oramar]

Awww, thanks so much for your story. It will do many hearts good to read it.

[ktwlpn, LPN]

thinking about all of the empty chairs at my table.....I will never ever just blithly go about my holiday errands in a hurry-I will pay attention to what is going on around me and maybe someday I'll be that hand on someone's shoulder...

[shookie2305]

your story was truly moving. i have tears swelling in my eyes right now. i always considered myself emotional, crying during movies, crying when i'm happy, sad and even when i am angry.when i realized nursing was the career for me i was never quite sure how i was going to handle all the many encounters that are ahead. being only a student i am still not 100 percent, but after my clinicals and the pain and hurt that i have encountered with patients, i relaize that i have to move my feelings to the backseat and help the patients to deal with all of their emotions. I have to stay strong and give them strength through my care and the conversations i have with them. It is nice to know that here are people who see pain, and instead of staring wiht confusion, the rush to help. The smallest acknowledment seemed so helpful to you and it is heart warming that she, a complete stranger, was there to comfort you and help you just as a nurse would for their patient. So sorry for your loss.

[KaroSnowQueen, RN]

I really appreciated your story. I have been there, stood in your shoes. I understand your pain. Thank you for sharing your story. ((((((hugs)))))))

[Purple_Scrubs, BSN, RN]

What a beautiful, moving story. Thank you for sharing it. You are a talenter writer as well, and I hope you continue writing.

[Smitty08]

Great story, thanks for sharing it. I have come to realize, ten years after a devastating loss that I had, that there is a blessing in it too. Before I had the loss, I was uncomfortable in talking to people experiencing "the journey" of a loss - I either didn't know what to say or was afraid to try. Now I am much more comfortable in trying to give comfort. I think now I can really help someone dealing with "the journey" both in therapy and in life. Its wonderful to realize there is a silver lining to such a painful journey.

[Keepstanding, ASN, RN]

god bless you sweet daughter :redbeathe

praiser :heartbeat

[j_audrey]

I've been there. Thank you for writing this... it's beautiful.