Is my marriage doomed? (very long post )

ktwlpn, LPN · Jan 6, 2004

Originally posted by lmolvr
Hi all,

This will be long, but I will try to explain it all as best and quickly as I can....thanks for reading!

My hubby and I (he's 28, I'm 30) met this past June, married this past October, and I'm already beyond frustrated. We both have been married before, and thought when we met we finally found "THE ONE"

Overall he's a great guy....very sweet, caring, would do anything for me (he takes care of all of the house and works as a courier so I can go to school full time...but I do work almost full time too). He tells me I'm the best thing that has happened to him ...thinks I'm prettier than Halle Berry:confused: , and honestly thinks that if he were to look at another woman in a sexual way (ie looking at her and wondering what she'd be like in bed) that would be just as bad as cheating.

What's the prob? He's so insecure!!! He has no reason to be...he's gorgeous (honestly....many people tell him he should be a model....and on his job (he's a courier for a pharmacy...he delivers meds to nursing homes,etc) he get's complements on his looks. Ok....so during our short engagement he did get a little insecure, and his dad strongly urged us to wait because he felt my hubby had "issues" to fix before getting married again (he divorced this past March, but said he felt ready to move on....I can believe that...when my ex-hubby and I divorced I moved on immediately...my feelings had been long gone). Current hubby will constantly ask me if I think of other guys (especially celebrities)in a sexual way, he asks if I think he (hubby himself) is the best I've had (sexually), If I thinks he's so hot..why don't we have a lot of sex:chuckle (hmmm two jobs right now.....I'M TIRED!!!) he asks if I think celebrities are better than us common folk, when I watch movies or read magazines to I see a guy and start to fantasize about him, etc. I got so tired of these questions being asked over and over that I told him to email them to me and I'd answer them. When he felt insecure he could read my answers (because the answer won't change)...I got a 26 question email...some of the 26 questions had more questions to them:( He has even checked on our computer to see what websites I have visited, so he can see if I have been looking at websites that may have attractive men...example...if I look at celebrity gossip (which he hates) he checks to see if any of the gossip were about attractive male celebrities

He has agreed to get counseling, and maybe I should too...as i am very frustrated. I go from being happy when things are good, to being angry, and wanting out of our marriage when he starts in on his insecurities......which by the way can sometimes last all day. He'll ask a question...i'll answer it ....albeit sometimes sarcastically because i'm frustrated, and he gets mad and pouts because it didn't come out the way he wanted to hear it....and a few hours later he's still moping about my answer.

I love him dearly....he's a wonderful man with the insecurity curse...but I'm going bananas.

I don't know what I need....hugs.....a sympathetic ear, a kick in the orifice.....a ...a beer.....

I think I just needed to vent...and get some advice.....the new semester is coming up, and I don't feel like trying to keep up with school, work, and and insecure hubby.

Any advice anyone?

Thanks so much for listening:kiss

Lisa

My sis in law is going through a divorce after 3 miserable years with an insecure husband...He is a law student and a part time musician and when you meet him you get the impression that he has it all together...He drove her nuts-constantly calling her at work and accusing her of affairs with co-workers and clients..Things escalated and now they are divorcing-thank the lord for Norplant....Good LUck-Can you get him into some intensive counseling? That may help-but sometimes people like this are permanently damaged....

KeriH1 · Jan 6, 2004

Just a thought but has your hubby been cheated on in the past thus causing his insecurities now? Marriage councelling is the best thing to do and right away. This behaviour won't change overnight and therapy would give him the best chance to work through his problems. As well it would be a good thing for both of you to better understand each other. Keep your chin up and don't be too quick to throw in the towel. Work on it and best of luck to you both!

lmolvr · Jan 6, 2004

Hi,

Thanks for replying..........

We have just started investigating counseling. He's ready and willing to get help....with me being a student our money is tight...so until I became eligible for insurance at my job we tried to deal with it together...now that insurance will help...we're gonna go to the pros

Hopefully they can get him on meds...I think he's depressed as well...he sleeps quite a bit...but has trouble getting to sleep, sometimes skips showers...though he is meticulous about his hair:rolleyes: ...no ambition....doesn't want to go to college (never has been) because he doesn't feel smart.....(the fact that his dad and stepmom pulled him out of high school to home school him...then stopped home schooling him because they "knew" the world was coming to an end and felt he wouldn't need school.....may have something to do with why he feels he is dumb:p ....he did go back and get his GED...and his parents realized the error of their ways, and regret what they did....I feel if he went to college, that may give him more security. He's begrudgingly agreed to one class.....oh well...it's a start!!

His first wife was very controlling (if he wanted to go out with the guys she wouldn't permit it, and would take things away...ie..hide the mouse for the computer, etc.) She didn't like his birth mom (a whole other story there) so she forbade him from seeing her, and his ex was also obsessive compulsive) All of his friends and family are happy they are divorced, and are happy he's with me...they can tell he's in love with me, and they say I am like the day to her night. He got tired of her stuff, and left her.....she then got pregnant one week after he moved out (from a different guy)...but my hubby insists she didn't cheat on him.........baby is not my husband's......baby is already born, and he has filed non-paternity papers sent to us by her.

Geez.....writing all this makes me realize what a soap opera I'm on:chuckle

Lisa

karbyr · Jan 6, 2004

Am so sorry you are going through this, it can be so difficult.

Think the email idea was GREAT!!!!

also think you are right about some of the issues, ie. depression, lack of confidence in his intelligence, etc. Also makes me wonder what other wonderful things his parents taught him ???? and how they went about it???

Counseling is the best step, glad you are already headed there and glad he is willing

Is he able to verbalize that he is insecure?? That is always a good starting point.

Also, are you able to tell him that looks are a very small part of why you fell in love with him..........and list other charms? that may help.............

I am a big believer in cognitive emotional type counseling........

ie...........him taking responsibility to recognize when his thinking is 'insecure' and redirecting his thoughts in a more functional pattern.

also, remind him that he ain't getting any younger (like all of us:chuckle) and will have to find something besides his looks to base his self concept on

just some thoughts, but counseling is best

good luck!

barefootlady, ADN, RN · Jan 6, 2004

Run, do not walk to the nearest counselling center, meds sound like they are needed for both of you. You may need anti anxiety, he needs depression, obcessive/compulsion meds.

Sorry to sound so brutal but this is going to be a long, long road. I would ask his parents, family, and other close friends for an insight to events that may have triggered his feelings. His parents should help pay for some of this, they sure caused a big problem when they pulled him out of school.

I hope you get the help you need and can save the marriage.

wcu_nurse · Jan 6, 2004

I think that it's easy to get tired of listening to people who are always down on themselves, no matter how much you love them. When it's your husband, it's even harder because other people you can kindof say "well, they'll get over it" but when it's your husband, it hurts you as well. Also, I think that naturally, we always surround ourselves (or try to) with happy people. I mean, who wants to be around sad people all the time? However, this is your husband we're talking about. So, maybe you could look at the situation differently. He shares these feelings with you because he loves to hear you say that you are physically attracted to him and he loves to hear you say that he looks good and that you appreciate him. I'm sure you tell him that all the time...but I know I never get tired of compliments. He obviously loves you a lot and builds your self esteem. Perhaps he does need help...but he probably just needs encouragement and intimacy with his soul mate. Hope this makes you feel better. I'm in nursing school, married, and working too. And it does get hard to listen to others whine all the time and then come home and have to hear your husband. But, don't forget the spark that makes you care about him...he obviously cares for you dearly!

_kim_

lmolvr · Jan 6, 2004

Thanks guys.....

Already you have brought a smile to my face and tears to my eyes.

Maybe I'm not so far off in my thoughts......he and I are off to a great start as many of the suggestions you have offered we have thought of......he realizes has a problem, and wants it to stop....he has talked to his father about getting counseling...and his father is going to give us money to help with counseling..and has tried to help my hubby by talking with him.

I can definitely benefit from counseling, and maybe meds...I was severly depressed in high school, and was on lithium, wellbutrin, and others.....but I have been out of counseling and off meds for many years....maybe it's time to go back for a bit.

Getting this off my chest has helped....I haven't talked very much to anyone about this. I met my hubby's real mom about two weeks ago for the first time.....I'm trying to get him to see her more...she lives about two and a half hours away. He called her to seek her advice about his insecurity......(a thing for him to call her). In turn, she called me, and talked with me. Told me she thought he needed counseling, and how he told her how much he loves me and doesn't want to lose mehuge....she also told me....that if he doesn't get his stuff together I should think of getting out. She loves him dearly, but she knows what it's like to be in situations like that, and she thinks I should take care of me...if things don't get better....

At any rate.....thanks again for the encouragement and suggestions....it's nice to know that people care, and want to help.....it's made me feel much better

Lisa

hmccartn · Jan 6, 2004

a good friend of mine grew up in an alcoholic household which basically destroyed any self esteem she may have had....i have known her for years and have grown very tired of reassuring her...you will too...i eventually got more blunt about it...it is there stuff to deal with...you can be supportive but you telling them "you are okay/hot etc etc." is not going to solve the problem...he has to do his own personal growth work...in hindsight and not in judgement, it looks like you guys rushed things a bit...his behaviour would have come out sooner or later....best of luck....

tallulahasmama · Jan 6, 2004

My hubby and I (he's 28, I'm 30) met this past June, married this past October, and I'm already beyond frustrated. We both have been married before, and thought when we met we finally found "THE ONE"

Oh geez Lisa - you sound so smart, but lets just back up here a bit and read the 1st sentence.....are you insane??? Here is your problem: you married the guy after 5 months of knowing him. Thank goodness you don't have children. Run like the wind and breathe girlfriend.........

Town & Country · Jan 6, 2004

HE tells YOU you're "prettier than Halle Berry" and he wants to know if YOU have fantasies about celebrities?

Something hinky here, IMO.

I've always heard that when someone is constantly accusing someone ELSE of cheating or etc. it's because THEY are and they want to salve their own conscience.

Could it be....?

kc ccurn · Jan 6, 2004

I agree with the others, couseling for both of you, as a couple and individually. Since money is a consideration, look into local churches or colleges health centers. sometimes they do, or can refer to couselors who provide services for reduced fees.

I also agree with the above that his insecurities aren't going to be solved by telling him over and over that he is gorgeous. The real problem is not what you think about him, it's what he thinks about himself.

It's going to be a long road with a lot of hard work. You have to do some serious reflecting and ask yourself if your marriage is worth the work. Sounds like he is willing to go to couseling which is awesome, most men are hesitant to go to couseling or so far into denial they don't acknowledge they have a problem. Since he is willing to try, you should too.....110%. Good luck and keep us posted on how things are going!

As a side note, you don't mention anything about there being any children involved. If there aren't, I would HIGHLY encourage you both to not have children until all the issues you BOTH have are out in the open and are being dealt with so that if/when you do have kids they can be brought up in a stable loving environment and intact family.