I'm a horrible employee

  1. I may as well admit it up front because I'm sure others will definitely agree. I just don't know what to do about it.

    A little background:
    • Dec 2005 my ex husband died, leaving me grieving children
    • May 2006 my current husband left us...I was still in nsg school. I somehow managed to finish, with no job (school was full time), and the only income being SS death benefits.
    • I had to stop with my LPN, as I couldn't afford to raise three kids somehow work full time and school full time
    • I have no family to rely on. My mom is immunocompromised; has full blown systemic lupus with multiple secondary illnesses
    • I have horrid anxiety; am currently taking SSRI--at least I had the sense to get some help
    • I met a man about a year ago. We are engaged. He has no kids. He doesn't help with them. I think he's unsure how to deal with teenagers. I don't blame him, really.
    • I have missed SEVERAL days of work, beginning with an upper resp infection, being placed on an abx, then having my ankles swell, turn red then purple. Multiple workups by rheumatology. Neg ANA, Neg rheum factor. Just elevated SED and C reactive protein. MRI found bilateral...yes both....achilles ruptures. I'm now in aircasts...both feet. I look like I could be casted for "Night of the Living Dead."
    • I started my current job only 3 months ago. Not eligible for FMLA. Not eligible for short term disability. It is an at-will employer. I posted a while back about my boss calling my former employer last month questioning how I was for her.
    • I work an hour from home. My kids are latch-key kids. The guilt kills me, but they also know that mom needs to work.
    I've probably missed more work than I have actually worked. I'm still in orientation there. Why they keep me I will never know.

    I rush home every day to care for my kids, run them to all of their practices, attend their sporting events.....and rush to the school (yesterday) to pick up my littlest with a 101 fever post-motrin. Older daughter had 103 off and on....doc said "just viral". Can only tx sx's at this point.

    Last night I came down with it. Before I left work yesterday they said, "Don't bring it here!" So I call my boss (who doesn't work in that office; I am in a float pool), and she has not called me back.

    I know I'm walking a thin line. But it would be that way if I were in nursing or any other field. I have just managed to have some really really really bad luck. And I am not appealing to the sympathy vote...it just is what it is.

    Truth is, I wouldn't be surprised to be fired soon. They have a business to run. Who needs a single mom with multiple health issues, multiple crises every 10 seconds.

    Bottom line I'm feeling worthless. Despite giving all I have to my kids, and working hard (when I'm there). I'm burning the candle at both ends.

    If I had my RN I could maybe look into working from home doing phone triage until the kids were older.

    I did call the EAP for counseling this morning at least.

    But my early Christmas present will most likely be a big fat termination.

    I am not suicidal, but I can say this: I have never felt so hopeless in my life. I feel like I half kill myself running with three kids and work. No mother of the year award to me. No employee of the year, either. But yet I am always running.....

    All I can do is cry....and wait for the termination letter.

    I'm sorry this is so depressing. Thank you to anyone who reads this.

    Thank you,
    Emma
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  2. 20 Comments

  3. by   Hellllllo Nurse
    I am so sorry, Emma.

    (((((hugs)))))

    I don't know what else I can do expect for say prayers for you.

    Again, I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

    Can you get on disability?
  4. by   EmmaG
    Aw Emma *hug*

    You're not a horrible anything. You have more on your plate than anyone could be expected to handle. Please go see EAP today. Forget about an appointment. Tell them it's urgent you get in today.

    If they can't see you, ask them to get you in to someone you can see today or contact your local mental health agency. NO, you're not "crazy". You're overwhelmed and quite understandably so. I'm overwhelmed just reading about what you've gone through, you're living it.

    Now close down your computer, pick up the phone and tell EAP you'll be there within the hour.
    Last edit by EmmaG on Nov 15, '07
  5. by   HM2VikingRN
    You aren't horrible. Calling EAP was a good step. I don't know what else to say but that you do have people pulling for you. Keep on doing your best. Is it possible for you to have an honest talk with your boss and ask for some help with schedule changes etc. while you get the situation under control? Wishing you the best!
  6. by   catlynLPN
    Gee, Emma, I just don't know what to say. I wish I lived close to you so I could help you out. Do some errands for you and stuff.
    It's just a shame that people, neighbors, friends, co-workers...can't see, sometimes, that a person could use some help.

    A friend of mine is down on her luck. This poor girl just never has any money, and has had some hard luck fall on her. Her Mom died, and then people broke into her mom's house and stole alot of stuff.
    Then my friend had an accident and got a ticket for no insurance. She couldn't afford to pay the ticket, which was over 300.00.
    So the police filed a bench warrant for her arrest. If she didn't get it paid soon, they were going to arrest her. So I loaned her $295.00 and she already owed me $100.00 for getting her water and lights turned back on.
    I may not ever get the money back, but I couldn't just see her be arrested and go to jail. Where would that leave her job-wise? And her husband isn't able to work.

    Just seems like people just fall further and further behind, esp. when they have families they're trying to raise.
  7. by   HM2VikingRN
    Emmanuel is giving the best idea of all. Go to EAP today.
  8. by   bagladyrn
    Emma - Wish I could just give you a big hug! I've been through many of the things you are going to but NOT all at the same time! Sounds like the universe has really dumped on you. One thing I can reassure you is that your kids will do better than you think. Having a working mom really doesn't wreck their psyche. I raised my son (and took on 4 foster sons) as a single mom. All the boys have grown up and gone on to become productive adults and my son ended up marrying a very intelligent ambitious working single mom, so obviously my example didn't scar him too badly.
    I found that working 12 hr. nights actually worked better for me because I could sleep while they were at school and be up when they got home as well as being available for after school activities. The one caveat with this is that with teenagers you need to have someone who will check on them while you are working, at different times so that they never know when the adult will stop by. Keeps them unsure enough to avoid bad behavior. I had a friend who drove a cab at night who would drop by at all sorts of hours - not often, but unpredictable enough to keep them on their toes. A coworker who worked days and lived near me also had a key and would also stop over unpredictably. 12 hour shifts are best because you only have to deal with this 3 days a weeks.
    Right now though it sounds as though you need to concentrate on healing physically and emotionally. Take care of yourself a little and know that if the job ends, there are others out there which will work for you. By the way - good for you for getting help for the anxiety - that's a start to taking care of yourself!
  9. by   MNmom3boys
    :yeahthat: what Emmanuel Goldstein said!

    You are neither horrible, nor worthless! You are juggling as fast as you can, and somehow you keep getting thrown more balls to keep in the loop.
    We can't help (as much as we'd like to!), other than sending our best thoughts and prayer your way. How old are your kids - can they help with household stuff to keep you off your feet? (When they are no longer ill!)
    Go call/ see EAP today. I hope thay can give you some assistance, and if not keep looking for some elsewhere. We are cheering for you! (((hugs)))
  10. by   Nrs_angie
    Hello Emma,

    First let me say that I am sorry to hear about your string of "bad luck". It sure sounds like a difficult time. You may not want to hear this, but I think it's time for you to call in the Reserves! Enlist some help! If you don't take care of yourself, you won't be any good to anyone else who needs you.

    Other than your mom... how about some other family members... sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, cousins... it may be hard to ask for help but you've got to.

    As for running your kids all around town to practices and other things they do... maybe they can find some other kid to carpool with. The other kid's parents may be willing to pick up your kids too. Also, didnt you say that they are Teenagers? When I was a teenager, age 14 and beyond.. I would walk or take my bike everywere I went!

    It's time to look for SOLUTIONS to the problems.

    Hope this was some help, good luck,
    Angie
  11. by   Satori77
    You are not a horrible anything! You are just stressed and overwhelmed. You have a lot on your plate, and are doing the best you can. I wish I had some advice, but you have already gotten some good advice from previous posters.
  12. by   Soneshine
    I most certainly agree with the majority here! You are not horrible or wortless anything!! Infact, probably just the opposite I bet. Please know that there are people out there that do care about your situation. Please be honest with your boss, but your priority should be your personal health and wellbeing at this time. Breathe deeply and remember that no matter how hard times are now, they will pass....

    You'll be in my thoughts!
  13. by   subee
    Emma: I am exhausted from reading your post. What I'm going to say isn't meant to be cruel - its meant to help you move on. You've made some bad choices in life - three kids with no education (anything can happen to husbands!), married a man who left you and NOW you're "engaged" to a man who has no interest in YOUR CHILDREN! Take a deep breath and think about that. These aforementioned items are results of poor decisions. Your health issues aren't. You're the poster case for a mom who probably needs to get on welfare to get better physically, get some psychological help so you won't repeat the same mistakes and give yourself a chance to grow up with your children. Do you really think its realistic that with your health issues and lack of education that you will get a job on the telephone from your HOUSE? I want to be twenty years younger and twenty pounds lighter but ain't gonna happen. I hope the meds are helping you feel better and I see you still have a sense of humor with all the bad stuff that's going on. You're only 36. You're life could be vastly better while you're a young woman. I'll bet you'd make a great social worker.
  14. by   barefootlady
    I agree that applying for food stamps and other assistance would be of great help to you. You need to take some time and deal with all of your issues, do not rush into another relationship(one that sounds like it could be a problem for you and the kids), attempt to get yourself some counseling, kids too, and see where you are in 6 months.

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