I may as well admit it up front because I'm sure others will definitely agree. I just don't know what to do about it.
A little background:
- Dec 2005 my ex husband died, leaving me grieving children
- May 2006 my current husband left us...I was still in nsg school. I somehow managed to finish, with no job (school was full time), and the only income being SS death benefits.
- I had to stop with my LPN, as I couldn't afford to raise three kids somehow work full time and school full time
- I have no family to rely on. My mom is immunocompromised; has full blown systemic lupus with multiple secondary illnesses
- I have horrid anxiety; am currently taking SSRI--at least I had the sense to get some help
- I met a man about a year ago. We are engaged. He has no kids. He doesn't help with them. I think he's unsure how to deal with teenagers. I don't blame him, really.
- I have missed SEVERAL days of work, beginning with an upper resp infection, being placed on an abx, then having my ankles swell, turn red then purple. Multiple workups by rheumatology. Neg ANA, Neg rheum factor. Just elevated SED and C reactive protein. MRI found bilateral...yes both....achilles ruptures. I'm now in aircasts...both feet. I look like I could be casted for "Night of the Living Dead."
- I started my current job only 3 months ago. Not eligible for FMLA. Not eligible for short term disability. It is an at-will employer. I posted a while back about my boss calling my former employer last month questioning how I was for her.
- I work an hour from home. My kids are latch-key kids. The guilt kills me, but they also know that mom needs to work.
I've probably missed more work than I have actually worked. I'm still in orientation there. Why they keep me I will never know.
I rush home every day to care for my kids, run them to all of their practices, attend their sporting events.....and rush to the school (yesterday) to pick up my littlest with a 101 fever post-motrin. Older daughter had 103 off and on....doc said "just viral". Can only tx sx's at this point.
Last night I came down with it. Before I left work yesterday they said, "Don't bring it here!" So I call my boss (who doesn't work in that office; I am in a float pool), and she has not called me back.
I know I'm walking a thin line. But it would be that way if I were in nursing or any other field. I have just managed to have some really really really bad luck. And I am not appealing to the sympathy vote...it just is what it is.
Truth is, I wouldn't be surprised to be fired soon. They have a business to run. Who needs a single mom with multiple health issues, multiple crises every 10 seconds.
Bottom line I'm feeling worthless. Despite giving all I have to my kids, and working hard (when I'm there). I'm burning the candle at both ends.
If I had my RN I could maybe look into working from home doing phone triage until the kids were older.
I did call the EAP for counseling this morning at least.
But my early Christmas present will most likely be a big fat termination.
I am not suicidal, but I can say this: I have never felt so hopeless in my life. I feel like I half kill myself running with three kids and work. No mother of the year award to me. No employee of the year, either. But yet I am always running.....
All I can do is cry....and wait for the termination letter.
I'm sorry this is so depressing. Thank you to anyone who reads this.
Nov 15, '07
Aw Emma *hug*
You're not a horrible anything. You have more on your plate than anyone could be expected to handle. Please go see EAP today. Forget about an appointment. Tell them it's urgent you get in today.
If they can't see you, ask them to get you in to someone you can see today or contact your local mental health agency. NO, you're not "crazy". You're overwhelmed and quite understandably so. I'm overwhelmed just reading about what you've gone through, you're living it.
Now close down your computer, pick up the phone and tell EAP you'll be there within the hour.
Last edit by EmmaG on Nov 15, '07