I'm a horrible employee

[Emma123]

I may as well admit it up front because I'm sure others will definitely agree. I just don't know what to do about it.

A little background:

• Dec 2005 my ex husband died, leaving me grieving children
  
• May 2006 my current husband left us...I was still in nsg school. I somehow managed to finish, with no job (school was full time), and the only income being SS death benefits.
  
• I had to stop with my LPN, as I couldn't afford to raise three kids somehow work full time and school full time
  
• I have no family to rely on. My mom is immunocompromised; has full blown systemic lupus with multiple secondary illnesses
  
• I have horrid anxiety; am currently taking SSRI--at least I had the sense to get some help
  
• I met a man about a year ago. We are engaged. He has no kids. He doesn't help with them. I think he's unsure how to deal with teenagers. I don't blame him, really.
  
• I have missed SEVERAL days of work, beginning with an upper resp infection, being placed on an abx, then having my ankles swell, turn red then purple. Multiple workups by rheumatology. Neg ANA, Neg rheum factor. Just elevated SED and C reactive protein. MRI found bilateral...yes both....achilles ruptures. I'm now in aircasts...both feet. I look like I could be casted for "Night of the Living Dead."
  
• I started my current job only 3 months ago. Not eligible for FMLA. Not eligible for short term disability. It is an at-will employer. I posted a while back about my boss calling my former employer last month questioning how I was for her.
  
• I work an hour from home. My kids are latch-key kids. The guilt kills me, but they also know that mom needs to work.

I've probably missed more work than I have actually worked. I'm still in orientation there. Why they keep me I will never know.

I rush home every day to care for my kids, run them to all of their practices, attend their sporting events.....and rush to the school (yesterday) to pick up my littlest with a 101 fever post-motrin. Older daughter had 103 off and on....doc said "just viral". Can only tx sx's at this point.

Last night I came down with it. Before I left work yesterday they said, "Don't bring it here!" So I call my boss (who doesn't work in that office; I am in a float pool), and she has not called me back.

I know I'm walking a thin line. But it would be that way if I were in nursing or any other field. I have just managed to have some really really really bad luck. And I am not appealing to the sympathy vote...it just is what it is.

Truth is, I wouldn't be surprised to be fired soon. They have a business to run. Who needs a single mom with multiple health issues, multiple crises every 10 seconds.

Bottom line I'm feeling worthless. Despite giving all I have to my kids, and working hard (when I'm there). I'm burning the candle at both ends.

If I had my RN I could maybe look into working from home doing phone triage until the kids were older.

I did call the EAP for counseling this morning at least.

But my early Christmas present will most likely be a big fat termination.

I am not suicidal, but I can say this: I have never felt so hopeless in my life. I feel like I half kill myself running with three kids and work. No mother of the year award to me. No employee of the year, either. But yet I am always running.....

All I can do is cry....and wait for the termination letter.

I'm sorry this is so depressing. Thank you to anyone who reads this.

Thank you,

Emma

[barefootlady, ADN, RN]

I agree that applying for food stamps and other assistance would be of great help to you. You need to take some time and deal with all of your issues, do not rush into another relationship(one that sounds like it could be a problem for you and the kids), attempt to get yourself some counseling, kids too, and see where you are in 6 months.

[Dottie78]

Emma, (hugs) I really feel for you, and I'm very sorry to hear you're going through all this. Remember, we're all here on this forum to give support and advice, so you did the right thing to vent on here. As for some of the ones who are a little judgemental, ignore those comments. Maybe you did make not-so-great choices in life, but you are NOT horrible, and you're trying your best to make everything better. We all make bad choices sometimes, and no one is perfect, but it is up to us to fix them, or make it better. It will get better, but it'll take some time. I do agree with some of the posters that maybe you should get government assistance in the meantime. It will probably help out a lot. Just have faith, and keep your chin up! :)

[Jo Dirt]

I understand what it feels like to be bogged down with depression. It makes it downright impossible to cope with life and every bump in the road seems like a mountain. If you're like me a vacation is a distant fantasy. I recently read where Britney Spears lives on an income of $700,000/month and spends about $100k each month on vacations--and I'd be on top of the world if I could just spend a week at a motel in Destin, FL--isn't that sickening?

I'd go back to the doctor and have my meds re-evaluated. Sorry you're having a hard time.

[Piki]

Emma, I'm so sorry to hear all you are going through. That is a very tough burden and you are not a horrible employee. Major ((((((hugs)))))) to you. I hope you can find some help.

[subee, MSN, CRNA]

Emma, (hugs) I really feel for you, and I'm very sorry to hear you're going through all this. Remember, we're all here on this forum to give support and advice, so you did the right thing to vent on here. As for some of the ones who are a little judgemental, ignore those comments. Maybe you did make not-so-great choices in life, but you are NOT horrible, and you're trying your best to make everything better. We all make bad choices sometimes, and no one is perfect, but it is up to us to fix them, or make it better. It will get better, but it'll take some time. I do agree with some of the posters that maybe you should get government assistance in the meantime. It will probably help out a lot. Just have faith, and keep your chin up! :)

Dottie 78: Did I every say that making poor decisions implies that someone is horrible? We ALL make poor decisions - some decisions have big consequences and some don't. Please look at my years of experience = I am a senior citizen and I've made a lot of bad choices. However, I find it more empowering to think that "I got myself into some of these messes and I can get myself out." I can't get myself out of a lot of stuff like the body getting older and not cooperating so well, but I can THINK my way out of most of the stuff. The original poster is having a hell of a time right now and I doubt that our hugs are enough for her. But with her physical problems compounding her emotional pain, she needs to get help. Its NOT GOING get better just because time passes. It sounds like a pattern is happing here. They're more difficult to change without doing some real hard work

[vamedic4, EMT-P]

OMG Emma, ((((hugs)))...I can't even imagine what you're going through. My sentiments echo the others here...you are certainly not worthless or horrible. What has happened to you isn't your fault by any stretch of the imagination.

Please, call the EAP and make an appt. ASAP. They can help, and they can refer you to agencies which can help you in the short term.

Do you attend church? If you do, I am certain they can help you...not just with any spiritual needs but also with things like food, clothing, rent, et cetera. Even if you don't, there are agencies in many cities that do the same thing. I hope and pray you are able to find the help you need soon. And of course, all of my best wishes are with you and your family.

vamedic4

[SuesquatchRN, BSN, RN]

subee said:

emma: I am exhausted from reading your post. what I'm going to say isn't meant to be cruel - its meant to help you move on. you've made some bad choices in life - three kids with no education (anything can happen to husbands!), married a man who left you and now you're "engaged" to a man who has no interest in your children! take a deep breath and think about that. these aforementioned items are results of poor decisions. your health issues aren't. you're the poster case for a mom who probably needs to get on welfare to get better physically, get some psychological help so you won't repeat the same mistakes and give yourself a chance to grow up with your children. do you really think its realistic that with your health issues and lack of education that you will get a job on the telephone from your house? I want to be twenty years younger and twenty pounds lighter but ain't gonna happen. I hope the meds are helping you feel better and I see you still have a sense of humor with all the bad stuff that's going on. you're only 36. you're life could be vastly better while you're a young woman. I'll bet you'd make a great social worker.

honey, find a way to get some help to stay home for awhile. ssi, disability - find a lawyer who can help.

and lose the guy who's no help. geezum!

[icuwant2rn]

suesquatch said:

honey, find a way to get some help to stay home for awhile. ssi, disability - find a lawyer who can help.

and lose the guy who's no help. geezum!

completely agree!!

[traumaRUs, MSN, APRN]

Emma - please take care of yourself. I think we are all in agreement (even you) that getting some type of help is your next step.