Honestly, I do like nursing. I like the OR, I like Post Operative, I enjoyed my peds and psych rotations in school. But I dread work, and I thought I was the only one until now.
Since my second semester of school though I've been wanting out of nursing. I got great grades, love pathophysiology, nursing theory, pharm etc, etc. But as soon as I'd get into a clinical setting I'd get upset and nervous. I'd have trouble recalling things. When my instructor tended to be supportive, I had no problem answering their questions, and using what I learned in nursing school
. Put me with a difficult instructor and BLANK, BLANK !! I had a really bad experience my first time in med/surg. My teacher set me up, and the other students started talking behind my back because he would only favor the students who would share negative information. He tried to convince me this was ok but I told him nicely tha I didn't agree with his philosophy. I told him we should learn to helpl eachother and work as a team. There were students in my clinical who had it so easy, easy patients, easy assignments, if they didn't know what they were doing he woudl walk them through it etc etc. If I messed up my first time doing something he would not help me, but he would intimidate me. I remember the first time I ever did a dressing, I brought an extra strile pack. I did not put my forceps in the Garbage, but he said I had. I cheerfully stated I had another pack and he said rudely, "well then we'll be here all day". If he could see me he'd never talk to me, but he'd STARE at me, making me feel uncomfortable. He got people from the hospital to come chat with me at lunch time and stuff, (I would ask them if they knew of nurses who could tutor me in the clinical skills area because my teacher was unable to spend extra time with me) and without me knowing they knew each other he used them at the end when I tried to appeal his decision to fail me. I repeated the course, and my self confidence was shattered !! I have no idea why he did all this, all I know is that since then I've had a really hard time dealing with my fears. I don't feel as if I can trust anyone. I've had lots of wonderful instructors since then who tried to build my confidence, and were willing to put in time to help me instead of watching me drown. But, I didn't get a job with those types of people, and it seems to me, from what I see on the board, that there's more toxic environments rather than positive ones.
Now that I've started my first real nursing job, I feel the same way, the fear and stress are always there. Its like I'm living in a nightmare. I know there have been times and I have been in work/clinical situations where I've really done well and enjoyed myself. Yet there is always this nagging fear that I'm just not cut out or good enough to be in nursing. I posted about what its like working in the OR with older nurses eating their young. I am feeling as if I've aged twice as much in the past 6 years since I started my nursing program, than I ever had before. I'm depressed, I'm feeling financially unstable, beause I feel like any day I'm going to be found out and get fired or one day I just won't be able to continue anymore. I constantly feel like I'm going to die, an then I get frustrated because I'm nto sure but I want to die. I don't know how to handle it when my preceptors are rude to me, and I hear things from the manager, which I never heard from my preceptors/ other coworkers.
After reading all these posts and threads I realized something, its not just me though. I was wondering if there were places I could work, as a nurse with little experience, where the stress levels (at least on a political/coworker level) would be less. I've considered dialysis, doctor's office (very little jobs in vancouver and toronto though and much less pay), community health (need to finsih my degree still) etc..
I've even gone so far as to consider becoming a transcriptionist (working form home if possible), or just a MOA. But I can't really afford to do all that. I'm 30, in debt, no savings or anything. I was waiting to finsih nursing school because I thought at that point I would have a secure income and slowly start building. But now I feel like I've lost.
Feb 22, '07
I have a job now, I've graduated. I work in the OR. I have a psychiatrist but we don't talk much about work. I think I will bring it up next time. I started going to him for a different reason. But I have a feeling that even that stemmed from what happened the second semester of nursing school
. I have periods where I feel fine, but as soon as I'm about to start something new (like a job), I get anxious, I start losing sleep etc. I'm glad someone understands. I was in a car accident last spring and havne't been back to work since then. I want to go back but I'm anxious as I had a couple of difficult people to work with, and I tended to have to work with them quite a bit. So things would be great, because most of the coworkers were fine to work with, and then one day I'd be working with the difficult nurse and I'd get reported for something, or a couple times I blew up after the case was over. I'm worried that I will go back and I won't remember my skills that I learned, and I will have to go through the same hell again.
I suppose I really just wanted out of nursing, but I realize now that maybe I need to consider other areas of nursing that I can deal with, such as community. I am a diploma nurse
however, applying for universities right now. I'm hoping that once accepted I will have better chances of getting a job in the community, or someplace where its less stressful. Anyone have any suggestions other than community ?
Quote from checkb
Have you considered speaking to your school's or hospital's mental health clinician about this? You could have an easily treatable minor situational depression/ anxiety disorder. I'm the poster child for that. Everything you are feeling is VERY familiar to me.
Last edit by sandlewood_nurse on Feb 22, '07
Feb 22, '07
I read your post multiple times trying to find every nuance that would give me a clue as to what has got you so upset that you would throw away years of education that you presumably loved away because some coworkers aren't being buddy buddy. It was all about a bad experience in nursing school? Is that what your post said?
Maybe you need a little perspective. I'm 48 years old. I'm feeling pretty stressed too now but here is my situation. I've been a patient care oriented nurse for 25 years. Sometimes I had great coworkers, sometimes they were backstabbing b's. I never got my satisfaction out of how well I did being the social butterfly at work but rather how my patients felt at the end of the day. I can't do patient care any more because I have a herniated discs in my neck that make my dominant arm unreliable to lift with. Sure it probably happened because of 25 years of lifting but I can't prove it so I'm on my own. I switched to a job in Information Systems (which I like a whole lot more than I ever liked patient care) but pays less so that leads to financial strain. Not to mention that these jobs are not a dime a dozen so if I ever lose this job or want to relocate, I may be in a world of hurt.
My 13 year old daughter went for a sports physical last OCtober and had a HR of 130's so we've been back and forth to doctors and found out she needs a cardiac ablation but finding a hospital with an EP lab whose anesthesia department will do it on a 13 year old is proving to be a nightmare. Unless of course I want to pay for it out of pocket. Sure, I have $5,000 laying around to pay for a procedure that should be covered by my insurance but may not because we have to go out of network. Now my ex-husband (my daughter's father) went in to the hospital on Monday and has been diagnosed with inoperable lung and brain cancer. So within 3 months my daughter won't have a father. She's feeling pretty stressed because her daddy won't be there to see her graduate from 8th grade in May let alone share high school, college, marriage, grandchildren, or any of the other things that a girl wants from her dad. I'm feeling pretty much stress because I don't have her father to help me with decisions regarding her treatment.
My last living grandparent died in December. My dog is old and feeble and needs to be put out of his misery but I can't make that decision right now because of everything else. The storm in December took out the power and a huge number of trees which will mean major landscaping expense in the spring to repair damage. I could go on and on.
Last edit by traumaRUs on Feb 22, '07