husband begrudgingly supportive - page 3

He vascillates; when he's not trying to talk me out of pursuing a career in nursing he's saying he's not for it, but will support me. He goes so far as to tell me he doesn't think I can do it, which... Read More

  1. by   buddiage
    Quote from RN_Pursuit2b

    He says he is my best friend and he's the only one who will be honest with me. He said if I go out and prove him wrong...all the better, but that still puts me on my own path.
    "Honey, you know I love you, and as your best friend, you can trust me to tell you the REAL truth. The truth is, is you are incapable of being a nurse. I mean, you know, I didn't really want to say this, since I'm your best friend and didn't want to hurt your feelings, but you are too much of an airhead, sweetie....and everyone knows it, but we love you anyways. Of course, if you decide to take the risk of going to nursing school and probably failing, well, you'd be on your own of course."

    Okay, inferences of "without me, you'd fail."

    I'm sorry, but I'm telling you, I have been there, and I cannot believe I didn't see it.

    Your husband is scared, most likely. You'll learn this in nursing school: roles that, if they become different, can be difficult to the family. Your husband has a social delima on his hands- it is: you'd be too empowered and he does not know what that means to him.
    Last edit by buddiage on Oct 4, '07
  2. by   buddiage
    Quote from BSNDec06
    IMO there is a difference between being honest and being plain mean- your husband is the latter. I agree with those who suggest counseling.
    I know he probably has good attributes.

    This just sounds familiar
    Last edit by buddiage on Oct 4, '07
  3. by   Jo Dirt
    Quote from Emmanuel Goldstein
    Sorry, but "He goes so far as to tell me he doesn't think I can do it" isn't being supportive. Begrudgingly or otherwise.

    It's up to you to decide whether to continue to put up with his abuse (yeah, this IS abusive).

    No, it's not abusive you just have someone with a different thinking process. Maybe he isn't being overtly inspiring and when people get emotional they don't deal with concrete objectivity very well.

    He is a contradiction-oriented learner. Perhaps he is going too far with his objectivity but I'm guilty of this as well. When I'm faced with anything new or different I immediately work it in my mind all the reasons it will not work. Am I holding myself down? Maybe, but I think I'm preventing a lot of reckless mistakes as well.

    Just listen to him and be as objective with yourself as you can. Tell him you really want to try and you can't make any garantee's but you won't know until you do it.
  4. by   Lisa CCU RN
    Quote from Mel_RN in 08
    I agree that there is more to this than him doubting your abilities in nursing school. I do know that if it had not been for the support of my husband I would not be looking at graduation in 4 months.
    And I know if I had not let my husband go, I wouldn't be looking at graduation in two months.

    Congrats to you getting this far.
  5. by   leslie :-D
    my husband has pursued many different interests over the yrs.
    never, in a million yrs, would i ever think to stop him or criticize him.
    yeah, i have (privately) rolled my eyes w/some of his interests, but he has always been truly free to explore any creative, intellectual, physical and even neanderthal interests.
    i always smile when he shares his next big ideas w/me.
    and that's what it's about...
    wanting what the other wants, so they'll be happy.
    even if said interests only last a week.
    whatever it takes, wherever it goes, i'm there for the ride.

    leslie
  6. by   EmmaG
    Quote from buddiage
    Okay, inferences of "without me, you'd fail."

    I'm sorry, but I'm telling you, I have been there, and I cannot believe I didn't see it.

    Your husband is scared, most likely. You'll learn this in nursing school: roles that, if they become different, can be difficult to the family. Your husband has a social delima on his hands- it is: you'd be too empowered and he does not know what that means to him.
    It threatens his sense of control.

    I've been there too. I stand by my first post; this is abusive. It's up to the OP to decide if she will continue to allow this to happen, get counseling, or leave altogether. There are red flags all over the place here. I only wish someone had been there to point them out to me years ago.
  7. by   RN_Pursuit2b
    Quote from buddiage
    Ahhh... yes. Been there. Done that.

    I'm not kidding. I think I even posted a few years ago about my husband. I graduate in May, 2008.

    My husband is supportive, but for a few years, he wasn't.

    My sell was two things:

    1) I would do this, and if "we couldn't afford it" (an excuse I heard ad nauseum) then I'd charge it on the card. I will do it or die trying. And a few repeats come time to pay tuition, he knew I was serious.

    2) Just think of all the money (I add his and my future income together, and it sounds like a lot of money).

    Money = big shop, bigger truck (no matter what, you don't have to buy it, but you have to appeal to their greedy side. Sad, isn't it?)

    The root of the problem with my husband at the time was insecurity. I even heard he told a friend he was afraid "I'd find a doctor" and leave him. Oh brother. Let me tell you, his lack of comfort with the situation lead to a few REALLY ridiculous situations- all of them comming back to me going to school.

    Well, he, after a while, began to change his behavior. And a lot of other girls I go to school with have similiar stories. They see it as, when you are a nurse, you do not "need" them, and if they've been a butthead to you, you CAN choose to cut them loose and find someone else. It's a very threatening proposition to some men, especially if you've been such a good little wifey and stayed home.

    So, my advice- DO IT. You will find support from friends at school. You will meet other people that support you. And your husband will have the choice of being nice or being a baby.

    Take it from someone who has been there.
    LOL! Boys and their toys. Buddiage, you reminded me that he did say once that he was a little afraid I'd meet some cute doctor and so on, I'm ten years younger than he is and yes...insecurity plays in there too. He deals with the "more money" issue by joking that I can support him and he'll be the housewife. He is afraid I won't finish what I started, probably because I've abandoned a few novels he thought were good. I still maintain that though I understand his woes, he needs a little lesson in tactfulness, and we have a pow-wow scheduled for this evening, to discuss just exactly that. Thank you for sharing your experience, I saw a lot of us in there! You're inspiring; I'm glad for you that you are so determined and focused!
  8. by   RN_Pursuit2b
    Quote from wildchipmunk
    From your first post, I knew you were highly intelligent. Want to know why? You correctly used "affect" instead of "effect."

    If your best friend can't identify how bright you are and doesn't believe you can make it through nursing school, I'd hate to see what your worst enemy would have to say.

    My husband vacillated about his support of my decision to begin nursing school because I've started on the path and quit before over the years. His doubts were founded on past behavior. However, just before classes started he came home with a brand new laptop and is now completely on board. Hopefully, your husband will give you a chance too.

    Best of luck to you! You CAN do it, I have no doubt.
    That's awesome! I have a feeling this will be the same way, once I've proven I'm going to follow through. I am terrified, and I'm afraid I have been pretty much all talk so far because of my lack of confidence. Thank you for sharing, you've really been a help.
  9. by   RN_Pursuit2b
    Quote from buddiage
    "Honey, you know I love you, and as your best friend, you can trust me to tell you the REAL truth. The truth is, is you are incapable of being a nurse. I mean, you know, I didn't really want to say this, since I'm your best friend and didn't want to hurt your feelings, but you are too much of an airhead, sweetie....and everyone knows it, but we love you anyways. Of course, if you decide to take the risk of going to nursing school and probably failing, well, you'd be on your own of course."

    Okay, inferences of "without me, you'd fail."

    I'm sorry, but I'm telling you, I have been there, and I cannot believe I didn't see it.

    Your husband is scared, most likely. You'll learn this in nursing school: roles that, if they become different, can be difficult to the family. Your husband has a social delima on his hands- it is: you'd be too empowered and he does not know what that means to him.
    LOL! I loved your translation, and I'm going to use that!
  10. by   APBT mom
    I was in a similar situation as you when I started nursing school. When I started my pre req's he was fine, when I applied to another program he was fine, when I got accepted he was fine, when I went to my first day of school he wasn't fine anymore. First it was it's at night I'm never going to see you (he works out of town and I have no problem with never seeing him). I went to school. Then it was your always going to be studying I'm never going to see you (back to the out of town thing). I went to school. What finally made me snap was when I decided to put some make up on because I was sick and looked like garbage and he said I don't want you to go to school anymore. I told him I'm doing this whether you like it or not and went to school.

    What I did was planned a nice night where I had nothing to do and knew he would be home and we talked about why he didn't want me to go to school. He told me that he was afraid that I was going to leave him for a doctor or that I would leave him because I thought he wasn't good enough for me. I told him that first off that 99% of the time there are no doctors at the hospital and I wasn't going to leave him because I thought I was better than him. That I was doing this so WE would have a secure future and wouldn't have to struggle anymore. Since he has always been behind me and brags to everyone how his wife is going to be a nurse one day.
  11. by   General E. Speaking, RN
    Quote from earle58
    true love will encourage you, not deflate you.
    :yeahthat:
  12. by   fmrnicumom
    I can relate to a lot of what you've posted. I could write out my story, but I'd rather not because we have come so far from where we were. Let's just say that last year I hit my breaking point. We had the "final straw" moment. Finally, after years (literally!) of asking, he agreed to go to counseling. We were given the name of a counselor who has been amazing. We saw her weekly for a long time, but now see her once a month just to make sure we stay on track. In our case, there was a lot of stress, much of it caused by outside events, but also things we both had done or not done. We were not communicating at all. He thought he knew what I was thinking, and I thought I knew what he was thinking. Of course, neither of us really did know, but because we thought we did, it led to a great deal of misunderstanding.

    It has only been fairly recently that he has become supportive of my desire to become a nurse. He used to say I was on my own, or that he knew something would happen and I wouldn't finish. Now he helps with things so I can go to class and study. Trust me when I say this is a huge difference from the way things used to be! He was raised in a very traditional, conservative household. His mom stayed home and did everything for everyone. I have been home since our 9 year old daughter was born, mostly by choice but partly by circumstance. I have loved being home, but because of how he was raised, he had the mentality that because he went to work, everything else was my responsibility. When I first went back to school, he was not supportive and he did not offer help in any way. He didn't even want to hear how I did on a test, or that a class was hard or interesting. Now that has changed, and I have to say that I am SO proud of him for all the work he has done. I know it hasn't been easy for him. What it comes down to is this: good counseling saved our marriage.

    I'm not saying counseling will magically make everything better. We have both worked incredibly hard. It takes dedication, commitment, but most of all, it takes a willingness to change. Please feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

    Tiffany
  13. by   rita359
    [quote=stevielynn;2432744]In a situation like this, I think an appt. with a counselor is a good idea.Completely agree. Someone needs to give your husband a talking to and a counselor would be a good person to do it. You have your whole life ahead of you and the only way for that to be a good life is for both of you to get educated. A decent life is the goal for both of you and stress to him that that is what you are trying to achieve. Don't put it off until you have a housefull of kids and more stumbling blocks in the way of your goal.

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