How do I do this without hurting anyone?

Nurses General Nursing

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  • Specializes in Transplant, homecare, hospice.

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HappyJaxRN

434 Posts

Specializes in Transplant, homecare, hospice.
You may wind up resenting this person if she continues to intrude on your emotions, time and life. I would move on. I have had to do this in my own home case I had last year this time, and I do not regret it.

Yup. You are sooooo right! Because I'm doing that now.

caliotter3

38,333 Posts

I have left cases when problems could not be resolved. From reading what you have to say, I would advise you to have yourself removed from this case.

Specializes in Corrections, neurology, dialysis.

If she's manipulating you, I don't think talking to her would help. The next time she asks a favor, say no. She'll either eventually stop asking or she'll blow up and get nasty. If she blows up, that says a lot about who she is.I have noticed that if I know someone a short time and all of a sudden they are asking me for favors, it's usually because they have used up everyone around them. Their friend and relatives are tired of their constant neediness, so they pounce on the first person that crosses their path. It's always a red flag for me.

Agnus

2,719 Posts

I work part time in homecare. I took on a case about a mile from my house. I love this little elderly lady. She has become very dependent on me. She takes my heart away. But at the same time...she calls me nearly every day. Most of the time it's things that she needs to call her MD for. She has very little help at home.

Her family members tell me that a lot of the times, she doesn't let them help her. They also say that she is getting around better than she puts on. Without being judgemental, I can only assess what I see and what she tells me.

She asks me to take her to the doctor's offices and get her meds for her. That is way above and beyond what my agency is wanting me to do. I volunteer to do this from time to time. Now she wants me to be the only one to do it and she says that she doesn't want any other nurse out there to help her. She only wants me. I have explained to her on numerous occasions that there will be times that I can't always be the one to help her. She said she will send the other nurses away.

She had someone helping her to the doctor's office appointments, but when I started helping her out, she told the other person to get lost. I told her to call her back and ask her to help her when I can't. She refused.

In January, I have to move in with my dad part time to help him recover from his surgery. I will be returning to school as well to finish my BSN....I will still be working full time at that hospital. I have to tell her that I can't come out other than when the agency sends me which is only once a week. She relies on me more than that.

How do I tell her? What would you say? My agency said that they would take me off the case for 3 weeks if I needed to break away and she resisted. What do you think?

What do I think? I think you overstepped your professional boundary and are continuing to do so.

You can not undo what has already been done. You can only move forward. Let your agency take you off the case. But it should be permanently not just 3 weeks. It is a mess but you will and the pt will survive this much needed separation.

If the agency is unwilling to remove you from the case completely then you need to grow a back bone and set limits with this person. You can end up is a worse situation than you have new if you do not. You could even legally find yourself in a real bind at some point.

This woman is doing what is referred to a "staff splitting." You can only get hurt.

TazziRN, RN

6,487 Posts

My suggestion: ask your agency to reassign you. Don't go back there. As already stated you have crossed boundaries and there is no way to get back to the right side with this woman. You will not be able to save your professional relationship here because it will always be awkward.

Grace Oz

1,294 Posts

Specializes in Med/Surg/Ortho/HH/Radiology-Now Retired.

I second what the others have written.

Wishing you all the best.

HappyJaxRN

434 Posts

Specializes in Transplant, homecare, hospice.
What do I think? I think you overstepped your professional boundary and are continuing to do so.

You can not undo what has already been done. You can only move forward. Let your agency take you off the case. But it should be permanently not just 3 weeks. It is a mess but you will and the pt will survive this much needed separation.

If the agency is unwilling to remove you from the case completely then you need to grow a back bone and set limits with this person. You can end up is a worse situation than you have new if you do not. You could even legally find yourself in a real bind at some point.

This woman is doing what is referred to a "staff splitting." You can only get hurt.

Thanks. I'm realizing how serious this is. My agency mentioned that it could also be looked upon as medicare fraud. I don't see how since I'm volunteering. But I see your point. Thank you for being up front and frank.

Jo Dirt

3,270 Posts

This woman is doing what is referred to a "staff splitting." You can only get hurt.

My father-in-law was (finally) diagnosed with a personality disorder about a year ago and this is what he does at the assisted care facility where he is staying. Fortunately the lady running the place has his number and does not tolerate the games, which is incredibly frustrating to him, because, in this part of the country, especially, a lot of people are not wise to people like this.

Where he is now, when he starts making up stories to gain sympathy or try to make himself look good or to pit employees against one another, the boss will step in and tell him to "save it." She told us when he starts talking about this or that worker and accusing them of not doing their job (which is not true) she will go get the accused person and bring them right in front of my f-i-l and tell the accused what my f-i-l is saying and taking care of it right there. She says he will get sooo embarrassed when this happens. He is 83 and I doubt there are many times he has been held accountable for his nasty behavior, but I guess eventually what goes around really does come around.

Some people tend to equate being old with integrity, honesty, wisdom...and don't realize personality disorders are not age-related and manipulative and devious behavior will follow a person through the life stages.

fmrnicumom

374 Posts

Just wanted to wish you luck in what is a difficult situation.

Take care! :)

Tiffany

dria

246 Posts

Specializes in home health, peds, case management.

i think that the posters before me have done a good job of telling you what you need to do. it is a difficult situation, and i'm sure you entered it with no bad intentions.

i think it's time to get the social worker involved. you need to pull out of that case-permanently-and it sounds like she's done a good job of alienating other available caregivers. she is going to need some help in meeting the needs you had previously met...

wishing all the best to everyone involved...

@

Specializes in OB, M/S, HH, Medical Imaging RN.
Her family members tell me that a lot of the times, she doesn't let them help her. She asks me to take her to the doctor's offices and get her meds for her.

It sounds more to me like the family is manipulative and taking advantage of you. They rely on "you" and you out of all the kindness of your heart have allowed it.

Tell the family empathically that "they" are responsible for getting her to the doctor, getting her meds, etc....

How do I tell her? What would you say? My agency said that they would take me off the case for 3 weeks if I needed to break away and she resisted. What do you think?

Of course she is going to resist...wouldn't you? A compassionate nurse vs family who obviously makes her feel like a burden?

I would sit her down and explain to her that your life has gone in another direction and that as much as you care for her you have to move on. I woud definately not go back once a week, a month, or whatever. A clean break is the best for both of you. I know from where I speak...I have stood in your shoes. It wasn't easy but it was definately the best thing I could have done.

Valanda

112 Posts

After 10 years in home health, I've learned a few things.

I never give my personal phone number to the family/client. If they need to talk to me about something outside of my scheduled hours, they can go through the agency.

I also am never the "regular" nurse. I only do fill in shifts now. I've had too many times where a patient has been hospitalized or died and I've lost hours / pay.

If I work 5 shifts in a week, it is at 4 or 5 different places.

In your current situation, I'd say to cut and run as quickly as possible. And in the future, be sure to run everything past your agency. IF someone asks for anything odd, just tell them that you have to ask the case manager. Odds are the case manager will say "no".

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