I'm just looking for a little bit of advice and for my dilemma to make sense, I will back-track a bit (sorry in advance if it seems too personal).
I have been a CNA for the past ten years-seven years rehab/nursing home; three years hospital (Oncology and currently the ED). I'm in the Army Reserves as a Medic. I was going to get married July 8th and move to Albuquerque, NM. The day after I graduated Nursing school May 19th, some things happened that led me to the decision to cancel my wedding indefinitely. I quickly backpedaled and arranged my life to stay in Wisconsin. I had a meeting with my director and she was elated that I was staying, extremely supportive and she said she'd love to hire me on as a nurse and announced it in the quarterly meeting as well weeks ago. Some of my nurses went to her asking to precept me as well when I eventually started.
Because of my major life change, I put off taking my boards until July 13th (I passed-76 questions). My director contacted me for a peer interview, which I had last Thursday. Apparently it went very well because a lot of my nurses came up to me and congratulated me, they were super excited for me to start, etc. Monday morning my director called me and told me they were unable to hire me d/t the fact they hired four other new grads in May and they can't take another new grad. She also said that she was sorry that I was under the impression that I was getting the job, that it was a miscommunication and misunderstanding.
I was able to save face (with quite a few tears) and went directly to her office when I got to work. We discussed the issue and as much as I wanted to tell her a few unprofessional things, I said that I completely understood where she was coming from because it's a hard transition to train anyone, especially a new grad. I told her I applied for some different positions right away at our sister hospital and she said that she can make a phone call to the director as well, but "it's not going to guarantee" the job for me (Duh, I know. Just got under my skin). She also told me that this could be the "best thing that could have ever happened to me" and that "maybe I just needed a fresh start". (Go *** yourself) She said she'd love to keep me in my tech position until I found other employment (HR policy states it's okay for me to continue to do so). Also another go *** yourself.
Obviously I am distraught. I love my job, I love my nurses, my providers and have a fantastic work relationship with all of them. It's downright embarrassing. I was barely able to keep it together at work; thankfully it was a princess shift to help out the unit and I'm off until Monday. I have such a passion for emergency medicine; that's why I joined the military honestly. I feel like this is the straw that broke the camel's back because I thought life was finally going to start getting better. I feel no excitement about graduating finally as a nurse with everything going on. This should be one of the happiest moments of my life (I legit am such a nerd. I love school and constantly research medicine. I plan on getting my BSN, CEN, and eventually Masters).
I know I'm going to have to start the job search
, but it's going to be difficult to fake it during an interview. How do I convince someone I really want the job when I don't? I'm just at a complete loss right now with life. I almost feel like taking a break from healthcare period to work on myself, but I also don't want a gap on my resume. I think it also looks bad that I currently work at a hospital, but they aren't going to hire me. "Why won't they just take her on there? Something must be wrong with her". I thought that I was a valued employee and now feel that I'm just not competent enough. What do I do?