The gift that keeps on hurting

I am going through such a terrible time right now. One of my best friends has died, she had been very depressed, she didn't care anymore what happened to her, she didn't want to go on...I guess you can see where this is going, I can't say the words.

I am so distracted I can't think straight. Work yesterday was awful, I felt like a complete fool, I kept screwing up, it was one screw up after another, at the end of the day I was so exhausted with myself and so sick of myself, I felt like everyone was looking at me and calculating in their heads what a complete waste of space I am, I don't even belong in this profession, I should be banned for eternity from this profession.

I wanted to call someone and just talk and get my head pulled together, but there's no one to call, no one wants to talk abou this. She had long ceased to be a person that I could confide in, she was so wrapped up in her despair, but there was always her voice in my head, laughing and making some pithy remark about the ridiculousness of the world and setting me straight and making me feel better about myself, making me feel not so alone, I always knew she was out there and on my side.

I really felt that no one would understand what I was going through but another nurse, I wanted to call a friend who was a nurse, and I have some out there, someone who would understand this as a nurse would, but no one who would understand this as a person who knows me in my heart would. I'm not sure that makes sense.

I just feel like I have to put this out there into the world, I can't carry this burden alone anymore.

I can't even find any icons that match this situation.