Father problems - page 2

Maybe I just need to vent but I would appreciate any info. It's about my dad. He is a strict ex-cop and we have a bit of a love hate relationship. I just got into it with him big time because he... Read More

  1. by   Q.
    Fergus,

    I think I can understand what you are going through - in a way. As you know, my father is an alcoholic; and still very active in the disease. He has been a drinker for over 20 years.

    His story is a tragic one; he was married young and very early in his advertising career became an executive. I remember seeing clippings from the society section that my mom had kept, where they featured my dad and his family. My parents traveled the world at the tender ages of 27 and 30. When I see photos of young executives now, I can't help but think "Wow, they have it made," and wondering if people thought that of my father and us when he was featured. If only they saw him now....unable to care for himself, unemployed.

    When I was a teenager, my father, while under the influence, would say the most hurtful things to me, and would call me names as well. I vividly remember my sister and I getting into an argument with my mom, and then going to bed in our room, and waking up to my dad smacking me and tossing me around, calling me a "piece of sh*t", etc. He didn't physically hurt me, as he was drunk himself, but the name-calling is what I remember most.

    All you can do is stand up for yourself. As an adult now, you are able to command this type of treatment. There are always people (I have quite a few in my family) who say hurtful things, but in a weird way, love you. Life is too short. When your father starts treating you like this or calls you a name, stand up for yourself and don't speak to him until he apologizes and shows you respect as his child and a grown woman.

    It may be hard to do, and this just may the way that your dad "is," but my opinion is that no one deserves to be treated that way. Being a parent doesn't give you a license to be abusive.

    Take care.:kiss
  2. by   live4today
    The "Father topic" is still a difficult place in my life right now since my father acts like he is father-less all the time. He doesn't seem to "get it" when I say to him that I still need my father. I will have to sit this one out for awhile since I won't be able to talk about him without crying. Just wanted to jump in here and say, I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND THE FATHER THING, FERGUS51. My prayerful thoughts are with you today. :kisses and (((hugs)))
  3. by   CindyJRN
    Fergus, I wish I could give you a big hug right now to make you feel worthy and special. I know it is hard to put up with an insensitive parent but like the rest of us, you keep going back and expecting things to be different. Although you will never change your Dad's behavior, you can try to work on how you react to it. I still work on it daily. There's a great quote I can't quite remember about allowing others to make you feel unworthy only if you give them permission.
  4. by   joannep
    I grew up in a family where verbal and physical assult by my father was the norm. My mother, brother and I were bashed regularly to almost unconsciousness.
    My brother and I left home when I turned 17 and had left school. We begged mum to come, but she wouldn't. She was married to my father, and still loved him. She finally left him when she was 65, and he was still hitting her.
    My brother and I put each other through uni, we worked hard and were very focussed. He is an engineer and I am an RN. I met and married my husband, a very gentle man and have two children.
    My father is not interested in my children or my brother's 4 children. I hear from him every now and then when he wants to try to find my mum, but I tell him I don't know where she is. My mother has a new partner who treats her like a princess. They go out for meals and ballroom dancing every weekend.
    The end result has been that my brother and I haven't had a father, my mother hasn't had a husband, and my children don't have a grandfather. He will die a lonely and isolated death, somewhere, some day. He has brought this all on himself.
    Human relationships are very fragile and I wish you the best in your effort to heal your relationship with your father.
  5. by   semstr
    Tracy-Fergus, (((((((((((((kissses))))))))))))))),
    I know the feeling and heared the words, not from my father, but from my mother.
    Terrible. Try to stand up for youself, try see behind his behaviour, why does he do this? Although those reasons are hard to catch and even harder to understand most of the time.
    Sometimes the only way out (for me) is a "time-out". After a few months, I can handle it again, but only per telephone.
    I see my mum once a year for about a week, that's all I can handle and apparently she too. During this week, at day 3, she starts doing and saying her things, at first slowly and on the last day it is terrible! When she leaves, I am absolutely worn out and my family too. But after 1 day she phones and thanks me for the great times we had, without a word towards her "behavior".

    Very hard, but you know the old saying: blood is thicker, then noodlesoup. or the other one: you can pick your friends, but not your family.

    Take care, Renee
  6. by   hoolahan
    {{{{{{Joanne}}}}}}that was very brave of you to share your story.

    I will only say I have had my own struggles with the parental issues. I don't talk about it. But I will say this. I think that the reason it is so difficult to seperate ourselves from abusive parents is b/c most of us were raised to "Honor they father and mother". How can we be good people if we can't do that right? But you have to ask yourself, how can you honor a person who physically, or mentally abuses you, or makes you feel so bad about yourself that even at late age in life you still have self-doubts? Is that love? I don't know, but after years of soul-searching, this is what I have discovered is the root of my conflicts. How can I be a good person if I don't honor my parents? I know I am a good person, but still the deepest parts of my psyche have this little tape that turns on when I am feeling blue. It has been a life-long struggle, and required intermittent antidepressant therapy. I am taking zoloft again for about 3 weeks now, and even my husband has noticed the improvement.

    All I can say fergus is that you are NOT a bad person for feeling this way. I did attend a year of therapy and it was very helpful.
  7. by   LauraRN0501
    Boy, parents are a tough issue. I'm thinking about my parents and HOPING my son doesn't have these same issues with me when he's an adult.

    Fergus, you did an awesome thing in standing up to your father and you may well have started your relationship on the road to recovery. I admire your strength and wish I had half of what it must have taken you.

    My mother was pretty verbally abusive as we were growing up, more so as we got older because she became an alcoholic. Neither my brother nor I remember much about our childhood, which I never thought strange until my sister-in-law and my husband both told me that was really weird. Maybe we just blocked it out, I don't know.

    There are so many things I wish I could say to my mother, but I become completely unable to speak when she gets started, even to this day.

    Recently, while drunk (which is ALWAYS), she told me that she knows my son hears bad things about her, and she thinks it isn't fair. I told her that he was old enough to make his own mind up about things and that I didn't think it was fair that he saw the things he did. My mother then said to me "then don't bring him back." I looked at her for a minute, realizing she didn't really understand what she was saying, then I just said "okay" and turned around and left. She THEN ran crying to my father about how awful I am and repeated the conversation, somehow leaving out the part where she told me not to bring her grandson back.

    We pretty much have to put up with my mother because if we confront her or upset her, she takes it out on my father, which she has always done. My father recently had neurosurgery, which has left him very childlike and my entire family tries to make sure she's not any meaner to him because of us than she is to him anyway. Does that make sense?? I don't think any of us would have anything to do with my mother if it wasn't for the fact that she holds my father hostage.

    Anyway, again Fergus, I admire your bravery, and I wish I had the same courage that you do. I believe your relationship with your father will start to improve and heal. You have taken the first step and it will be easier to share your feelings from here on in.

    Keep us posted on how things go!

    Laura

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