THE DRAMA KING strikes again

Rapheal · Dec 18, 2003

Only you know where your heart lies in the decision you may have to make. Could you really make him leave if he loses his job- or would you relent? Sadly, I have learned that the best prediction of future behavior is reviewing past behavior. People can change- but do you see any indication of him changing his behavior? With that in mind it is probally best to be very careful about spending money right now.

Being married can be so tough. Being there through the good times and the bad. What do you think his problem is? Is he just this irresponsible or does he have other issues going on? Does he hate his job and feel trapped? Does he stay up too late?

I would decide what I wanted to do first. Such as having a plan. If I thought that we would be seperated I would find a job before issuing an ultimatum (cuz I never bluff). Then I would sit him down and let him know that for the sake of our kids I demand he makes changes or leave. The choice to stay together would then be his. I would offer to help him if he needs counseling or if he needs to find another job. But something has to change or your dreams of becoming a nurse will be put on hold and I am sure that would be crushing to both you and the girls.

I wish you strength and peace in your decision. And I know it stinks that these types of situations always seem to happen when you are vulnerable - such as Christmas. You seem like such a good person, and I know your girls are your first priority. I am praying for you and your family.

SmilingBluEyes · Dec 18, 2003

I so agree with the poster before me. MAKE A DO-ABLE plan and issue ultimatums ONLY IF YOU INTEND TO FOLLOW THROUGH!

-forget trying psych-analyze the guy and make a plan that includes your having to make a go without the guy...if need be.

yes he MAY be depressed......may be anxious....maybe a lot of things. MAYBE your plan could include only keeping him around IF He gets help for any possible psychosocial issues in his life.

BUT MAKE A PLAN....do not issue any false or weak ultimatums. He will know when you are bluffing and stall for more time.

I wish you the best.....I am so sorry about all this. It really stinks, this situation of yours.

sjoe · Dec 18, 2003

"It is exactly one week before Christmas. I have not bought a tree or the first gift yet. I have $400 for Christmas but I'm scared to spend it because I don't know if he will be employed when the New Year gets here.

I am a full-time student. I bust my @$$ for school, around the house, and taking care of our three girls. I quit my job in April at his urging so I could concentrate on school more."

Though far be it from me to repeat myself:

mrsabradford · Dec 18, 2003

Have you every taken the time out to speak with him and find out what exactly is going on with him at work, etc?

As a married woman, this is where the vows that you took come in.

"...For better of for worse..."

This may not be the worse, but things will get better.

iliel · Dec 18, 2003

Originally posted by mrsabradford
Have you every taken the time out to speak with him and find out what exactly is going on with him at work, etc?

As a married woman, this is where the vows that you took come in.

"...For better of for worse..."

This may not be the worse, but things will get better.

sorry, but I have to disagree. I worked with a woman who was working 2 jobs around Chirstmas because her husband wouldn't. There where so many jobs he could have done, oh BTW, did I mention she was also in a EMT course to be a firefighter! And yet he wouldn't take a job that he thought was beneth him. What the...., she left him, found a wonderful guy who would clean toliets if it ment she didn't have to work one job let alone two. Vows or not, no one is above any job, in hard times, you take what you can get, be a man, and help support your wife and family! the same goes for women. This woman's husband was lazy.

kastas, BSN, RN · Dec 18, 2003

I can't tell you for sure what to do if he does get fired....But, let me tell you what I did.

We were in a similar circumstance. DH was always late for work and would use the excuse that he had to take our son to school and he couldn't leave until I got home (working nights) to get the other children. BTW boss's daughter is in our son's class. Several times I would pass his boss as I was driving home from work and he was on his way to drop off his daughter. He finally got the point that I was getting home early enough to let DH leave, take son to school and then get to work on time.

I set all the clocks in the house and cars 15 min fast. He never wears a watch, so that wasn't an issue. It took him most of the school year to catch on. He was always waiting to walk out the door as I was walking in. Several times he questioned me on why I was late getting home from work and I would change the subject. LOL, probably thinks I had an affair.

Anyway, he now knows they are all fast, but hasn't changed his habits. I even have to look at the clock a couple of times trying to remember what time it really is.

Give hubby a chance. Lots of prodding. Maybe you have to get up with him in the mornings to keep him moving. We act like their mom's in ever other way, why not now?

Terri

mrsabradford · Dec 18, 2003

Originally posted by iliel
sorry, but I have to disagree. I worked with a woman who was working 2 jobs around Chirstmas because her husband wouldn't. There where so many jobs he could have done, oh BTW, did I mention she was also in a EMT course to be a firefighter! And yet he wouldn't take a job that he thought was beneth him. What the...., she left him, found a wonderful guy who would clean toliets if it ment she didn't have to work one job let alone two. Vows or not, no one is above any job, in hard times, you take what you can get, be a man, and help support your wife and family! the same goes for women. This woman's husband was lazy.

Marriage was meant to be until death due you part not until you find yourself a better deal. If this is the case, you shouldn't get married in the first place.

#1

You and only you chose your spouse.

#2

Why did you take vows that you never intended to keep in the first place?

Marriage today is viewed as a joke. Something that you pick up and throw away when you are ready. No wonder why there are no such thing as family values and morals in this society today. As much as I laughed at Dan Quayle years ago, you know what, he was right!

iliel · Dec 18, 2003

Originally posted by mrsabradford
Marriage was meant to be until death due you part not until you find yourself a better deal. If this is the case, you shouldn't get married in the first place.

#1
You and only you chose your spouse.

#2
Why did you take vows that you never intended to keep in the first place?

Marriage today is viewed as a joke. Something that you pick up and throw away when you are ready. No wonder why there are no such thing as family values and morals in this society today. As much as I laughed at Dan Quayle years ago, you know what, he was right!

I'm not sure why you keep saying "you" because this wasn't me, or do you mean you in general.

I think everyone agrees on death till we part, but do you really expect this woman to work 2 jobs so her husband can pick and choose what job is good enough. He's not keeping up with his end of the deal. It's a two way street. She put up with this for years and finally decided it was in her and her childrens best intrest for her to leave him. She has two children, with him it was like she had 3. He spent her money, she had to open a second account so he wouldn't touch it. That's not a marriage! She was also divorced for years before she met her current husband, a man who respects her and supports her and lives up to his end of the vows.

mrsabradford · Dec 18, 2003

I meant YOU in general.

She chose him.

iliel · Dec 18, 2003

Originally posted by mrsabradford
I meant YOU in general.

She chose him.

what's that suppose to mean. When they met, he worked hard, promised her she could go to school, etc. But then he reneged on his end of the deal. Do you think this is what marriage is about? False broken promises? Would you stand for that. Would you put your children in that position?

SmilingBluEyes · Dec 18, 2003

marriage IS a covenant between two people...should not be broken unless one breaks the covenant.......

but i think lying or misrepresenting onself is a breaking of that convenant, not to be taken any more lightly than the vows themselves.

I am previously divorced. THANK HEAVEN-----it made way for the RIGHT man in my life. I did not begin or end that marriage lightly; he renegged on a lot of things, faithfulness being one. But a refusal to support the family would be a serious issue, as well.

So it's up to the OP what she will put up with. but no lectures on the "til death do us part" deal----I think she is seriously wanting to work things out or else she would not bother to ask other opinoins here.

I wish you well, Parkie, hon. Only you can decide what to do next. I know it's not easy. Best wishes.

THE DRAMA KING strikes again

If he loses his job, would you