Doctors Say the Darnedest Things

  1. nurse-week-2017-
  2. We've all heard weird, wild and even ludicrous things slip out of a doctor's mouth! Provide your quote for this National Nurses Week contest and you’ll be entered to win a $250 amazon.com gift card!

    Winner will be announced May 16, 2017

    UPDATE May 19, 2017:

    The winner of the 2017 National Nurses Week Doctors Say The Darnedest Things giveaway is user Racer15 who said:
    I had a pt brought by EMS for altered mental status. ER doc is talking to the pt asking her what meds she takes. Starts listing them off and then says "and something to help with my memory, umm, it's called, umm..". Doc looks at her and says "well it's obviously not working", turns around and walks out

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    Last edit by Brian S. on May 19
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  3. 445 Comments

  4. by   ChaveRN
    "What is baby-mama? I don't know what you mean?"
  5. by   Lorilu25
    While working for a PCP who was in his early 70's we were doing a pelvic exam on a young female early 20's. The PCP always checked everyone for hemorrhoids. When he stuck his finger in her rectum she squealed and he simply said "Relax someday you will enjoy that" I thought I was going to faint.
  6. by   amycat79
    When I was a relatively new nurse I was making rounds with a doctor on the floor, he was doing discharge planning with a new hysterectomy patient and he told her "no sex" he then proceeded to turn around and look at her husband and say "I mean no sex, that's what God gave you a hand for". I seriously thought I may die right there.
  7. by   Wayljacob
    Resident: He has a red bump under this dressing (assessing 6 year old boy with a port)
    Patients dad: that's his nipple
  8. by   wasjustkilled
    "well, she's like....2 to 4 cm dilated, but I can see it's hair!"
    if you know OB you know this isn't ending well.....barely made it to a delivery room!
  9. by   JGROVERN
    Had an elderly lady with a yeast infection. Her doctor ordered " Give her what she had last time only double the dose. She has a God awful smell"
    Last edit by JGROVERN on May 3 : Reason: Spell check
  10. by   NicuGal
    Mom delivering in bed on our old
    Antepartum which wasn't connected to our L/D at the time:

    OB resident: Hurry hurry, she's delivering in bed and there is something wrong with the baby's head! It has a hole maybe an encephalocele!!!!!!"

    NNP and myself run in, take a look, look at each other, eyebrows up.

    OB: see see see, its horrible!

    NNP: That's an ass you ass, your baby is breech

    I almost peed myself lol

    Baby delivered beautifully, 34 weeks. The resident had called the attending school at
    Home to rush in. Poor guy lol
  11. by   Molliemak1A
    While reviewing my hospitalists progress note one day it seemed as if it was a usual unremarkable note on a stable patient, until I reached the last sentence. The doctor had written "It also seems as if the patients heart has exploded". He left it like that and I was at a loss for words. I went back through the patients documentation that day and realized that when the vital signs had been logged that shift, the person entering them had mistyped the heart rate and logged it as 937 instead of 93 as was on my rounding sheets. Love doctors with a sense of humor.
  12. by   darla93
    Had one of our surgeons who had just finished a consult and was in our busy nurses station. He suddenly stands up and says "You nurses are why I'm never having children! You always want something!".....and he turns around and walks away. All we could do was laugh....and laugh!!
  13. by   Dragonnurse1
    Worked nights in the ER. Patient and her partner come in and the patient has a towel over her head covering her face. Seems that a cucumber became "lodged" and required the assistance of the Doc to remove the obstruction. Upon discharge our Doc wrote, "vinegar and water douche" and followed with "No more salad sex!" I had a very difficult time keeping a straight face during discharge and her partner just burst out laughing.
  14. by   Trish724
    "Put it in the hole!"
  15. by   risashmich1
    Marisa, RN
    "oh ****!" When she was checking me while pregnant and my water broke and splashed her.

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