Best way to ask out a patient

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queenjean

951 Posts

I am very close friends with many of my former (and current!) pts, having met them through a Birth Center where I worked for many years. It's a smallish community, and if I click well with someone, why would I not continue a friendship with them? My husband's two best friends are the husbands of some of my favorite birth center clients. I taught their childbirth classes, was their nurse for many of their office visits, and was at their births; I just could tell that our families would mesh. So after a couple of months, I called them up and invited their family for dinner. Our families have be so close ever since.

I have had pts abuse this relationship with me--you do have to set clear boundaries. Friendship (or more) because of a personal attraction and very like minds is fine--NOT fine if it is purely one of you is a nurse and can help the other. Whether it is the pt who wants to have a nurse, or a nurse who enjoys having the pt dependent upon him/her. I have unfortunately twice had someone try to abuse a friendship with me because they wanted, basically, their own personal nurse (a gross simplification of the situations, but that's what it boiled down to each time). I terminated those relationships immediately. I don't mind helping my friends out when something medical comes along. I just don't want to you cultivate a friendship with me for the purpose of being able to have a nurse visit whenever you want so that you don't have to pay for a doc visit, or to try to trick me into performing a homebirth that you wanted but can't pay for ("Hey, Jean, I really don't know if I'm in labor and hate to drive all the way for a check if it's not the real thing, could you come and check me?" Then when I get there, "Actually I'm pretty sure I'm in labor, but everything feels so right, I hate the thought of driving to the birth center. Could be maybe just do it here? I trust you. I won't tell anyone." Me: "Uh, hell no. Get in the car now or I'm calling an ambulance.").

If you get the feeling she is just latching onto you because you appear strong, caring, and helpful--in other words, she's latching onto you because you are a NURSE--bad idea. If, though, you being a nurse is purely coincidental, go for it.

I personally would wait several weeks before you show up at the YMCA or Dairy Queen. Then, if you do meet her and you hook up, you've allowed time for this power balance to equal out. She's not quite so vulnerable, you aren't quite so powerful. You can then allow the relationship to go from there.

Specializes in Birth center, LDRP, L&D, PP, nursing education.

My stomach started churning the second I read the thread title. I thought, this has to be a joke, or maybe this phrase will end with something completely other than what it sounds like... because what it sounds like is unethical, an abuse of power, and completely trashes any therapeutic relationship.

I'm a 20 something. I think I'm pretty cute. I have had attractive 20 something male patients. And I acknowledge the way I feel and readjust myself to maintain a strictly professional relationship. If I were to feel something, I would request not to have him back again. I can't imagine having a patient and having my mind "go there". God Forbid, if it did "go there" i can't believe I could rationalize DATING this person.

I was in the hospital when I was 18. I flirted with the cute resident who came to assess my scar the next day. But had the guy pursued it in any meaningful way, I would have been creeped out. I was bored and lonely and hungry for any attention I could get. I didn't feel well and was scared and vulnerable. Of course I loved that the hot resident flirted back.

That doesn't mean that it wouldn't have been a gross overstepping of boundaries nor trashing his professional reputation. At the very best you could fall in love with someone that you were professionally responsible for at a very vulnerable time in their life. At the very worst, it could go badly and you could risk your professional career.

I normally don't have harsh opinions, and I don't like to tread on people's toes. But I really thought by now someone would have said DON'T! :no:

heron, ASN, RN

4,136 Posts

Specializes in Hospice.
i like the meeting after the patient/nurse relatonship is over

is it the really smart thing to do

It's not only the smart thing, it's the only thing!

I don't remember exactly who put them out or I'd give the citation, but there are ethical guidelines for those who want to pursue a personal relationship with former clients. I believe it's recommended that you wait at least 6 months before trying.

The issue isn't just approaching a client while actually caring for her. There are normal positive feelings that happen toward someone who has helped you to feel better ... the ethical issue is one of capitalizing on those normal reactions.

The time lag gives the client the opportunity to put those feelings into perspective and meet you as an equal, rather than as a dependant receiver of care.

I think the suggestion of joining the Y is a good one ... it gives the opportunity to strike up an acquaintance outside the caregiving environment ... just be exquisitely careful and GO SLOW!

If you jump into this and it goes sour, it could have real repercussions on your license. You might want to check with your BON regarding this.

Iam46yearsold

839 Posts

Specializes in ER,ICU,L+D,OR.
I am rather concerned so many people see this as romantic and cute. We are talking about engaging in actions that can potentially take advantage of our patients vulnerabilities.

I agree, distance yourself from this patient. You cease to be an effective professional caregiver once you develop personal romantic feelings for a patient.

You both are adults and are free to make adult decisions. However, expect adult consequences when you make adult decisions. This could end quite badly for both you and the said patient.

I agree here, run away from the situation. Run like the Devil is after you. This might make a cute story line on General Hospital. But that is all. Totally ill advised.

Nurse Salt

330 Posts

The more I think about this, the more torn I am... From your point of view things seem mutual in attraction, but from her point she may just see this as casual encounters with her caregiver. And you are just that, her CAREGIVER! Stepping over that caregiver boundary may not be wanted by her at all. If I mentioned to someone that I take yoga classes on Wednesday and he/she showed up there and were not a previous member, I'd be thoroughly creeped out! Sometimes, people mention things casually, not realizing how ill intentioned people can misuse that information. I do NOT think you are ill intentioned you just don't want her to read into your harmless actions as stalking... This is your license and livlihood on the line, is a cute girl worth that? I think I agree most with the person who said she knows where you work if she wants to find you...

bossfrog

44 Posts

I am rather concerned so many people see this as romantic and cute. We are talking about engaging in actions that can potentially take advantage of our patients vulnerabilities.

I agree, distance yourself from this patient. You cease to be an effective professional caregiver once you develop personal romantic feelings for a patient.

You both are adults and are free to make adult decisions. However, expect adult consequences when you make adult decisions. This could end quite badly for both you and the said patient.

First of all, I would NEVER take advantage of ANY patient in ANY way I take exception to the mere suggestion!

Second, nobody said anything about romantic feelings, only a desire to POSSIBLY get to know her better.

bossfrog

44 Posts

The more I think about this, the more torn I am... From your point of view things seem mutual in attraction, but from her point she may just see this as casual encounters with her caregiver. And you are just that, her CAREGIVER! Stepping over that caregiver boundary may not be wanted by her at all. If I mentioned to someone that I take yoga classes on Wednesday and he/she showed up there and were not a previous member, I'd be thoroughly creeped out! Sometimes, people mention things casually, not realizing how ill intentioned people can misuse that information. I do NOT think you are ill intentioned you just don't want her to read into your harmless actions as stalking... This is your license and livlihood on the line, is a cute girl worth that? I think I agree most with the person who said she knows where you work if she wants to find you...

I guess you would have to be there to understand what I'm getting at. The "cute girl" remark is a bit insulting. I'm not "Shallow Hal." That said...

Nurse Salt

330 Posts

I guess you would have to be there to understand what I'm getting at. The "cute girl" remark is a bit insulting. I'm not "Shallow Hal." That said...

Notice I said "cute" and not "hot", this is because "cute" can describe much more than just physical attraction, I think you are getting offended for no reason... My point was, she may not want your advances and pursuing her may not be worth your license. You are obviously going to do what you want, but you came here for advice.

hollyberry678

172 Posts

I am confused, in this post you say you are 24, and in a previous post, you say you are 35 and will be starting the ADN program (hopefully) Fall '08.

https://allnurses.com/forums/f198/first-timer-here-pax-rn-question-kind-222846.html

In any event, for many reasons, I don't find it appropriate to cross the caregiver boundaries, and agree with the poster that if you find yourself having 'feelings' towards a patient, who is vulnerable within the healthcare system, you should remove yourself from their care.

Batman24

1,975 Posts

Let some time pass and meet up with her in a place she mentioned. Keep it low key and see if she still seems interested. If she is then ask her out for a nice casual date and take it from there. I don't believe once patients are out of our care and on their feet again that they remain off limits forever. If she isn't interested in a romantice sense or you aren't after meeting up then you move on. That's all.

Specializes in Med Surg, Ortho.
I am confused, in this post you say you are 24, and in a previous post, you say you are 35 and will be starting the ADN program (hopefully) Fall '08.

https://allnurses.com/forums/f198/first-timer-here-pax-rn-question-kind-222846.html

In any event, for many reasons, I don't find it appropriate to cross the caregiver boundaries, and agree with the poster that if you find yourself having 'feelings' towards a patient, who is vulnerable within the healthcare system, you should remove yourself from their care.

OUCH!! Ah, oh.....looks like we have a discrepency here in your age. Good work Holly! ;)

Nurse Salt

330 Posts

I am confused, in this post you say you are 24, and in a previous post, you say you are 35 and will be starting the ADN program (hopefully) Fall '08.

https://allnurses.com/forums/f198/first-timer-here-pax-rn-question-kind-222846.html

In any event, for many reasons, I don't find it appropriate to cross the caregiver boundaries, and agree with the poster that if you find yourself having 'feelings' towards a patient, who is vulnerable within the healthcare system, you should remove yourself from their care.

:yeah: nice catch holly!!!:yeah:

bossfrog, any rebuttal?

Things just changed quite a bit... If she is 20 and you are 24, its not that unheard of; but if you are, in fact, 35 DO NOT pursue this you will be seen in a much different light... YIKES, please clarify!

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