Is attending a patient's funeral overstepping "the" boundary?

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KelRN215, BSN, RN

1 Article; 7,349 Posts

Specializes in Pedi.

For my primary patients, I always try to go to at least the wake. I usually go to the wake over the funeral because then I can actually see the family and express my condolences as opposed to sitting in the back of a church.

Meriwhen, ASN, BSN, MSN, RN

4 Articles; 7,907 Posts

Specializes in Psych ICU, addictions.

Depending on how well I knew the patient, I may go. I don't see paying my final respects to them as a boundary violation.

CT Pixie, BSN, RN

3,723 Posts

I work LTC and take care of the same people day in and day out, some for several years. While I have never attended the actual funeral service and/or burial, I have, on many occasions, gone to the wake/viewing. I don't go to every one of my residents service, but I have attended several.

I've had family members come back after their loved ones passing (but before the wake) to give me the details of the wake (time, date, place etc) and told me they would love to see me there but for me not to feel obligated.

The one that impacted me the most was my sweet lady who suddenly passed as I was talking with her. At the wake, the daughter gave me a huge hug, thanked me for taking such good care of her mom and then called everyone's attention to us. She stated "This is Nurse Pixie, one of the best nurses and human beings I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. Pixie took care of Mom for the last two years. Pixie was the first nurse my mom laid eyes on when she entered the home and the last person she ever laid eyes on, on this Earth. Pixie, if it wasn't my eyes my mom gazed into as she crossed from this life to her Eternal life, I am ever so thankful it was your beautiful, caring, loving eyes that were the ones she gazed into during her last minutes on Earth" Oh my! I teared up. I was thankful that she was so happy with the care that I gave her Mom and that it met and exceeded her expectations. And it reminded me why I do what I do.

I think, if your heart tells you to go..you should go. If I were the patients family member I would be happy to see the nurses b/c it says that my family member made an impact on that person. Which I think everyone wants to know, that their loved one made an impression on others.

Patti_RN

353 Posts

Specializes in ..

I agree with the comments of those here who do attend funerals. The family is usually grateful that someone cares, and they are not alone in their grief. The saddest funerals I've ever attended are those with few friends or relatives present.

It's not crossing a line for a nurse to attend a funeral any more than it is for a teacher, store clerk, or bank teller attend a person's wake or funeral. These are 'professional' relationships, too. Many of our most important interactions are with those we see frequently, but maybe casually.

I have seen death notices that clearly state, 'private service', which means the family would rather grieve privately; in this case it's a mistake for anyone to show up without specific invitation. People do have different ways of grieving and this may be the way a family gets through their loss. But, without a message that the funeral or wake is private, most people find comfort knowing their loved one was loved and respected by others. By all means go; it's likely your presence will be appreciated by the family and that it will give you closure and an opportunity to say goodbye, as well.

KelRN215, BSN, RN

1 Article; 7,349 Posts

Specializes in Pedi.
I work LTC and take care of the same people day in and day out, some for several years. While I have never attended the actual funeral service and/or burial, I have, on many occasions, gone to the wake/viewing. I don't go to every one of my residents service, but I have attended several.

I've had family members come back after their loved ones passing (but before the wake) to give me the details of the wake (time, date, place etc) and told me they would love to see me there but for me not to feel obligated.

The one that impacted me the most was my sweet lady who suddenly passed as I was talking with her. At the wake, the daughter gave me a huge hug, thanked me for taking such good care of her mom and then called everyone's attention to us. She stated "This is Nurse Pixie, one of the best nurses and human beings I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. Pixie took care of Mom for the last two years. Pixie was the first nurse my mom laid eyes on when she entered the home and the last person she ever laid eyes on, on this Earth. Pixie, if it wasn't my eyes my mom gazed into as she crossed from this life to her Eternal life, I am ever so thankful it was your beautiful, caring, loving eyes that were the ones she gazed into during her last minutes on Earth" Oh my! I teared up. I was thankful that she was so happy with the care that I gave her Mom and that it met and exceeded her expectations. And it reminded me why I do what I do.

I think, if your heart tells you to go..you should go. If I were the patients family member I would be happy to see the nurses b/c it says that my family member made an impact on that person. Which I think everyone wants to know, that their loved one made an impression on others.

That's a great story. I think it's a wonderful thing to be able to be there at the beginning and at the end.

My last patient who passed away was one of my primary patients (and one of my favorites)... I admitted her from the ICU after her first surgery and went down to see her there about 2 hours before she passed. I went to her wake with her other primary nurse, who had been the one to admit her from the ER the night she was diagnosed and her primary night nurse. Her family had been holding it together relatively well from what we could see (the line had been 2 1/2 hrs long) and as soon as they saw us, they said, "it's the family" and fell apart. Her mom looked at my colleague and said, "you were there on the first day" and then she looked at me and said, "and you were there on the last."

allnurses Guide

Spidey's mom, ADN, BSN, RN

11,304 Posts

As a hospice nurse, I've attended some of my patients funerals. Sometimes I can't go - but usually we try to have at least one representative from our team attend.

We always send a card, signed by the entire team.

So, I'm not sure about the controversy surrounding the EMT/Paramedics . . . . . and them being asked not to attend. But maybe call the alderman and ask if it would be ok for you to attend.

I went to a funeral of a man that I took care of for around 7 months. The family was happy to see me. We are human and we get close to people. Like beckyboo1 said, don't go to all of them; but if one was really close, I am sure the family would appreciate it.

boushie87

77 Posts

It's sad but I look for my patient I had in LTC (I am a student) in the paper at times so I can attend the wake at least. I think it's a sign of respect and support and I would imagine during my career, depending on where I end up, that I would attend the wakes of some of my patients as well.

Flare, ASN, BSN

4,431 Posts

Specializes in school nursing, ortho, trauma.

if i have the choice, i'd rather make a brief appearance at a wake than attend the full funeral service. To me that is just the right amount of professional distance.

SHGR, MSN, RN, CNS

1 Article; 1,406 Posts

Specializes in nursing education.
When my mother died (after being on hospice much longer than expected) we thought at least one of the hospice nurses would come to the funeral. We had grown quite attached to them. Not one of them came. No card, or even "I'm sorry" from them. The only time we saw them was when they came to the house and cleared out the things belonging to hospice. We were quite hurt actually.

If you feel in your heart you should go, then by all means go!!

One of my elderly relatives died in a nursing home that has a chapel in it, and that is where they held her funeral. My parents were very disappointed that none of the staff came by as she had lived there for years. I know they are all busy, but I was a little surprised that they didn't even send someone from admin.

That said, I have gone to a few patient funerals. If you feel that it would mean something to the family, by all means, at least drop by the visitation.

Patti_RN

353 Posts

Specializes in ..

Stargazer and Hey-suz, I'm sorry you both had this experience. I can only guess it was their agency's policy, rather than the decision (or lack of caring) of the nurses. I'm sure they wanted to be there and would have if they were permitted.

Long Term Care Columnist / Guide

VivaLasViejas, ASN, RN

22 Articles; 9,987 Posts

Specializes in LTC, assisted living, med-surg, psych.

I've attended maybe a dozen patient funerals in my career, and not once did an employer frown on it. In fact, most of the time they were there too. :-). There are just some patients who profoundly impact us, and I think this is a good way to honor their contributions to our lives.

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