any comment? - page 6

Hello, I have finally decided to join this forum for maybe somebody somewhere is in the same situation I am in right now, and maybe that very person could advise me on what I can possibly do. I have... Read More

  1. by   GardenDove
    Quote from wildmountainchild
    If you've been married for 10 years you are entitled to HALF, half the house, half the car, half the savings, and half the income....for the forseeable future.

    Find a good divorce lawyer....once you tell them your situation I'm sure they will wait for payment until you are a bit more secure.....or until hubby can pay, which any court in thier right mind would make him.

    Start making la list and documenting all the crap he says and does to you. Start recording conversations.

    Leave the idiot.
    I agree, but I think the OP is wise to go about it intelligently. You give good advise. Also, OP, erase the fact that you visited this site from your computer so you husband doesn't find out you are getting guidence contrary to his sceme to keep you powerless and weak.

    You husband is deliberatly undermining your efforts towards economic freedonm. He's an insecure control freak.
  2. by   lauralassie
    Quote from caroladybelle
    Please tell me that you are kidding!!

    First, no reputable or ethical travel group, or assignment will take you without at least one year of solid experience. That means work full schedules, not calling off because of child care issues, etc.

    Quite bluntly, one really needs more to travel, but that is the MINIMUM requirement. And while agencies will take apps from people with less, most facilities will not accept you for assignments unless they are truly the pits, and cannot get anyone else. These are not safe places for your license.

    Second, if anything travel nursing requires the nurse to be MORE flexible and MORE reliable, adhering to the rules and the schedule more stringently than the regular staffer.






    Think about it. Travelers are there to fill a hole in the schedule. There are holes in the schedule generally because those positions are the hardest, the most annoying and the most difficult to fill by regular staff. You often get the worst shifts, and rarely get a regular shift - those go (rightfully) to regular staff.

    Do you think if the OP cannot get her hospital (that has a vested interest in her and her success) to amend a schedule for her, what are the chances of a nonvested facility wanting to give a temp nurse a preferred set of hours?

    Yes, travel groups are desperate for nurses....nurses that do not have problems working any schedule, that are very experienced in their speciality, that have few encumberances. We are frequently obligated to work 44- 48 hours or more a week. And we are generally not given leeway on calling off scheduled shifts - more than one or two and our assignment is cancelled, leaving us having to exit our housing in 24-48 hours, and find our way home, sometimes being billed for the cancellation.

    Travelling would not be a good fit for the OP at this time. She also needs more emotional and social support than would be available to a traveler.


    Obviously you have worked for crappy agencies . Others of us have had good choices with them. Yes , they fill holes but for instance, our ER is using travel nurses now. One nurse is a fairly new grad and she is doing well. The holes they have filled are there just to replace nurses that have left. That way our numbers are just where they should be. When I worked as a travel nurse I went through an agencie that helped me find the right job for me at the time. I could choose the days and shifts I wanted to work. The job was only 45 min away from home, so I got the housing bonus to keep since I didn't need it. I didn't need to call off due to child care issues because I could choose the days I worked. It never hurts to look at all of the options . If the agencies are poor where she is she doesn't have to choose them. It's just an idea. So, to sum it up, maybe you havn't done the reasearch needed to make a good choice. Maybe she will be better at it.
    Last edit by lauralassie on Feb 17, '07
  3. by   nicolel1182
    Houston is a pretty big city - you can work in a ltc facility or home health care. There are plently of oppurtunities to work other than in a hospital
  4. by   caroladybelle
    Quote from lauralassie
    Obviously you have worked for crappy agencies . Others of us have had good choices with them. Yes , they fill holes but for instance, our ER is using travel nurses now. One nurse is a fairly new grad and she is doing well. The holes they have filled are there just to replace nurses that have left. That way our numbers are just where they should be. When I worked as a travel nurse I went through an agencie that helped me find the right job for me at the time. I could choose the days and shifts I wanted to work. The job was only 45 min away from home, so I got the housing bonus to keep since I didn't need it. I didn't need to call off due to child care issues because I could choose the days I worked. It never hurts to look at all of the options . If the agencies are poor where she is she doesn't have to choose them. It's just an idea. So, to sum it up, maybe you havn't done the reasearch needed to make a good choice. Maybe she will be better at it.

    Actually, I have worked for very good ones.

    It doesn't change the fact that every unit (and in about every type of work place - not just nursing) there are a few pit vipers among the supportive staff. And if one goes into a travel assignment without adequate experience, one will be a target.

    I am currently at a site that is considered "preferred" and will not be renewing. While the staff is pleasant enough, the "support staff" are an utter nightmare. The only travelers that have survived have at least 5 years of experience. I have seen quite a few people crash and burn because they did not have supportive family nearby, or did not have the experience to deal with the problems thrown at them by support staff.

    It does not matter that the staff is nice...one still must have strong skills to survive. And those strong skills must be developed before traveling.

    Travelers are expensive -one gets substantially less orientation and expected to work as hard or harder than staff.

    Large numbers of hospitals are now refusing to hire travelers that have a legal residence within 75-100 miles. Of course some get around that. But that limits working near to home - if you declare your home. It also makes getting reliable childcare.

    I have worked in 16 places, and 4 in the top hospitals nationwide. And I have seen plenty of good travelers crash and burn, because of the hidden pit vipers in staff/support. No matter how nice the staff is, there will be more than a few PVs there. I will be going back soon to work at a facility that is consistantly rated one of the top in this nation. They also have the worst pharmacy and some of the rudest support staff I have dealt with (ahhh, unions). But you know what, I'm experienced..I have friends and family nearby, and I can cope with the roadblocks that those staff present. But I would never recommend for a new traveler with little experience work there - I've seen a few too many crash and had to help pick up the pieces of some very nice people.

    I also asked a question that no one has answered. How many travel positions have you seen for a traveler to work 0800-1500 and train, and how would the staff react, knowing that someone is getting traveler pay, a preferred set of hours like 0800-1500, and has not even gotten the requisite experince? Even while, senior staffers are having to work nights in rotate for lower pay.

    Have you even seen that offered? And if someone "needed" those hours permanently or for say, at least 6 monthes, how amenable would you be to extending your night shift til 0830, or returning at 1430, or both for several days in a row, for monthes on end. How many staffers would work 0630 - 0830 and/or 1430-1930? Especially if they have children and spouses too, that they have made arrangements for?

    Good home health agencies also require some experince, as the nurse must be fairly independant. They also involve paperwork that is ofen carried home and will further annoy the OPs spouse. Office nurses generally must work set hours, or if working office infusion, have to have a proven track record of IV skills, which the OP has not been able to obtain.

    Can we please now focus on the OPs problem and find actual workable solutions to her very frightening dilemma?

    There has been a lot of discussion of divorce and/or separation. As the OP has stated (I believe) that she has not been in this country all of her life, and came here shortly before marriage. There are also some indications that this might have been an arranged union, and/or one that crossed national borders. Thus the OP has additional reasons for not having supportive family or friends nearby, and perhaps having psychosocial issues with divorce as well some legal ones. There may be some citizenship issues also.

    I would like to say to the OP, are there any classmates or people of your own background/spiritual upbringing to reach out? Perhaps, you are embarassed about trying to do so, but you need to try. Your husband's behavior is something that can be harmful to your children and after ten years, will probably not improve. Is your citizenship/passport clear and where you can verify? Or do you wish to return with your children to your homeland?

    There are other women that come to this country and marry men that are not kind to them - and some have started organizations to help others with these issues- would contacting these be helpful to you. They might be able to help you sort through theissues unique to your situation.

    I am more worried about your home situation and safety than working at this time. And I hold you in my prayers.
    Last edit by caroladybelle on Feb 18, '07
  5. by   unwanted RN
    Actually I don't have any legal issues, I ma a permanent resident, and my marriage was not arranged. I came here at my own will and it just didn't work out. The shift schedule that I am able to do is not 8am to 3pm, but 7pm to 7am on Fridays and Saturdays. I am only concerned about the training which seems to be a little off balance in terms of being able to planyour day. The training is only for about 6 weeks and I figured I can do it over the summer when my kids are not in school. After the training I am able to work normal shifts only part time. I can hire a babysitter to stay with my kids while I am asleep during the day. She cannot drive , but it is better than nothing . As for the issues I have with my husband, I know I need to leave, but I am not in an imminent danger, and I have to do the separation with a working brain not a working heart. A lot of women had been killed or badly hurt trying to leave or found themselves homeless. All of these emails have been extremely empowering and I guess I needed that to help me think. I never imagined so many people actually taking their time to respond. It is nice to know somebody actually cares. I don't know if I had mentioned it , but I really don't have a single soul I can depend on nor do I have a friend because when I tried to make friends with my classmates my husband checked my cellphone or email and emailed them back and insulted them so, that was it. I think people don't feel comfortable around me because of the issues I have. That is why I was so surprised to see how many people actually cared to espond. I think I will be able to get help at my kids school, but it might take a while because it is a new school for us. But I wanted to thank everybody for responding and trying to help.
  6. by   nurse4theplanet
    Good luck to you!
  7. by   GingerSue
    hopefully there will be helpful ideas through the school

    can you get acquainted with other people at the hospital who do shift work and might be able to help you (bulletin board?), local child care agencies
  8. by   NurseLatteDNP
    Do you feel safe leaving the children with him when you do start working?
  9. by   Franksters
    I hope you get this resolved. As a clinical nurse manager, I cannot change/create shifts for anyone. We are all held accountable to the same standards. We all have issues. We need to learn how to deal with them effectively. Sounds like you have a decision to make. Do you want to be a nurse? Or are you willing to postpone your career until the kids are self sufficient.
  10. by   bagladyrn
    Quote from unwanted RN
    Actually I don't have any legal issues, I ma a permanent resident, and my marriage was not arranged. I came here at my own will and it just didn't work out. The shift schedule that I am able to do is not 8am to 3pm, but 7pm to 7am on Fridays and Saturdays. I am only concerned about the training which seems to be a little off balance in terms of being able to planyour day. The training is only for about 6 weeks and I figured I can do it over the summer when my kids are not in school. After the training I am able to work normal shifts only part time. I can hire a babysitter to stay with my kids while I am asleep during the day. She cannot drive , but it is better than nothing . As for the issues I have with my husband, I know I need to leave, but I am not in an imminent danger, and I have to do the separation with a working brain not a working heart. A lot of women had been killed or badly hurt trying to leave or found themselves homeless. All of these emails have been extremely empowering and I guess I needed that to help me think. I never imagined so many people actually taking their time to respond. It is nice to know somebody actually cares. I don't know if I had mentioned it , but I really don't have a single soul I can depend on nor do I have a friend because when I tried to make friends with my classmates my husband checked my cellphone or email and emailed them back and insulted them so, that was it. I think people don't feel comfortable around me because of the issues I have. That is why I was so surprised to see how many people actually cared to espond. I think I will be able to get help at my kids school, but it might take a while because it is a new school for us. But I wanted to thank everybody for responding and trying to help.
    As someone else said - please be sure your husband cannot track your internet use - this thread could be a real trigger and endanger you. I'm not computer savvy, but am sure someone here could tell you how to protect that information.
    I agree totally with Carolladybelle that travel nursing is not a good option, but when the time comes that you are ready to make a move you may want to look at some of the hospitals that offer a good relocation bonus to new staff nurses. Some of the larger facilities may even have onsite child care or may be able to refer you to someone for help with that. Just something to keep in mind - you may want to look for a completely new area if you decide to make the break.
    Stay safe and let us know that you are okay.
  11. by   kb12345
    Hi,

    Sorry about the issues your having...It will get better i'm sure. Ever thought about before school/after school programs? They usually take the kids at about 7am and then they keep them until like 5pm? or a part time nanny to drop the kids off, fully dressed, lunches packed ready to rock? Maybe drop them off at 6:30 so you can make it to work then pick them up as soon as you get out? She can walk then to school and pick them up if it's within walking distance. A neighbor who doesn't work looking for alittle extra money might be willing to do this, or even a college student with a late morning class, a car, and the need for some extra cash. Not much, like $50.00 a week ($10.00 daily) I would "kill" my husband if he acted that way, but your situation is unique to you. Alot of this may be your husbands way of making sure you always "need" him. I swear some men are so afraid of their wives having their own lives and careers and becoming independent. Of course your career is just as important as your husbands and if you allow him to get away with this then he will and you will never have what you really want and will regret it later and after being married nealy 16 years, I can tell you that unseated regret can and will ruin a relationship, especially when there is blame placed. Either stand up and "force" him to help or swallow it and find another workable way. What about asking one of the mom's your kids go to school with that don't live too far away? You would be surprised who would say yes...I would if I lived in TX and new your family and ya'll were nice and law abiding. Think about it.....Dropping the kids off 1/2 hour before school all ready to go wouldn't be a big deal for a mom who is already up getting her own house in order. Just some suggestions, let me know how you make out...GOOD LUCK!!!!

    APRN
  12. by   ben123
    YOU need to stop worrying about working and get away from your husband. You said he gets physical with you on your post on #21. You should not be with any person who physically abuses you. GET OUT OR WAIT UNTIL HE STARTS HURTING THE CHILDREN.
    Last edit by ben123 on Feb 19, '07
  13. by   kb12345
    Hi Angie,

    I'll try not to flame you but get real...does it really matter if her husband thinks she should work or not? Or more what she feels would fulfill her and make her happy? And his lack of support of that? She has a right to pursue her dreams just as her husband did when he opened his business and she supported him. Is it too much for her to ask that he return the favor? I don't think so. Women all over the country work and still care for their families too...I do. I have 6 children and a wonderful, "helping" husband. I am an NP and work in an out patient psych facility. On average, I work 80 hours a week between on call, in the hospitals overnight doing admit paperwork, and the daytime at the facility itself. We have family evening every Friday, we eat together every night and even if we can't for some unknown emergency, I still cook every night and they eat together in my absence. My husband and I both help the kids with their homework, etc...So see, it can be done,because I'm doing it...Like the woman whose husband is in the military said, "where there's a will, there's a way"

    Listen, I can certainly understanding compromising what you want to do to meet everyone's needs, but not for the sake of pacifying her husband who in my mind is totally wrong!! Because you know what...when it's all said and done, he has exactly what he wants, what about her?

    APRN....

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