any comment? - page 5

Hello, I have finally decided to join this forum for maybe somebody somewhere is in the same situation I am in right now, and maybe that very person could advise me on what I can possibly do. I have... Read More

  1. by   Cattitude
    wanted rn,
    [color=#483d8b]
    [color=#483d8b]please be careful when making all your plans ok? make sure you leave nothing around that your husband can find, make sure he does not know your password to the computer as well.
    [color=#483d8b]
    [color=#483d8b]this is an abusive relationship, unfortunately one of the danger times can be when the abusee leaves. just be very cautious. trust very few, don't leave a trail. i know i sound paranoid but i had a friend who is no longer here due to the hands of her abuser.
    [color=#483d8b]
    [color=#483d8b]you sound like a courageous,smart, wonderful, kind woman . please keep us updated on your situation with life, kids, the job, etc.
    [color=#483d8b]
    [color=#483d8b]good luck and stay strong!!!!
  2. by   SitcomNurse
    This is a great opportunity for a college student to earn extra $$.
    Call your local university and speak to the educations dept. ask them if you can post it somewhere, or if they know someone that is in need of this type of arrangement. You can also post in any local church bulletin. You dont have to be a member of the church to post on a bulletin.
    Also, last idea, our town has a YES agency (Youth Services) that offers kids great opportunities just like this one, maybe you have something like that where you live.
    Many a sucessful woman has maneuvered around their husband to become that way, and when you suceed, your husb. will either support you or continue being self-employed in every measure of that term.


    Good luck!!


    :smilecoffeecup: :smilecoffeecup: :smilecoffeecup: :smilecoffeeIlovecof
    Last edit by SitcomNurse on Feb 17, '07 : Reason: my whole post disappeared!!!
  3. by   NurseJeanB
    Hello, sorry to hear of your frustrating situation. Maybe instead of a sitter, you can find another parent whose children go to the same school and is willing to set up a car pool. We have neighbors whose kids all go to the same school and it seems like such a waste for us all to drive our kids separately. Although to be honest that is just what we end up doing most of the time. We have only on the odd occasion called up and asked if our son could catch a ride, but each time we asked it was no problem.
  4. by   nurse4theplanet
    Where is your household income coming from right now? Who is in control of the money? (I am guessing the answer to both questions is your husband)

    Do you have ANY relatives in the States? Are there any friends/aquaintances you made throughout nursing school that could help you? Are you a member of a church or community group that may be able to provide assistance?

    I am asking all these questions because based on each of your posts, I agree with the other posters. You are in an abusive and controlling situation with your husband. It amazes me that he even allowed you to attend nursing school because it seems that he is trying to control you physically, financially, and emotionally both directly and indirectly.

    I realize that you have been in this marriage for quite some time and that you have learned to cope with his faults. You may even feel like you can control his outbursts by changing YOUR behavoir. However, one fact remains: this dynamic is destroying you and your children whether you want to admit it or not. It sounds like you are in denial. You said yourself that you would leave him but you are afraid to be on your own. That is rationalization of why you CHOOSE to stay...and yes, it is a choice.

    You need to GET OUT immediately and take your children with you! Lot's of good advice was given already regarding the 'how' and I am giving you the 'why'....your children deserve better! Your children deserve their mom, not the shell of a woman your husband has created...the bright, vibrant and strong willed woman that moved to a foreign country, taught herself english, and conquered nursing school. THAT woman should have no problem living life on her own. Your children also deserve to be in an environment where they are not learning that is okay for men to abuse women. I know you don't want this cycle of abuse to continue in their lives. And finally and most important...you may be taking the brunt of his abuse, but what happens if he turns on your children. There is no guarantee that he will not. Like you said, your highest priority is your children...so do this for them.
  5. by   LeahJet
    Quote from TazziRN
    Whoa! Down, girl, and cap those fangs!!! I have never traveled but I work for a hospital that at one time relied heavily on travelers. We are not "the pits" and we did not give them the crappy shifts. We treated our travelers so well that a large handful of them have not only extended their contracts or come back later for repeat contracts, they have even signed on as "real" staff. I do not claim that all places are like ours, but all places are not the way you described, either.
    Tazzi, I very much agree with you.
    I traveled for a couple of years and found that the facilities I worked in were GREAT. The staff was very nice and my assignments were no different than theirs.

    To Wanted RN, I am going to have to just be blunt.
    Do what ever you have to do to leave that jerk.
    You have the means to give your children a good life financially. And I am sorry if this sounds too harsh, but it is your responsibility to get them out of that situation. YOU will be responsible for their emotional and personality scarring if you choose to stay.
    Last edit by LeahJet on Feb 17, '07
  6. by   PANurseRN1
    Quote from TazziRN
    Whoa! Down, girl, and cap those fangs!!! I have never traveled but I work for a hospital that at one time relied heavily on travelers. We are not "the pits" and we did not give them the crappy shifts. We treated our travelers so well that a large handful of them have not only extended their contracts or come back later for repeat contracts, they have even signed on as "real" staff. I do not claim that all places are like ours, but all places are not the way you described, either.
    There were no fangs in her statement. Travel nurse positions are no place for a new nurse, let alone one who has so many personal problems.

    I know for a fact that carol has been a traveler for years, so she has seen the good, the bad and the ugly. There's a lot of ugly out there.
  7. by   vamedic4
    Quote from unwanted RN
    I wanted to thank everybody who didn't mind reading such a long story, I was overwhelmed. I did talk to my husband about hiring somebody to drive our kids to school, but he categorically rejected because of the horrific traffic in the morning here in Houston, and also lots of construction and closures along the way. The school is about 12 miles from our house, but to get there takes quite a skill. I wish I had some relatives here or friends to depend on, but neither I nor my husband do. So, we depend on each other. It doesn't look like I will be able to work as a nurse until my children grow up and are more independent. I came to this country 11 years ago and have been married for 10 years. My husband is 52 and I am 35, during those 10 years it has been nothing but a struggle to make him realize that I am a valuable member of this family just to awarded with nasty words and sometimes rough physical treatment in return. I still don't have the freedom to decide what I want for my self and many times even for my children. I had to learn english on my own and pass a battery of tests to get to the university. My husband was not supportive at all and made it an absolute nightmare for me and the kids. I would never drop school because that was the only way toward my independence. Now I have my degree, but can't work because I cannot get help. I miss being a nurse because I always wanted to be a nurse ever since I took care of my ill grandma as child. In school I planned on working part time nights, but had no idea the training would be such an arduous task , nobody ever mentioned it. I think the only thing I can do right now is to find a teaching position in my kid's school, and return to nursing after my kids become independent. Hopefully, my husband will not sabotage it as he has done many times in the past when I tried to make some income or even new friends. With no income, no savings, no skills, and no person to depend on it is hard for me to leave him. He makes very good money from his business and my children, who mean the world to me, can get everything they need for success. I just have to weather the storm and hope for the best.
    UnwantedRN...thank you for sharing your heartbreaking story with us. I hope some of the others on this board have provided useful suggestions to you. I agree with others, you can, as a nurse, provide a very good living for yourself and your children. Now you've just got to figure out a way best to do it, and do it by yourself.

    As a male on this board I'm in the huge minority, but I agree with the ladies who say that you are in a bad situation, and that you need to get out. I'm so very sorry for all that you have been subjected to, there's no excuse for it.
    I hope things improve for you soon.

    vamedic4
  8. by   blueheaven
    Quote from unwanted RN
    Hello, I have finally decided to join this forum for maybe somebody somewhere is in the same situation I am in right now, and maybe that very person could advise me on what I can possibly do. I have graduated with BSN last year in May and ever since I have stayed home taking care of my children unable to work. My problem is that I am doing all the parenting myself because my husband has started his business and somehow thinks it is below him to help me at least take the children to school in the morning, even though he leaves home around 10:30 am to his office! as a result I am unable to begin any training or internships which are available only in hospitals and are all day. The internships include classes, certifications, and of course rotating shifts which are 7 am to 7 pm for about 2 months. There is absolutely no way I can do this because I have to take the kids to school in teh morning and pick them up 3:30. I told the hospitals that I can train between 8am and 3:30pm to learn skills and see how the shifts work, and work full 12 hour shifts on weekends nights, but they say I had to experience the shift changes at 7 am and 7 pm. So, my inability to complete the internship lies in not being able to attend the shift changes. During my school practicum I have done about 200 or more shift changes and I am very familiar with them it is not a new concept so, I cannot understand why all teh hospitals are so adamant about the shift change? I am more concern about learning my skills that might be new to me. At this point I am so frustrated because not a single hospital in Houston has enough sense to offer me some flexibility . I have an active license and offering enough time to train, but I cannot because of some inconvenient standards . Unwanted RN whose license is rotting away.
    You cannot expect hospitals to work around your schedule. How about an outpatient clinic or doctors office. There are some other options out there. How did you work things out while you were in school?? Did your husband help? I bet not from the way it sounds. I noticed that you said that "My problem is that I am doing all the parenting myself because my husband has started his business and somehow thinks it is below him to help me at least take the children to school in the morning, even though he leaves home around 10:30 am to his office! "
    I could never depend on my ex-husband for anything when it came to the kids. I got a baby-sitter who was wonderful and took care of my girls even when I worked midnights. Took me 11 years to wake up and smell the coffee that my ex wasn't going to change and got a divorce. We can give you ideas out the wazoo but you have to be the one to take the initiative.
  9. by   caroladybelle
    Quote from TazziRN
    Whoa! Down, girl, and cap those fangs!!! I have never traveled but I work for a hospital that at one time relied heavily on travelers. We are not "the pits" and we did not give them the crappy shifts. We treated our travelers so well that a large handful of them have not only extended their contracts or come back later for repeat contracts, they have even signed on as "real" staff. I do not claim that all places are like ours, but all places are not the way you described, either.
    Please note that "the pits" comment refers to facilities/companies that take travelers with inadequate EXPERIENCE.

    The other point is that the OP is looking for a position around shift hours such as 0800 - 1500. How many positions like that do you have on YOUR floor, that would go to a traveler/temp/agency person?

    Probably few to none.

    The OP go try to travel and if she calls off once or twice, no matter the reason, she might end up losing money in the deal. She will also not get the same support that she would as a staffer.

    And right now she needs all the support that she can get, especially at work.

    People have this idea that somehow that traveling is easy, pays well, and that we don't have the same obligations/stressors that others do. Sometimes, quite frankly it requires more. And most of us that have been RNs over 5-10 years (unless we strike break) could do as well or better as staff, with greater staff support. It is not a place for someone that cannot get through an internship and would not be safe for her and license until she has more experience. And the OP needs a safer environment.
  10. by   TazziRN
    I am not knocking travelers at all, and I totally agree that the OP cannot think of traveling at this point, but the post I responded to seemed to be full of negative things about places that need travelers. There was no differentiation between "good" and "bad" places to travel to.
  11. by   MedSurgeNewbie
    I have had good luck with getting sitters from a local college, early child-majors when my kids were younger - Now any student would like a job that fits there schedule, moring shift then afternoons especially if your kids are older and they are more supervisory in nature, this is a tough spot for you - Best of luck!! Hopefully Hubby will come around soon,
  12. by   burn out
    You have found yourself in a positin that many of us have had to deal with and rearange our lives over...the hospitals never had any mercy on us and I doubt if they will make an exception for you. I would do two things. One, find a daycare or babysitter that will take the kids before you go to work and keep them until you are done with the shift--you evidently can not count on your husband and he seems to show no interest in helping...send him the bill. Second, I would get a divorce-he evidently doesn't seem interested in raising his children or what you want for your life. P.S. Some say I am bitter though.
  13. by   wildmountainchild
    If you've been married for 10 years you are entitled to HALF, half the house, half the car, half the savings, and half the income....for the forseeable future.

    Find a good divorce lawyer....once you tell them your situation I'm sure they will wait for payment until you are a bit more secure.....or until hubby can pay, which any court in thier right mind would make him.

    Start making la list and documenting all the crap he says and does to you. Start recording conversations.

    Leave the idiot.

close