Adoption - page 3

by fergus51 2,718 Views | 29 Comments

After reading another post I saw someone write they only wanted to have their "own" child. I am NOT trying to jump on this person, but as an adoptee and a LD nurse it got me thinking. I have seen fourteen year old drug... Read More


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    a family is people and a family is love
    that's a family
    they come in all different sizes and different kinds
    and mine's just right for me!
    -barney (the dinosaur)

    (i got to get out more)
    :chuckle
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    My older brother was adopted as a newborn, after my parents had tried to concieve for five years with no success. Three years later, there I was! It's a phenomenom with quite a few adoptive families who struggled with infertility. Some say it's because there is no longer any stress to start a family, so the woman's body is more relaxed and eager to concieve. Others say that when you give a home to a child that needs one, God gives you one of your own. Either way, my brother and I have never been treated any different. He's been with my parents longer than I have, and has never shown any interest in finding his birth parents. His mother must have had a reason to give him up, and he probably understands that. He's had a really great life and we have a wonderful family. He's married now, with a baby boy that looks EXACTLY like him. It's unspoken, but we're all thrilled about that, because it's the first time he's ever been able to look at someone and see himself in them. We forget all the time about the adoption. We'll be talking about the baby and say, "Oh, he probably got that from Grandma's side..." and then we'll remember that he's not genetically related to us. :imbar

    I loved fergus's saying about how giving a child up is more like giving the child a family. I couldn't agree more. People who adopt want to be parents so badly that they're willing to take other people's children into their homes. They go through paperwork and lawyers and money, often for YEARS, just to get the priviledge of being entrusted with a child to care for.

    I work in a NICU, and when we send home babies with adoptive parents, I always feel very happy for that baby. I know that the child is going home with people who really want him, who are just shaking with excitement when they come to take him home. I can't say that for a lot of other kids I send home, some of whom I fear for their lives when we send them out the door with unfit parents. There's nothing wrong with giving up "your" child if it means you're giving him a better life!
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    "That's why i'd never do in-vitro or surrogacy(sp). It would bother me to go to such lengths for me to go oiut and have a baby, when there's so many out there without a family."

    Marie,

    Imagine this scenario:

    You are happily married. After a few years, you and your husband decide to start a family. You get rid of all birth control methods. You assume you will get pregnant sooner or later. After all, getting pregnant and giving birth is what a woman's body is set up to do.

    Then one month, you find our you are pregnant- YEAH! A few weeks later you start to bleed. You go for an ultrasound and their is no embryo in the uterus. It turns out to be an ectopic pregnancy. One of your fallopian tubes is removed. The doctor says that the other tube looks ok. So we can continue trying. A few months later, you have another ectopic pregnancy. Your other tube is removed. Their is shock and disbelief. How could this be happening to me? Are we thinking of adoption now? Absolutely not!

    It is now when you are faced with the reality that you can NEVER have a baby naturally. The only chance is through IVF. All you have ever wanted was a chance to have a baby created between you and your husband. You also want to experience pregnancy (at least once). You go for IVF (at least once).

    Thankfully, at the time, we had insurance for IVF (which is extremely rare). I was one of the fortunate ones who got pregnant on my first try. I thank god every day for my son. He is a gift from god. I know he is happy to be alive. He is certainly grateful that mommy & daddy went through such lengths to have him. I feel very fortunate that in this day and age, IVF is available for those who can't have baby's on their own.

    Now, for baby # 2, we are looking into adoption. We do not have IVF insurance. We do not want to gamble with our money to try to get pregnant again. What if it didn't work? Then you are looking at at least $15k down the tube. Adoptin is certainly more of a guarantee to get a baby than with IVF.

    I respectfully disagree with you that "their are so many baby's out their without a family." If so, where are they? If that was the case, then most couple's would not be waiting at least a year or more to adopt a healthy newborn. Oh and by the way, do you have $15K-$50K to give to me to adopt? We are going to have to scrimp and save every single penny we make this year.

    On a final note, do you know what it is like to be infertile? Do you know the pain and anguish that couple's go through trying to conceive? It is a nightmare to say the least.

    I respect a couple's right to choose IVF or adoption..either way, I pray that the end result is a baby to start their family.

    Jules
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    Quote from JUSTYSMOM
    "That's why i'd never do in-vitro or surrogacy(sp). It would bother me to go to such lengths for me to go oiut and have a baby, when there's so many out there without a family."

    Marie,

    Imagine this scenario:

    You are happily married. After a few years, you and your husband decide to start a family. You get rid of all birth control methods. You assume you will get pregnant sooner or later. After all, getting pregnant and giving birth is what a woman's body is set up to do.

    Then one month, you find our you are pregnant- YEAH! A few weeks later you start to bleed. You go for an ultrasound and their is no embryo in the uterus. It turns out to be an ectopic pregnancy. One of your fallopian tubes is removed. The doctor says that the other tube looks ok. So we can continue trying. A few months later, you have another ectopic pregnancy. Your other tube is removed. Their is shock and disbelief. How could this be happening to me? Are we thinking of adoption now? Absolutely not!

    It is now when you are faced with the reality that you can NEVER have a baby naturally. The only chance is through IVF. All you have ever wanted was a chance to have a baby created between you and your husband. You also want to experience pregnancy (at least once). You go for IVF (at least once).

    Thankfully, at the time, we had insurance for IVF (which is extremely rare). I was one of the fortunate ones who got pregnant on my first try. I thank god every day for my son. He is a gift from god. I know he is happy to be alive. He is certainly grateful that mommy & daddy went through such lengths to have him. I feel very fortunate that in this day and age, IVF is available for those who can't have baby's on their own.

    Now, for baby # 2, we are looking into adoption. We do not have IVF insurance. We do not want to gamble with our money to try to get pregnant again. What if it didn't work? Then you are looking at at least $15k down the tube. Adoptin is certainly more of a guarantee to get a baby than with IVF.

    I respectfully disagree with you that "their are so many baby's out their without a family." If so, where are they? If that was the case, then most couple's would not be waiting at least a year or more to adopt a healthy newborn. Oh and by the way, do you have $15K-$50K to give to me to adopt? We are going to have to scrimp and save every single penny we make this year.

    On a final note, do you know what it is like to be infertile? Do you know the pain and anguish that couple's go through trying to conceive? It is a nightmare to say the least.

    I respect a couple's right to choose IVF or adoption..either way, I pray that the end result is a baby to start their family.

    Jules
    You're making presumptions about me. You're assuming that because of me stating in a post on the way i view things for myself (note that i said FOR MYSELF) that everything's fine on this end physically for myself, and let me tell you it's not. Don't assume that with the opinion that i gave IF I WERE THE ONE in this situation is how i feel for everyone going through infertility problems. Because, like i said, this is why I, myself, wouldn't go the surrogacy or in vitro, route, and no where did i say that it won't work for others, and nor was i even speaking for other people at all. What i said is how I feel on this issue for ME only, and it really irks me that you twisted my post to make it sound as though that i know how things should be for everyone. I would really appreciate it if you wouldn't do that in the future, thank you.
    Last edit by Marie_LPN, RN on Jun 15, '04
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    LPN2BE2004, DId I see you gmother passed away only one day ago. My deepest sympathies to you:kiss
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    There are a lot of children out there waiting to be adopted, they just aren't the "ideal" (healthy, newborn, generally white). Adopting older children and those with health problems is a HUGE commitment and frankly, I don't know if I could adopt some of the kids I see in the hospital.

    I don't think anyone is trying to be judgemental about adoption vs IVF and surrogacy. I certainly can't imagine myself going through IVF either. Having a biological child has never been important to me, but that doesn't mean other people are bad if it is important to them.
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    This is a very emotional topic for many. Please, lets all remember to keep the discussion respectful.

    If you disagree with another members opinion please try not to take it personally and keep your replies general.

    Thanks
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    I give great thanks for those people that will come and adopt those little ones where I work that have a multitude of problems!
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    I am a mom and a birthmom. I won't go into the details of why I planned an adoption (it would take up too much space, lol), but in a nutshell, I knew it would give us all (my son, the baby, and myself) a better shot at happy lives, as well as hopefully bless a couple who couldn't have kids. I went into it steeling myself for lifelong heartache, but it has been one of the biggest blessings of my life. In fact, it changed my whole life.

    I truly believe that I was meant to get pregnant and plan an adoption. There were things that happened throughout the experience, and still today, that convinced me it was part of a divine plan - uncanny things that no one would believe unless they were there to see it. Not only did the adoption convince me of the presence of God, but it gave me an absolutely new start in life...I met people that are still in my life - mentors, friends, and, of course, the family that adopted him... We had an open adoption. I still talk to them frequently, they send pictures, we write...they have invited me to see them many times but so far I've chickened out...but it has been a breathtaking experience. Definitely painful, but beautiful. There were times when I was pregnant that I didn't know if I was going to be able to handle it (which is why I didn't even talk to the couple until I was sure), but God really brought me through it. We had a ceremony called "From Loving Arms to Loving Arms." We prayed and hugged and cried and it still gives me chills to this day. That's not to say it didn't rip my heart out, because it did, but the pain fades...what doesn't fade is knowing how loved and well cared for he is...and knowing that my older son is better cared for as a result of the adoption. This couple has actually offered to let us stay with them while I finish school...they have been my salvation many times...God works in mysterious ways. I never would have expected such love and generosity when I was planning the adoption. I'm rambling, but I guess what I'm saying is that I believe this boy was always their son. They couldn't concieve, and I could...I couldn't care for him in the way he deserved, and they could...so looking back, I know that pregnancy wasn't a "mistake," but a miracle - a way of giving them their child, and giving me a new start.

    Another interesting aspect, this is a white couple, and they have one adopted AA boy and the boy I gave birth to, who is biracial. They are the most beautiful family I've met. They are as "real" as any family I've ever met, and the love is virtually palpable. It's obvious just from looking at them that they don't have a biological connection...but what is biology compared to love? As a mother of a boy who's father is worthless and contributes nothing to his life...except for sperm...which has legally entitled him to visitation that ended up in abuse...I am a firm believer that what matters is who is there, in the trenches, feeding and changing diapers at 3 am, sitting up until midnight nursing a sick child, searching for daycare, making dr appointments, going to the park, reading stories after working a 10 hour day....THAT IS WHAT MATTERS. Any animal can give birth (I don't mean that to be offensive!), but it takes an amazing person to be a parent (I'm not discounting the desire to have a biological child, merely saying that biology doesn't make someone a parent, love does).

    I don't know if there is a point I'm trying to make, just wanted to give one birthmom's perspective. I'm a lucky birthmom, though, I'm sure that it doesn't go so wonderfully for everyone. The fact that it was my choice made a huge difference. If it had been 30 years ago and I'd been forced into it, wow...I doubt I would have made it.

    This couple was unable to conceive, and though they could definitely afford it, they decided to forego in vitro...because as they said, "There are already kids here who need us." I have the utmost respect for that, because I don't know if I would be selfless enough to make such a choice. The desire to carry a baby and give birth and see a physical reflection of yourself can be so strong...almost irresistible. It must be a difficult choice to make, to consciously decide not to pursue that...but I am so grateful for their choice, because they are the best parents anyone could ask for, and my "birthbaby" so desperately needed them.

    As other posters said, sometimes adoption isn't a viable financial choice (that is a tragedy, I wish the system could be changed in that regard)...there are many issues that make it unfeasible both for prospective birth parents and adoptive parents. I really believe that God can work miracles in so many ways...adoption, in vitro...we can't make any blanket judgements about the issues because there are so many gray areas and extenuating circumstances in each case. But I do think adoption is beautiful, and if I am ever lucky enough to be in a situation where I have a stable 2 parent family and am financially sound, I would love to give a child a better life.

    Alright, I'm done babbling!
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    Quote from fergus51
    It's not the idea that some people would only want biological children that surprises me. I couldn't count the number of times people have told me my family isn't real. I know that those who haven't been involved in adoption or those who had bad experiences may not be able to see the good in it.

    What I don't get is the idea that the birth mother should keep her babies even when she isn't the best to take care of them. I don't understand the stigma associated with giving your child a better life than you can provide when you are young, unmarried, drug addicted, unemployed, etc. Why is keeping a child you can't take care of better than giving him/her a good home?

    ps
    I love my family. They are real. I do know my "real" mom (birth mom). I love her too. I am not bitter, and I don't have any "issues" related to being adopted.
    TOTALLY AGREE!!! I have not met my "birth mom, but would not be adverse to having the opportunity to thank her!! She gave me a life that would have been totally out of reach for me if she had not gone ahead and made the tough decision to let me have better life than she had!! ( She was 15, scared and who knows what her life /my life/our lives would have been like)

    As for foreign adoptions: loe the idea too -- but don't just assume that if you adopt a baby from China, Thiland, Russia.... that the birth mom will NEVER show up and want to have a part of your child's life. America is the "land of opportunity, the melting pot" and people immigrate here all the time. A dear friend has a Chilean baby -- who's "mom" has moved into their small town to be near "her son"... how'd she find him? Is he really hers? Who knows -- but point still stands: while foreign adoptions are more likely to remain uncompromised or exposed -- they are certainly not exempt.


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