#!@$ I hate cancer

[CheesePotato]

I hate it because it's cruel. I hate it because it's indiscriminate. I hate it because it is sucking the ever loving life out of a beautiful soul and there absolutely nothing I can do about it.

I'm a fixer. I always have been. Something breaks, I fix it--or at the very least, break it proper so there ain't no fixin.

I fix things for a living. Cold? Let there be warm blankets! Broken ankle? Poof! Hardware. Heart doesn't want to beat? No problem. I will shock it into submission.

And I was happy tonight, wrapped securely in my sociopathic bubble, enjoying the taste of diet Sunkist and pondering the outcome of the dissecting AAA being offloaded from our chopper landing pad.

But then, for some reason, the fates decided to up and pee in my Cheerios.

I found myself working on a girl--someone scarcely a woman--already riddled with scars and twisted by Chemo; someone who has not experienced a single placid moment in her young life, and as she allowed the anesthesia meds to lovingly coax her away from the waking world, she clung to my hand (I am not a hand holder, typically) like the child she is and wept. Just as the propofol and succs numbed her tongue, she looked me in the eye and breathed, "It's not fair."

And I felt a chink form in my mental armor. It left me breathless and a touch reeling. She came into sharp relief in that moment; not to say that I didn't see her before....but I didn't see her. Suddenly there she was: the scarf lovingly, painstakingly wrapped around her chemical stripped head, her lips blistered and her skin sallow. And alone. Totally alone.

I'll be honest...I don't know why I'm posting this here. I don't know why she seems to have wormed her way into my subconscious to reside right next to the mental image of my first procurement patient with her tiny blush-pink chipped nail polish covered fingers and toes, or the first patient I ever lost on the table. I don't know.

I guess, in some strange capacity, I don't want her to be alone or forgotten.

If you managed to survive my rambling idiocy to reach this point, thanks for hearing me out. Sincerely yours,

Your Friendly Neighborhood Sociopath

[xtxrn, ASN, RN]

It's never easy- but with a kid, it's horrendous. I couldn't do pediatric oncology. Peds was bad enough. I've been through chemo, and while it stunk for the 19 months I was on it, at least I was "old enough" to understand the reasoning for the need for the lousy times to have a shot at staying alive. Kids? Maybe. And that's hard to deal with.

:hug:

[DowntheRiver]

I'm a cancer survivor. I was 21 when I was diagnosed with Stage 2B Hodgkin Lymphoma. Because of my age I was grouped with the younger adults. I honestly cannot call them children despite how young they were just because of how they acted. I have never met and engaged with anyone before who had such grace, poise, and discernment. Half of them knew they weren't meant for this world much longer yet that didn't seem to stop them from continuing with their lives. That experience honestly was humbling. 12 rounds of ABVD, a location change, a school change, and 4 years later and I'm starting my ASN program this month.

[eagle78]

Congratulations and good luck to you futureprice.

OP, you fixed more than you can ever realize because you were there for that little girl. As so many have already said sometimes a touch, a ear or just a person around when we are all alone works wonder for the spirit. Bless you OP, you really did good...

[hoinlexm]

Very well written and honest. Thanks for sharing!

[ShantheRN, BSN, RN]

This was a lovely read. That hand holding did more than you'll know. Cancer is a horrible, horrible disease. My mother died from it at 43 and the nursing staff is what got me through it. My family fell apart, but her nurses were the angels that picked me up. Oncology sucks so bad sometimes, but honestly? Moments like these are what get me through the day sometimes. I'm not sure how long I'll be able to do this before it breaks me, but...for me, it's a "pay it forward" thing. I'll never forget those hospice nurses and their kindness. Even if your pt didn't survive, the last thing she felt was your comforting touch.

[Brian, ASN, RN]

Thanks for sharing your heartfelt story!

[nursel56]

Thanks so much for your story. That person has turned into what I call the few "you never forget". They remain as a snapshot in time forever (for me). I worked at a pediatric hospital for several years as a direct result of my little brother being diagnosed with leukemia at age 4 (he's OK now at 41). I have a few "snapshots" - not all had cancer, but all were just not fair.

To this day fresh tears still spring out when I think of them.

futureprice - Bless you and good luck in nursing school!!!

[trauma_lama, BSN]

one word...waaahhhhhhhhhh!!! thank you for sharing. beautiful.

[jwrands]

Beautifully sad. I was diagnosed with a grade II brain tumor and had a craniotomy just this past year, and from it, it's the reason why I want to be a nurse. In a way, I know how reassuring it can be just to have someone there to listen, or to just be there, and I hope that I'll be able to in the very least, do the same for others who are afflicted by cancer and other ailments for however long I have left.

[nursel56]

best wishes to you jwrands! [color=#b22222]✿[color=#2f4f4f]*ﾟ'ﾟ･

[Sarah96]

Cancer is an awful thing, but is actually what led me in the direction of nursing in the first place. My dad past away last year from gastric cancer. Up until his death he had nurses from hospice coming to our home to care for him. She walked in on one of his final days and noticed me adjusting his wheelchair and washing his face. She looked at me and said "You're going to be a nurse someday, aren't you?" It was then that I knew it was what I wanted to do. I am still a high school student but I'm taking the steps to becoming a Licensed Nursing Assistant in my state. I'm sorry to hear about the experiences you all have had with cancer. It is both painful to go through and painful to watch. My thoughts are with you all. Just remember that there is ALWAYS a positive outlook to things. One has to hit rock bottom before they can rise up! God Bless

[jwrands]

Nursel56, Thanks...