Fired After 50, Part IV: A Time to Punt

Same shinola, different day: I received twin rejections between breakfast and lunch today. One was from the hospice where I'd aced two interviews, only to lose out to someone who lives closer, and the other from the local hospice where I'd really, really, REALLY wanted to work. They didn't even give me a fighting chance---I'd had a short interview with the HR director and never even got to meet the hiring manager, who rejected my application without bothering to check my references (among whom are two of her own nurses). After seven weeks of writing cover letters, sending out applications, and retooling my resume....after seven weeks of waiting, hoping, praying, e-mails, interviews, and phone calls, I'm no closer to finding a job than I was when I started.

I have officially hit bottom. I feel like the word "LOSER" is etched into my forehead. All these years I've worked hard and built a good reputation in the community......and now I've got nothing to show for it but wrinkles and a handful of unemployment-check stubs.

It's getting harder and harder to keep up with our expenses now. After all, my husband and I are surviving on only about half of the income we had from our jobs, and the numbers don't compute. I just cancelled our 30th wedding anniversary celebration that was scheduled for late next month because there's not enough money coming in to take ourselves out to dinner that night, let alone throw ourselves a second wedding and reception. We've got over $15,000 in medical bills and are being nagged to death about them, even though I keep telling the collections people that it's all we can do to afford our prescriptions now that we're without health insurance. And that little bit of light at the end of the tunnel? I thought that hospice job was it for sure, but now I fear it's only the headlight from an oncoming train.

Granted, it's not all bad. We haven't lost our home or car..........yet. None of the utilities have been shut off.......yet. We aren't starving, and we can still afford Internet access and cable; at this point, I'm grateful for just about every little blessing that keeps the wolf away from the door. But what a comedown from the past fifteen years, when we only thought things were tight financially; we'd forgotten how bad things can really be. This is waaaaay too reminiscent of our struggles as young adults, and it's going to take more energy than I feel I'm capable of generating to start over again.

I wonder about all the usual things, like what I'm going to do if, despite all my best efforts, I can't find a job after my unemployment benefits run out, and what I'm doing wrong to cause these repeated rejections. But I'm also beginning to question whether I need to think about relocating........whether I'll ever work as a nurse again........or even whether I want to. Nursing has not been particularly kind to me, as much as I've loved it; maybe all this is telling me that I need to do something else (although what that would be, I haven't the faintest idea). And if truth be told, I really don't want to work five days a week as so many jobs seem to require; four days a week is about all I can handle without getting burnt out, and three would be even better. I'm at a stage of life when work is no longer the be-all and end-all of existence---I've got a husband who recently retired and kids/grandkids I like to spend time with, I'm getting more involved with my church and developing a social life again, and I have plenty of hobbies to keep me out of trouble. Who needs to worry about work 24/7? Haven't I already spent enough of my life doing that?

So perhaps these rejections, as much as they hurt my pride, are more blessings in disguise......and perhaps it's time, as my father used to say, to drop back and punt. In other words, accept the fact that I don't know where to go from here, and let that be OK for now. Stop freaking out over things I have no control over, be open to possibilities outside my comfort zone and ready to seize any opportunities that arise. Put a smile on my face and hold my head up because I'm not a loser. And above all, I need to "let go and let God", because my way sure as hell isn't working.

Psssssst.....hey, you! You still got that ad for Truckmasters? I might need that.......