[MrsWampthang]

Guess I just need to vent here. My ds plays football in middle school. He's in 8th grade and this is the first year that he has played football. He is getting frustrated and so am I because IF he gets to play in games at all, he might get to play the last minute of the game. The last game (last night) was an away game that it took me almost an hour to drive to and my ds didn't get to play at all. I understand that the coach wants to start his best players, but they have, so far, won all their games, usually by a landslide, so if his team is so far ahead, why can't the coach put in some of the boys that haven't gotten to play much, if at all, like my ds? I purposely scheduled my days off on his game day, but now I feel like it was a waste of time, if all I am going to do is sit there and watch him walking up and down the sidelines. He is frustrated too since he tells me that the coach compliments him some in practice for making good tackles. In fact, in one game that he did get to play in, he made a good tackle and kept the other team from getting a first down, so I know my ds isn't a horrible player. Anyway, I did speak to his coach after this last game and asked him how my son was doing and pointed out that he didn't even get to play at all. He told me that my ds was doing fine but that I could call him tomorrow to talk about it further, which I understand, and believe me I will be calling him; if nothing else but to find out why my ds and some of the other kids don't get a chance to play in the games, even when our team is way ahead. Sorry this is so long. This is why I don't like team competitions, where the coach can put in his best players or his favorite players and to h#$% with the rest of the kids that would like to play. I guess winning is more important than teaching kids the importance of team playing, having fun and learning to play sports. My middle boy told me that that was why he didn't play football in 8th grade, because he sat the bench in 7th grade so he ended up hating middle school football. Does anyone else feel this way or am I just being a poor sport?



Pam

[nrsang97]

I am not sure why coaches have to take all the fun out of sports for kids. I thought being on the team was to learn teamwork. Maybe I am wrong. I remember when my brother was young and played hockey. All the kids did get to play. Some more than others. But needless to say very cutthroat. I remember going to a game that the parents almost fought in the bleachers. My brother had played for the first year as a goalie. His water bottle was empty and he needed a drink and went to the bench after the whistle was blown and I am not sure why but he really shouldn't have and the parents from the other team were all over him and the asst. coach from the other team had to be in the stands to control them. All that over a poor kid who was thirsty.
At another game the kids he was playing were bullies. They were checking and they weren't allowed to yet in the league they were in. At the end of the game all the kids on the other team started beating up on his team and knocked a kid out. The kid was ok but still. The coach was horrible for the other team. He threatened a players mom. After that season my brother didn't play hockey anymore. Because were on vacation and he broke his leg and wasn't ready to play the next season. The next competative sport he was involved in was swim team in high school. He wasn't the best on the team but the coach did praise his improvements.

Kids will never get any better if they never get to play. Don't coaches understand this or what. I do think that everyone should get to play some. I can see if it is a state championsip on the line and he wants his best players in, but when they are trouncing the other team some of the weaker players should get to play. I never did play sports because I see it as "just a game, you can't win them all." But in kids sports it isn't seen that way. I think it takes all the fun out of it.

In my opinion sports are for fun and should be enjoyed and kids should be taught that winning isn't everything.

[rn/writer]

I can understand your frustration, but I'd be very careful about stepping in and handling this for your son. Even at the middle school level, your boy might not appreciate having his mom intervene.

I think he'd be more likely to earn the coach's respect--and possibly some playing time--if he were the one to pursue the matter. You could suggest that he speak to the coach after practice some night and ask what he can do to improve his chances of getting off the bench. If he shows some persistance and assertiveness, that alone might make him more prominent on the radar. You could even help him practice what he wants to say. But then he should be the one to say it.

Sometimes coaches want to see that hunger as much as they do the talent. And young men need to learn to go after the things they want with tenacity and grit.

Parents are great for building kids up and giving them pep talks and encouragement and direction. But don't do for your son what he ought to be doing for himself.

If he gets nowhere with this, talk to the parents of some of the other benchwarmers and see if you can speak with the coach as a group.

Just consider long and hard whether doing the mom thing (without other parents involved) is the best alternative here.

I wish you and your son the best. Do let us know what happens.

[MrsWampthang]

I understand what you're saying Miranda. My son told me he has talked to the coach and the assistant coach, both of whom told him that he would get to play more. I told him to ask them what he could be doing better so he would get more playing time so he wouldn't seem like he was being snotty and he said that he talked to them like I suggested. But instead of letting him play more, they didn't play him at all. It says on a handout that I got at the first of the season that one of the responsibilities of the parents is to communicate with the coach if we have any concerns about our children so that's why I'm going to talk to the coach. I told my son I that I had spoke to the coach after the game and that I was going to call him. My stance isn't going to be "why aren't you playing my kid?!" I'm going to approach it with a "what can he do better that will get him more playing time? Or is he even going to get any more playing time, because if he isn't then I don't want to waste any more of the coach's tim coaching him, anymore of his time practicing and not playing, and certainly no more of my time going to games so I can watch him walk up and down the sidelines. I could be working anyway and making money and not spending it driving to games that my son doesn't get to play in. Sorry to sound so frustrated, it just makes me mad that he has practiced everyday in the worst heat, during the hottest part of the day, and he gets nothing for it. If parents don't stand up to coaches about injustices like this, and the coaches blow off the kids, then where does it stop. It's not like I made sure to go and hang out at every practice like another kid's mom did. Course, that kid gets playing time, but I don't think he gets as much as that mom thinks he should. But I digress. Anyway, thanks for the feedback.

Pam

[MrsWampthang]

Just a followup. The coach called me this morning and apologized for not putting my ds in. He said that he gets so focused on winning that he forgets about the kids that haven't got to play yet. He told me he would put ds in early in the next game and he would talk to ds today at practice. I thanked him for calling and told him that I had just wondered if ds was not doing ok or what and the coach told me that ds was doing good and that he was a good kid. Well, that made me feel a whole lot better. Thanks again for the feedback.

Pam

[rn/writer]

Thanks for letting us know what happened. I'm glad you had already encouraged your son to stand up for himself. Too many parents want to micro-manage their kids' lives so they never have to own their problems or face any disappointment. You did the right thing to start by having him approach the coaching staff himself.

You must have stirred up the coach's conscience if he called you. Good for you. And for your son. Sounds like a positive outcome for all.