[LuvMyGamecocks]

I am at a crossroads, and realizing that there are thousands of other women (and men) that come through this forum, I'd love to get the "real" input of other people.

Here it is...My husband's family is MESSED up. Actually, they're far beyond messed up. The highlights?

Mother-in-law is a malt-liquor drinking, 4 pack/day smoking habit, bingo addict whose MOST RECENT atrocity was to committ Identity Theft against her own daughter. I say most recent...this forum can't hold it all. She's stolen money from us, lied to us when she's owed us money.

Uncle-in-law is a pot-smoking, non-working coke addict that refuses to help his mother pay bills (he's 32 and has never left home) OR buy school clothes for his soon-to-be 13 year old son. 13 year old has no room of his own and "shares" a twin size bed with his dad.

I could go on and on and on...I've had enough of all of them and have talked to my husband about it. I don't want to eliminate them from our children's lives ('cause our girls still love Grandma, despite her shortcomings), but I certainly want to LIMIT their contact, and therefore, their influence on our 3 and 4 year old girls.

DH is having no part of it, saying I'm wrong for keeping them away. I say ENOUGH. DH doesn't support me when it comes to HIS family, will very RARELY go to my family functions without me specifically begging him, doesn't outwardly complain about me being in school (but does complain about the time I'm NOT at home), won't help with everything else while I'm in school (cooking every once in a while, sweeping a floor or two), is constantly going against our mutually decided parenting decisions, and gets upset when I tell him that I would rather not hear all the sports trivia that he hears on ESPN radio every day. (His response to that? "I don't wanna hear about your stupid school stuff, but I listen anyway.")

I've had enough. I've been with him for almost 6 years, married for a little over a year...don't know that I'm willing to wade through all the more S**T that keeps getting piled on. I know, I know, the vows..through the bad times and the good. My question is:

How much do you take before you push them away? Can't a separation help to find out if it's really worth it or do you think it just signals the beginning of the end?

(He has previously agreed to marriage counseling, but only to appease me at the time. I don't know that he sees any value in a third party helping to save what feels like the breakdown of our short marriage.)

Thanks for hearing me out, if nothing else.

[gr8rnpjt]

Dear LMG,

A separation is a really good idea. Get some space between you, and try to limit contact--that is best and I think you know that. You can't tell this man that his mother is a bad person--he will not hear that. Actions speak louder than words and when you leave you will get his attention. Then you can lay it out and try to let him see that this is for your sanity and your children's well being.

[Miss Calculation]

I'm so sorry you're finding yourself up against a wall like this. I've been divorced with kids (former hubby was a chronic philanderer), so I'm going to be brutally blunt and tell it like it is. I wish someone would have said these things to me. Here goes (hope you're sitting down): Hindsight talking here, but there are a few things to consider when making such a monumental decision. 1) You may not have to share a roof after divorce, but you DO share children, and that's FOREVER. Since he's so close to these crazy a$$ people, he will bring the kids to family functions and may even depend on them for childcare during the time he's responsible for them. The difference? You won't be there. 2) Attorneys make a butt load of money from divorce. At $250-300/hr, it behooves them to subject you to a drawn out, ugly and utterly soul destroying battle in which you and your former husband will end up hating each other. The kids pay a huge price for this. You will also be poverty stricken by the time the lawyers finish. 3) Your husband will probably find someone new within a relatively short time and girlfriend/soon to be wife will be playing the role of mother to your girls 50% of the time. He may find someone nice, but again, you have no control over that. In my experience, girlfriend/soon to be wife resented the fact that he had to pay me alimony and child support and talked him into dragging me back to court when they found out I got a $2/hr raise.

With that said, in my situation, I still feel like divorce was the right thing to do. But, if I could have avoided it in any way, I would have. I don't know if separation is right for you, but for the sake of your sanity, you really need to take some time to seriously consider the ramifications and make the best decision for yourself and your girls.

[LuvMyGamecocks]

Thanks for your thoughts - I truly appreciate your input. I've considered so many angles of this...many of which you covered, Miss Calculation. I'm not so much worried about me..I'll be okay. It's the girls emotional well-being that I would be concerned about. Knowing that you would do the same thing, regardless of what you've had to learn from hindsight, is a powerful thing. One question, though....

Originally Posted by Miss Calculation

But, if I could have avoided it in any way, I would have.

How do you avoid it? How would you have avoided it, knowing what you now know?

I feel like my day to day interaction with him is only serving to make me feel stronger about leaving.

[Miss Calculation]

I wish I had an answer for you.
Does your husband reeeealy know how close you are to cracking? What if you take a risk and show him your post on this website. What do you have to lose at this point? You've invested a lot of years into your relationship with him and you seem like an intelligent, insightful woman. There must be some reason you've given him seven years.

Even though divorce is a relief initially, it has its own load of problems. You will still have to deal with him and his family--probably on a daily basis since your girls are so young. But you won't have control over the kids when they are with him. It's a huge thing to give up.

When I said I would have avoided divorce if I could have, I meant it. But, my husband obviously didn't want to be a husband and father, so I didn't have a choice. The only way I could have avoided it would probably be to not marry him in the first place--too late for that!

[Marie_LPN]

All i've got to say is, you've taken more than i would have.

[Angie O'Plasty, RN]

Originally Posted by LuvMyGamecocks

I am at a crossroads, and realizing that there are thousands of other women (and men) that come through this forum, I'd love to get the "real" input of other people.

Here it is...My husband's family is MESSED up. Actually, they're far beyond messed up. The highlights?

Mother-in-law is a malt-liquor drinking, 4 pack/day smoking habit, bingo addict whose MOST RECENT atrocity was to committ Identity Theft against her own daughter. I say most recent...this forum can't hold it all. She's stolen money from us, lied to us when she's owed us money.

Uncle-in-law is a pot-smoking, non-working coke addict that refuses to help his mother pay bills (he's 32 and has never left home) OR buy school clothes for his soon-to-be 13 year old son. 13 year old has no room of his own and "shares" a twin size bed with his dad.

I could go on and on and on...I've had enough of all of them and have talked to my husband about it. I don't want to eliminate them from our children's lives ('cause our girls still love Grandma, despite her shortcomings), but I certainly want to LIMIT their contact, and therefore, their influence on our 3 and 4 year old girls.

DH is having no part of it, saying I'm wrong for keeping them away. I say ENOUGH. DH doesn't support me when it comes to HIS family, will very RARELY go to my family functions without me specifically begging him, doesn't outwardly complain about me being in school (but does complain about the time I'm NOT at home), won't help with everything else while I'm in school (cooking every once in a while, sweeping a floor or two), is constantly going against our mutually decided parenting decisions, and gets upset when I tell him that I would rather not hear all the sports trivia that he hears on ESPN radio every day. (His response to that? "I don't wanna hear about your stupid school stuff, but I listen anyway.")

I've had enough. I've been with him for almost 6 years, married for a little over a year...don't know that I'm willing to wade through all the more S**T that keeps getting piled on. I know, I know, the vows..through the bad times and the good. My question is:

How much do you take before you push them away? Can't a separation help to find out if it's really worth it or do you think it just signals the beginning of the end?

(He has previously agreed to marriage counseling, but only to appease me at the time. I don't know that he sees any value in a third party helping to save what feels like the breakdown of our short marriage.)

Thanks for hearing me out, if nothing else.

I hate to go all Dr. Phil on you and all, but can I ask? When you married this dude, What were you thinking?

What I mean by that is, did you love him? Were you accepting of him, his situation, his family? Did you think maybe he'd change or that his family would change? Did you have a lot of contact with them before you married him?

Maybe you should go to counseling without him. A few good counseling sessions never hurt anyone and who knows? maybe he'll get curious and join you when he can't make you stop going.

[cheerfuldoer]

I have to agree with ANGIE -- many a woman and man ask the questions Angie has presented to you, only we don't ask them until we're often knee-deep in the shick.

Once the slop has been served, the best thing to do is figure out how to change menus to something more edible for the family. Counseling is a wonderful idea IF you and your husband are both up to the challenge of change for the better. If only one partner is willing to grow through the mess they both made, the marriage won't work.

Do the right thing BY THE CHILDREN since they did not choose you or your husband to be part of their lives. My prayers are with you all...including the relatives you chose to be part of your life and your children's lives for whatever reasons.

I'm not scolding you. I feel your pain and disappointment with choices you've made with your life. I've made a major mess of my own life that affected my children's lives when their father and I divorced many years ago. The pain does last for years...the children are affected for years after the divorce, and they all need or eventually end up in counseling as adults to get their lives straight after their parents screw it up. Your post tells a major truth about why we should think before we give up the milk. Long after we share the milk, the stench of it turning sour lingers on.

I'd like to come back and share more with you, but right now dd needs my help. I love you with the love of the Lord, and care about you and your children. (((((((warmest hugs)))))))

[weetziebat]

Gosh, I too really feel for you. I know I've made the mistakes previous posters mentioned. "I know he'll change once we get married" - heck, even I didn't believe it, but I hoped. Never works. People can change, but only if they really want to and are willing to work hard at it.

I think you've gotten a lot of good advice so far. The hardest thing is trying to do the best by your children. But staying with someone isn't always the best thing. A bad relationship can mess up kids even worse than a messy divorce.

Wish I had some great advice to give you. You are between the proverbial rock and a hard place. I will keep you in my prayers that you will have the strength you need to make the right decisions.

[Grace Oz]

Ask yourself how will all this impact on you and the children in the long term. Try imagining, if you can, being much older and closer to the end of your life journey. Ask yourself how you imagine it to be. Then ponder if the life you are living now, will lead you in that direction.
I wish you well and hope you are soon feeling more peaceful.
Cheers......
Grace