[Phenomenon]

Just wondering how many of us are stuck in these types of relationships. Why do you think we stay? What have you found are the effects on you personally, emotionally, etc. Abuse can take many forms, I have never been hit but have been lied to, manipulated, yelled at, ignored, subject to rage outburts for no reason. Anyone been here? I cannot explain what it is like.....

[SmilingBluEyes]

Been there, but did NOT stay. I think many do for a few reasons, main one being we are nurturers and SOMETIMES co-dependent in our relationships. It is not unusual for nurses to be involved in abusive relationships, and for anyone, breaking the cycle can be tough. For some reason, you give permission to this person to do this to you. You have to tell him it's not ok and mean it. That is easier said than done, I know, but necessary if you will retain any self-respect and have any sort of decent life. I am so glad I had the strength and some VERY good friends to help me out my bad situation all those years ago.....

[trish820]

I am and I am starting to get down on myself too. I am a PCA (Patient Care Associate) at a local hospital and I would love to go to nursing school when our daughter (age 3) get's into kindergarten but I really don't think I will be able to because of him. He doesn't smoke, drink, or run around but he is very controlling and yells alot when it comes to our daughter doing things and the "stupid" things I do.

Thanks for listening.

Trish

[barefootlady]

Sounds like a hectic day on the floor to me. Sorry, did not mean to sound unfeeling. Whatever the reason, we, both males and females, turn a blind eye to those we love. In turn, that leads us to accept behaviors we do not accept in others. Sounds simple, but isn't. No magic answer here, just each person making a decision as to what they can and will accept.

[MADISMOM]

My first marriage (at the age of 18) was unfortunately that way. I was never physically abused, but at times thought that would have been easier. It took me until the age of 24 before I had had enough. Drugs played a major part of that, on his behalf. I have never used drugs in my life, but I have lived with someone who did and it was HELL on a daily basis. Just remember, no one owns you and you have the right to speak up! Also, my first husband was so controlling that I tried to start nursing school when I was 19 and he was too jealous for me to go to the local community college and said that he would leave me if I started going....so I gave up on it. I wasted all that time and final when I left him for good, I was on my own and couldn't afford to go to college and maintain a household. But, thanks be unto God that I now have a wonderful, Christian husband that supports me in all my goals and dreams and I am scheduled to start LPN school in Jan. 05. I'm sorry that you are going through this, and I will pray for you!

Remember this verse, it has gotten me where I am today.
Jeremiah 29:11
I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

God Bless!

[rica75]

I just left my emotionally abusive husband of 10 years! I did not realize that it was "abuse" for a long, long time. After I told him I was pregnate with our son I realized. His response was "They have a pill to take care of that now!" For the first time ever, I punched him. Hard! In the gut! BOY IT FELT GOOOOOOOOD! But still I stayed with him thinking it would all be better once the baby was born. I went through the entire pregnancy with him BLAMING me and saying I did this! It doesn't take anyone in the medical profession to know it takes two. But to this day, it's all my doing. And he let all his freinds know this. I don't think he really has freinds anymore, they weren't as blind as me. Anyway, after I told him, we still moved onto our 40 acres of land in Arizona. I mean only 40 acres. No electricity, water, plumbing (that's a whole diffrent story!), house, nothing, just juniper pines that grow no more than 6 feet tall and cactus and free range cows everywhere. So us along with our 7 year-old daughter moved there with a 25-foot travel trailer in the snow. Yes, it snows in the high desert plains of Arizona, it just turns to mud when the sun comes out. Sticky, clay mud! So then the baby's born, and he loves him. But still treats me like crap. When the baby wakes in the middle of the night, "This is so muck f#%&*#@g fun, let's do it again!" I finally got up the nerve to say, I would love to, just not with you! Anyway, the breaking point was while trying to breast-feed, I had to get a job because his was seasonal and he wouldn't look for another one, he talked alot of crap about me to our now 8 y/o daughter. Of course she would tell me all, and some was really not meant for any little girl to hear, not nice. One morning, while he was with a freind, she told me he said, "IF YOUR MOTHER AND I BREAK UP, [b]IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!" WELL i PACKED US UP AND WENT TO MY MOM'S FOR THE WEEK TO THINK. It took two more months, but we now live with my mother in Phoenix. We are supposed to visit him this week-end, and I'm really nervous about how he'll pull at my heart strings. He's one of those that will even threaten suicide. Or the kids need a 2 parent family. Or no one will ever love me like he does( I hope not!). BE STRONG. Do what your heart tells you is best for you! Especially if kids are involved.

[susanna]

When I got older, I started hearing things about a lot of the people I most respected in my life. After hearing all the secrets and lies behind the people I once knew as so admirable and nice, I am now cynical and believe that all relationships are abusive or at least manipulative to an extent.

I've been emotionally and physically abused by people close to me. This has really scarred me but I think ehat has hurts me the most is when people who I have admired during my times of getting abused did not tell me the truth about themselves or help me. Thats not really abusive but I do feel manipulated by this. Its like you hope for something better, when in reality, there wasn't anything better. Like, everybody is abusive to someone in their life. Like its human nature and there aint nothin u can do bout it.

I've found no other solution to this than becoming antisocial and a little bit of a misanthropist. I don't get too close to anyone even though I always feel that I need comfort and companionship the most in my life. Don't know what else there is to do.

[MADISMOM]

I feel so sorry for you. Don't give in to all of that nonsense that he may throw your way. Do what's best for you and the children. Sound's like you've been doing fine without him. If you do consider going back to him, PLEASE seek counseling...BOTH OF YOU, TOGETHER....also remember to put God in the middle of all things. God Bless you and I'll be praying for you.

Originally Posted by rica75

I just left my emotionally abusive husband of 10 years! I did not realize that it was "abuse" for a long, long time. After I told him I was pregnate with our son I realized. His response was "They have a pill to take care of that now!" For the first time ever, I punched him. Hard! In the gut! BOY IT FELT GOOOOOOOOD! But still I stayed with him thinking it would all be better once the baby was born. I went through the entire pregnancy with him BLAMING me and saying I did this! It doesn't take anyone in the medical profession to know it takes two. But to this day, it's all my doing. And he let all his freinds know this. I don't think he really has freinds anymore, they weren't as blind as me. Anyway, after I told him, we still moved onto our 40 acres of land in Arizona. I mean only 40 acres. No electricity, water, plumbing (that's a whole diffrent story!), house, nothing, just juniper pines that grow no more than 6 feet tall and cactus and free range cows everywhere. So us along with our 7 year-old daughter moved there with a 25-foot travel trailer in the snow. Yes, it snows in the high desert plains of Arizona, it just turns to mud when the sun comes out. Sticky, clay mud! So then the baby's born, and he loves him. But still treats me like crap. When the baby wakes in the middle of the night, "This is so muck f#%&*#@g fun, let's do it again!" I finally got up the nerve to say, I would love to, just not with you! Anyway, the breaking point was while trying to breast-feed, I had to get a job because his was seasonal and he wouldn't look for another one, he talked alot of crap about me to our now 8 y/o daughter. Of course she would tell me all, and some was really not meant for any little girl to hear, not nice. One morning, while he was with a freind, she told me he said, "IF YOUR MOTHER AND I BREAK UP, [b]IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!" WELL i PACKED US UP AND WENT TO MY MOM'S FOR THE WEEK TO THINK. It took two more months, but we now live with my mother in Phoenix. We are supposed to visit him this week-end, and I'm really nervous about how he'll pull at my heart strings. He's one of those that will even threaten suicide. Or the kids need a 2 parent family. Or no one will ever love me like he does( I hope not!). BE STRONG. Do what your heart tells you is best for you! Especially if kids are involved.

[MADISMOM]

Trust me...I'm on my second marriage and there are people out there that really care about you and your dreams. Don't give up...."Mr. Right" will come along.

Originally Posted by susanna

When I got older, I started hearing things about a lot of the people I most respected in my life. After hearing all the secrets and lies behind the people I once knew as so admirable and nice, I am now cynical and believe that all relationships are abusive or at least manipulative to an extent.

I've been emotionally and physically abused by people close to me. This has really scarred me but I think ehat has hurts me the most is when people who I have admired during my times of getting abused did not tell me the truth about themselves or help me. Thats not really abusive but I do feel manipulated by this. Its like you hope for something better, when in reality, there wasn't anything better. Like, everybody is abusive to someone in their life. Like its human nature and there aint nothin u can do bout it.

I've found no other solution to this than becoming antisocial and a little bit of a misanthropist. I don't get too close to anyone even though I always feel that I need comfort and companionship the most in my life. Don't know what else there is to do.

[Phenomenon]

Thank you so much for sharing that. It helps to know that

1. I am not alone

2. There is hope for a better relationship out there

I have been struggling for years with this and it is truly a cycle. I work up the nerve to leave and then boom, he is Mr. Nice guy again. he is nice for a while but it never lasts. It is like Jekyll and Hyde. I have finally gotten to the point of knowing I cannot change him (finally). Now it is just needing the courage to move on. A scary thought........

I am always the one taking care of things, helping people, sounds very much like nursing.

He has smashed a table in front of our daughter, drove recklessly out of anger, rages at me for no reason, swears, ignores me, withholds sex, is jealous for no reason. He says he is going to counselling, will change, he loves us........but it sounds very much like the song and dance I heard last year, and the year before, and the year before, etc.

God give me the courage to leave, I am facing this task next