[Gompers]

I spent a few years in a very bad relationship. It wasn't until I was taking abnormal psychology in nursing school that I found out the problem - he had borderline personality disorder. It was all there - the cutting, the suicide threats, the manipulation, the melodrama, everything. I was at his beck and call, and if I wasn't boy did I hear about it. He made me cry on a daily basis for years. I swear, EVERYTHING was drama with him. He didn't know the meaning of simply LIVING - life had to be a soap opera. And forget ever fighting or trying to break up with him - then it was all about how he was going to kill himself and did I want that to happen? I wasted SO much time on this jerk, my late teens, when I should've been having fun. I finally got away from this guy, but do you know, to this day he contacts me sometimes? I'll get a call every year or two. He's still trying to play the same cards - threatening suicide, etc. I used to take the time to talk him down, but I had to stop. Last time, it was 3am when he called with his sob story, trying to make me come back to him. I finally had the guts to just tell him off. I told him that he had a serious psychological problem, and that the counselors he claimed he saw obviously aren't helping and recommended he find an actual psychiatrist. I said that I had no place for him in my life, and that if he wanted to get better, that he needed to seek treatment. I said if he was really feeling suicidal that he should go to the ER and they would help him. Then I said good-bye and hung up. It was about 2 years ago, and I haven't heard from him since. I know he's still alive, and that his suicidal threats are just part of his disorder. Poor guy, I feel bad for him, but I just am so thankful that I don't have to deal with him anymore.

I do get scared, sometimes, that he'll get worse and show up someday and hurt me or my family. He's a lunatic.

[Phenomenon]

Yes! Thank goodness for this thread. Again, it is helpful to know I am not alone. I guess it is true, I am not literally "stuck" more like psychologically paralyzed at this point. My self-esteem has eroded so slowly that I did not even notice it until now. However, I am starting to take my life back, slowly but surely. For the lady who posted about her boyfriend being very attracted to his own looks, you might want to check some websites on narcissistic personality disorderWhat are some of the most ridiculous things your SOs have done that would make other people gasp and yet you stayed. Mine would be him getting drunk and ripping up money because he stated that is all I wanted and then ripping the phone out of the wall and holding me hostage - one day post-op, so I was really helpless to leave. This was 4 years ago but clear as day in my mind to this day.

[Sueilp]

Hi Everyone,

I need some help...one of my staff is beign emotionally abused by her partner and this has come to my attention this week as it has been affecting her work. We have had a couple of long discussions about what is going on with her life and I am sure she hasnt told me everything (and why shoudl she as I am only her Manager). What I am concerned about is after seeing her so upset and sayign she hasent the strength to leave her partner, what can I do to help her - she doesnt seem ready to be helped yet, but she has really good friends in work who are offering her solutions albeit temporary ones, she has NO money, cant afford to leave work, has two lovely boys and a mum that loves her (but she doesnt think she does).

Sorry I have had a hard day and feel useless in trying to help this member of staff...any suggestions on what I can do apart form keep talking to her??

[CHATSDALE]

I could have written any of those other letters...i married too young and had a family and had no marketable skills....i prayed for my marriage to work but sometimes God has other plans for us....if i had stayed my children would have had it worse than they did when we were so poor...they are grown now and i am living alone....very lonely but there are worse things than being alone
he has gone through several relationships and one other marriage....believes in his heart that all these failures were not his fault. what gets me is that he believes that it is my fault he could not make a lasting relationship with these other women God bless them i know what they went through, the children will not see him or talk with him of the phone..no contact period...which is not good but maybe in time they will realize that he was living as he had seen his parents live and he felt that he was right... i hope that you make the right decision for yourself...abuse is abuse...pretty soon you will began to believe that you are not worth anything any better....

[Phenomenon]

SueIP,

It is so good of you for wanting to help! I know that support and a non-judgmental approach is what I crave. But , the truth is, these relationships are so much more complex than they seem and it can be very hard to leave, even when you know you should. Sometimes, it can take years, just the process of letting go and getting the courage to move on. This is where I am at. And although you want to help as much as you can, it will really have to be HER decision to accept help and leave, and nobody will be able to convince her otherwise until she is ready. I know- I am this girl.

Hard as it may be, just try to offer support and a listening ear. Again, she will leave when ready, and no other time.

How is it effecting her work though?

[Destinystar]

Read up on domestic violence and about sociopaths and you will learn why. The cycle of emotional violence can turn into physical violence and become deadly. Putting up with an abusive partner gives them the message that what they are doing to U is OK. And if you dont have enough respect for yourself then have enough respect for the children to get them out of that situation. We have no control over the person who is abusing us but we do have control over our ability to protect ourself and our children from it. Why do people put up with abuse because they dont think that deserve something better. Because we are nurses we think that we can fix the problem so we keep going back to these people one more time, until we get it right. Vicitims of abusers are codependents who define themselves through others. Both the victim and the abuser have seriouse abandonment issues stemming from poor bonding between themselves and their mothers. The abuser hates women because he hated his mother, the victim sticks around the abuser because he reminds her of the only thing she knows which was an emotionally abusive mother. The two fit together like a lock and key.

[zoeboboey]

Originally Posted by Gompers

I spent a few years in a very bad relationship. It wasn't until I was taking abnormal psychology in nursing school that I found out the problem - he had borderline personality disorder.

yep, that's what my ex has.

[zoeboboey]

Originally Posted by Phenomenon

Yes! Thank goodness for this thread. Again, it is helpful to know I am not alone. I guess it is true, I am not literally "stuck" more like psychologically paralyzed at this point. My self-esteem has eroded so slowly that I did not even notice it until now. However, I am starting to take my life back, slowly but surely. For the lady who posted about her boyfriend being very attracted to his own looks, you might want to check some websites on narcissistic personality disorderWhat are some of the most ridiculous things your SOs have done that would make other people gasp and yet you stayed. Mine would be him getting drunk and ripping up money because he stated that is all I wanted and then ripping the phone out of the wall and holding me hostage - one day post-op, so I was really helpless to leave. This was 4 years ago but clear as day in my mind to this day.

WOW. Hope you NEVER forget that day! yowsa!

I was thinking Narcissistic personality disorder too, for the lady whose husband is "so gorgeous". The poor guy.

http://www.angelfire.com/ego/narcissism/

[zoeboboey]

Originally Posted by SueIP

Sorry I have had a hard day and feel useless in trying to help this member of staff...any suggestions on what I can do apart form keep talking to her??

You are doing GREAT! Just see how much is really going on if you can, if there are threats or actual physical abuse you need to get hard a** on her to get out of there quickly! Meanwhile, as she opens up and has some esteem she may well be able to pull herself out or through it.

How bout employee health/employee assistance programs? They can give free counseling usually and set her up with outside help. Especially if it's affecting her work. This is too much for you to take on entirely what with your job and whatever else is going on for you. It takes a lot of energy to do what you're doing, and you're awesome for being there for her! I bet lots of managers would have told her to shape up or ship out!

[zoeboboey]

Originally Posted by CHATSDALE

what gets me is that he believes that it is my fault he could not make a lasting relationship with these other women ....

Chatsdale -- Wish there was a great big giant mouth-wide-open shocked smiley I could use!!! WHOA!

Glad you are makin it on your own!

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Chatsdale}}}}}}}}}