[janfrn]

Originally Posted by oncnursemsn

AcK, forgive me, didn't see the PICU, just the "Lets talk about death." My apologies!

Not a problem at all. It's a universal enemy that we're talking about here, and all comments are welcome.

[WarEagle4Life]

Hi all

Today is the 1st anniversary of Beautiful's death. I just read the most incredible post on his Caring Bridge site from his mom with a poem she'd written about all the things she misses - the silly, incidental everyday things we all take for granted. I will always grieve his loss. He's the first child I had taken care of alot and participated in the withdrawal of extraordinary means. The morning he left us, I will always remember the anguish, the love and the courage his family displayed as they realized keeping him with us was only delaying what was happening. They were able to plan and have things the way they wanted and needed. One of our intensivists came in just to be with the family.

Beautiful's family is very active in CureSearch. He's on several billboards in our area alone. The caption reads: "Cancer is the number one killer of beautiful children." My husband saw the billboard and has seen pictures on his site. He was looking through a mail order catalog (his favorite thing to do besides ordering) and saw a painting of an angel, entitled "Beautiful". He was dumbstruck - it looked just like "my" Beautiful.

We have 2 kiddos on the PICU side whose families aren't willing to see/admit the inevitable. One has coded countless times, is on ECMO (gone through countless circuits, oxygenators, pump changes, pressors, chest tubes upon chest tubes - very little lung tissue that's viable remains) and the other is a heme/onc with sepsis progressing to MODS. On the cardiac side, 2 others keep trying for heaven and we won't let them go.

This is one awesome thread - thanks for letting me grieve. Apologies for typos, crying again.

[gentylwind]

My name is Sheri and I just wanted to comment here...my son Joseph had relapsed AML. He had a stem cell transplant with unrelated umbilical cord blood...obviously AML is a demon and we were worried but cautiously hopeful. To make a long story short, sadly, Joseph contracted CMV pneumonitis. There was no sign of cancer in his body. All his other organs were functioning appropriately. He started to fail and was placed on a ventilator...attempts to extubate were unsuccessful..he always returned to crisis. Because all his other organs were holding up, we continued to hope. For four long, agonizing weeks he was on a vent, then an oscillator and finally on January 09, 2007 one of his team got the courage to gently mention the possibility of DNR to us. We made the decision to discontinue treatment on January 10th and Joseph passed away within 5 minutes of his being removed from the vent.

The nurses in the PICU were the finest caliber of people I have ever met in my life. Particularly I became close to Amy and Traci, who were friends from nursing school and worked together there. They took incredible care of Joseph and yet were so good about letting me do the things for him I was still capable of doing, letting me help change him and clean him, etc. I love those girls with all my heart. Traci was with us when Joseph died. She saved her tears until she thought we were gone, but I was a mess and wandering aimlessly and I came across her sobbing much later, down the hall. It touched my heart so much that she let us in like that.

I am now a pre-nursing student. I was inspired by Amy and Traci, and by my wonderful son, who died at the age of 13. I will forever be thankful for those who tried to hard to help him get well...and to those who helped hold me up when he couldn't. I am working so hard to join your ranks. I appreciate what you do every day of my life, even though we lost. www.caringbridge.org/visit/josephmorrison

[janfrn]

Welcome to allnurses Sheri and thank you so much for sharing a tiny piece of Joseph with us. He had a special light in his eyes to go with his beautiful smile, didn't he? You must miss him terribly. How generous of you to want to give back. I came to nursing by a similar path (my son survived, but with multiple disabilities) and followed my heart to PICU. It's a humbling place, sometimes an unforgiving place, but it's the only place I want to be. When you get here, we'll be waiting with open arms!

Almost from the beginning of our education we have it drilled into us that we can't allow ourselves to become enmeshed with the people we care for. What an oxymoron that is! We're told we must maintain a professional distance and that we cannot allow our emotions to be touched by what we do. We're told it's unprofessional to cry with a patient or their family when things don't go the way we want them to. I say FORGET THAT! If we squash down our humanity and harden our hearts we lose the kernel of why we became nurses in the first place, and we lose the opportunity to truly know ourselves. When you saw Traci crying, I really hope she wasn't embarrassed. Seeing her grief could only validate and support yours. Joseph was loved. I cried before I left work this morning in front of a grandmother, not because the child is dying, but because he's being transferred to the ward after 4 months and 6 days in our unit and countless brushes with death. He will soon be back home, hopefully only ever a visitor from now on. These experiences are what makes the other ones bearable.

[danissa]

Welcome here Sheri. I read your site, your loss is overwhelming honey. Your boy was such a brave wee guy, and such shining eyes and a beautiful smile..would have grown into a handsome guy who would have had many women casting a smile or two at him, I'll bet! Our family lost a young man, three years ago, wasn't even my son, but would have been my son in law, and we loved him so. Hardly a day goes by, that I dont think of him, I still feel that loss, so yours must be a billion times more. I'm so sorry that your wee man had to go. Hope your family are getting by ok, hugs to you and your boys.

[elizabells]

Is anyone else having a bad run of losses at work? I swear, we've lost at least one kid almost every day for over a week. That's REALLY unusual for us. I lost another primary yesterday, although not on my shift. A beautiful, perfect girl who happened to be born with primary surfactant deficiency. I know these things go in cycles, but this is getting weird.

[Ventjock]

Originally Posted by janfrn

Almost from the beginning of our education we have it drilled into us that we can't allow ourselves to become enmeshed with the people we care for. What an oxymoron that is! We're told we must maintain a professional distance and that we cannot allow our emotions to be touched by what we do. We're told it's unprofessional to cry with a patient or their family when things don't go the way we want them to. I say FORGET THAT! If we squash down our humanity and harden our hearts we lose the kernel of why we became nurses in the first place, and we lose the opportunity to truly know ourselves.... These experiences are what makes the other ones bearable.

please make the above a sticky.

[WarEagle4Life]

Yes, we are having a run in our unit. One was unexpected, a patient I'd taken care of, had gone out of our unit sitting up & interactive. He came back in a day and a half later in resp distress, "alligator rolling" all over the place. Morphine & versed had no effect. As our team was preparing to intubated, bam! asystole. They worked and worked to no avail. One boy was an oncology patient, MODS. The other was a patient we'd had on ECMO for about a month. We lost count of circuit changes, equipment changes, conventional vent to oscillator and back again. Multiple, multiple chest tubes pouring out atrocious amounts of drainage. The family refused any conversations about ceasing extraordinary means. The child coded regularly several times a shift.

We've also had a bad run of non-fatal but devastating non-accidental traumas. Doesn't that sound so much nicer that what it is? "I shook/beat the crap out of my baby" (all have been 5 months or younger). Just chaps my hide big time.

Just not a happy time for us right now.

[janfrn]

Originally Posted by Ventjock

please make the above a sticky.

Done. I added a sentence to take the place of the feel-good stuff that didn't work in a sticky. Woohoo, my very first sticky!

[irisRN]

Originally Posted by elizabells

Is anyone else having a bad run of losses at work?

So funny you said that...we havent had one in a little while on our floor, and we had 2 within 24 hours. They were chronics, we knew the day would probably come, but...it was just so weird to see the rooms empty.