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by TazziRN

Updated Aug 12, 2008 at 08:45 AM by TazziRN

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[MisterSimba]

Re: Two ends of the spectrum

That's so sad! Her mom is getting hard to deal with? I'm sure the daughter wasn't easy to deal with when she was a toddler, a teenager, etc....! That's one of the things that has been the most upsetting to me wile I'm volunteering: a lot of the really sick patients never seem to have family around! You would think that after everything they've done for their children, they could take care of their parents for a change!!!

[donster]

Re: Two ends of the spectrum

It just doesn't seem right that one lives to be a certain age and then you get dumped somewhere by apathetic adult children. Certainly, the daughter has her reasons for her (in)activity, but, GEEZ! This woman who needs her help so desperately is her MOTHER! What kind of relationship could they have had to warrant this behavior on the daughter's part? It's so sad.

[racing-mom4]

Re: Two ends of the spectrum

Ok I am prepared for the lectures about reconciling and you only have one mother etc etc etc. Trust me I have played the scenarios over and over in my head before. But fact is, I have not seen or spoke to my multi-marrying-narcissist-would sacrifice a child for her husband mother in over 10 years. I didnt cut ties in a heat of a fight, it was a well thought out end. And yes it was difficult for me cutting ties--because what daughter doesnt want a mother, I would do anything to have a mother. But I did it for the benefit of my own children. If it was just me, I would probably see her once and awhile, but I have 4 kids to protect.

So that being said---say I get a phone call one day that says mommy dearest was in an accident and has no husband and I must take her in. I would find a safe, well staffed (is there such a thing?) nursing home for her to reside in--probably in another state. And I would sleep good at night.

Now if my dear Grandma needs to move in with me and my family of 6, I would install the elevator--I would pair up kids and make them share rooms. I would do anything and have done to keep my Grandparents out of a nursing home.

The saying that gets my sister and I through the tough times of not having a mother is "God gives us two chances to have a good mother/child relationship"....I am taking full advantage of my 2nd chance with my own kids!!!

[TazziRN]

Re: Two ends of the spectrum

I should clarify......I know that there are moms who do not deserve to be moms. If this first mom was a total b-word I could understand the daughter not wanting to take care of her, but the daughter lives in the MOTHER'S house!!!! This is not a daughter who cannot stand her mother, she's mooching off her mom. I totally understand not being able to deal with a difficult dementia pt, some can get downright violent. But to not even follow up on mom's well being, to not know where she is?

[Stanley-RN2B]

Re: Two ends of the spectrum

Originally Posted by TazziRN

I should clarify......I know that there are moms who do not deserve to be moms. If this first mom was a total b-word I could understand the daughter not wanting to take care of her, but the daughter lives in the MOTHER'S house!!!! This is not a daughter who cannot stand her mother, she's mooching off her mom. I totally understand not being able to deal with a difficult dementia pt, some can get downright violent. But to not even follow up on mom's well being, to not know where she is?

Whoa, some people are passive aggressive. Mooching off of your mother can be a way to get at them. Even when you HATE your mother, you don't always want to be away from them. IT is a weird thing. My mother was Mommy Dearest and I could never cut ties completely. Thankfully age has mellowed her and we actually have a relationship.

Sometimes there is more than you can see. Ease off of the judgment a bit. The mom may deserve it... some people do.

[racing-mom4]

Re: Two ends of the spectrum

My personal mommy dearest has neighbors who adore her, and she can attract a husband in the blink of an eye. I am sure her friends pity her because she has no relationship with her grown children. I am sure in their mind it is our fault, not mothers.

Not that your patient was a bad mother. She may very well have been a great mother, good mothers can end up with rotten kids.

But we just dont know.

Hopefully she will do well in the nursing home and find the support and caring she needs.

[P_RN]

Re: Two ends of the spectrum

Mama stayed with us for several months. Then I got very sick and was hospitalized myself.

In the interim she destroyed her room, spread fecal matter everywhere. injured my pets, would not eat,hit out at my husband and daughter and wandered all over the town-neverlived here, only been in my house 3 times in 30 years.

As a last, very LAST resort my DH searched out a NH and they accepted her. I know she is safe now. I know they care for her quite well.

Guilt-yes I have some, but my heart came first-I'm afraid. My husband was faced with a decision no in-law should have to make. Mama is safe now and I am too.

The intake nurse asked him why we waited so long. He said because she was his mom in law and it was a stressful situation that got totally out of hand.

[calla2114]

Re: Two ends of the spectrum

That is nuts...we had one not that long ago. Would not allow mom to be a DNR...we tortured that woman on my unit for 4 months, hardly ever visited...finally decided to withdrawl cares...never came back, never claimed the body, just left her. So sad.

I understand that every situation is different, but if you cannot handle mom, you should not get to live in her house, and mooch off her.

[TazziRN]

Re: Two ends of the spectrum

More clarification: I do not fault her at all for not wanting Mom to come home. Dementia pts are at best, hard to deal with, and at worst are impossible. What I am having trouble wrapping my head around is the fact that she didn't even care enough to know where her mother is. I doubt it's a Mommy Dearest situation here, although I realize I do not know the family history. The daughter and her bipolar son live in Mom's house, off of Mom's social security. The daughter complained about not being able to even work, and we pointed out to her that Mom had been in a SNF for 3 months after a hip fx. The SNF staff passed on to us that Daughter Dearest hardly ever visited or called, and if she truly wanted independence that would have been the perfect time to find a job (which she admitted she never attempted) since she didn't have to stay home with Mom.

My mother and I have a love-hate relationship. We cannot spend more than a couple of hours together without fighting about something, usually my children and how horribly I'm raising them. I know I could not take her into my home because we would kill each other inside of a month. HOWEVER.....she would be taken care of and I would be very much a part of her life.

Let me make this clear: I do NOT fault people for not having anything to do with their Mommy Dearests. I do, however, have a problem with people who mooch off their parents and then abandon them.