[Poochee]

Well my Mom is visiting, again (that said with gratefulness). She is an alcoholic. She comes to visit from out of state, b/c family members, send her here to "slow down".

She doesn't outwardly look like an alcoholic. But b/c she is staying w/me, I have observed her drinking beer, and nothing else. No water, juice anything.

She coughs alot when she's asleep, and I'll be, if I didn't think for a second or two, she might be actually drowning from the fluid sounds from her chest (you know the end of life breathing, jeez). The coughing will be so bad, it wakes her, and she'll awake, and take a sip of beer to calm it down.

She has uncontolled HBP (b/c she doesn't take her meds, like she's s'pose to..Drs appt.s, refills, etc). CHF, and a hx of pneumonia.

(Goodness, this looks worser than I thought, as I type it up).

I believe she abuses alcohol, b/c she lives in guilt, b/c her youngest child is in foster care/boys home (for 3 yrs now), and she cannot keep it together enough, for him to be able to come home to a stable living enviroment. So I think she feels she should punish herself/ or not be entitled to any happiness.
I wish I could just straight forward tell her, you are killing yourself, and then what good will that be to him, or the rest of the family (and she would actually get it). She needs to know she's important.

I'm not able to transport her to AA meetings, but I am going to get her to the doctors office to get medication, for the HBP, CHF, possible pneumonia, and other things, sigh......(my nerves are bad).

I really don't know what else to do. I know in hospital settings, a nurse doesn't come out and say, hay, you have a high risk of dying, in x amt. of time, b/c of your dx + hx, and present condition. So I'm not comfortable with the idea, that I may actually scare her, thus increasing her anxiety, and inducing more drinking. So I just offer helpful information, pls drink more water, pls don't drink so much, I wince everytime she goes outside for a smoke.

I could, but cannot, just cut off her beer supply (refuse to take her to the store, not give her any money), but having been a substance abuse nurse, I know cold turkey is possibly fatal.

Goodness, I feel so responsible, if anything were to happen to her, (even though she has been here less than a week), if she were to get critically sick, how could I live with myself.

Goodness, what do I do???

TIA

[rn/writer]

Your mom is lucky to have you in her corner. But you need to take care of yourself, too. Find an Al-Anon group and share the load, kiddo. You say you were a substance abuse nurse, but it's different when it's one of your own.

Go to Al-Anon, unburden yourself, get some help with setting limits, listen to kindred spirits. Do this for yourself so you don't end up feeling burned out, dried up, and numb. Do this because you have needs, too. Parenting a parent is not an easy thing.

You have my prayers and admiration.

[carebearRN08]

It is definitely tough to see a parent going hard times; I, too, have a few alcoholics in my family, one I lived with for quite awhile and the other I've seen put his life in a deeper and deeper hole. It is not easy to stand by and watch this happen, but people with addiction problems have to be willing to help themselves (which I'm sure you know as a substance abuse nurse). Like rn/writer suggested, I hope you take care of yourself first and foremost, because who will be there to help others if we don't all help ourselves too? Also, maybe you can help your mom to get the counseling and professional help she needs.

I wish you the best and hope that things start to move in the right direction for your mom.

[xviii-xxv]

i think you and your mom need the support groups available (AA). have time to take her there. they could really help. i hope everything goes well..

[blueheaven]

I could, but cannot, just cut off her beer supply (refuse to take her to the store, not give her any money), but having been a substance abuse nurse, I know cold turkey is possibly fatal.

Goodness, I feel so responsible, if anything were to happen to her, (even though she has been here less than a week), if she were to get critically sick, how could I live with myself.

Please go get some help for your self through Al-anon!!!

[michelle126]

Been there, done that....visit Dad's grave site.

It is a disease, and illness. You are powerless over it. The only person that can get control is your mother. Not much that you can do or say. When she wants to or is forced to (gets a dui, etc) she might be able to take the first step.
Everyone drinks or abuses for a reason. (lost a job, breakup, family illness, parents might have done it, pain,,,,,) The list can go on. What makes them different from us? Brain chemistry, poor coping mechanisms....
My dad was a heavy ETOHic...withholding alcohol put him in withdraw....might not be fun to do during your visit.
Al-anon is wonderfull. It saved my mother's life. Honestly.

[nicunana]

Gee, outwardly what does an alcholic look like? I personally know of 2 nurses, a medical doctor, a psychologist, a church deacon & a retired military officer who are recovering alcoholics and very up front about it. None of them look alike and none of them look like "street people." Does your mother recognize that she is an alcoholic? If not, AA will proboably not be of much help to her. You, on the other hand would benefit greatly from Al Anon. You would learn all about being an enabler and would learn from others in similar situations how they successfully cope with an alcoholic relative. You would also learn how to minimize or eliminate inappropriate guilt you may have placed on yourself.
This is a very heartbreaking situation and one that happens in many families at every social strata. Please get the help that is available. Good luck to you and Mom!

[motorcycle mama]

I have three siblings who are addicts. Even though intellectually we understand there is no helping anyone who won't help themselves it's still agonizing to watch it go on right under your nose.

I've worried and wondered what could be done to help my bro and two of my sisters, but in the end all I can do is watch them self-destruct and I'm trying to accept there is nothing I can do. There is no happy ending to the road they're on. I hate they live with so much pain inside they have to make their physical bodies sick, too. I can already see the toll it's taking. IN the future, I see them dying of either cirrhosis of the liver, an OD, lung cancer, emphysema. I see them carrying around an O2 tank and riding a motorized w/c. It seems so obvious to me but does it never occur to them? Your mom is no doubt in a lot of internal pain, too. If you think she will respond to any amount of reason by all means give her the riot act. Show her one of the first episodes of "Celebrity Rehab" and how sick Jeff Conaway was. That was shocking and a real eye opener to see what alcohol and drugs had done to him.

[Natkat]

The bad news is your Mom doesn't drink because her youngest child is in foster care. Your Mom drinks because she's an alcoholic.

An alcoholic will look for any excuse to drink.

The good news is there is help for you. If she won't go to AA, then please do something good for yourself and go to Al-Anon. My mother was an alcoholic since before I was born. Al-Anon saved my life. The alcoholic won't stop drinking unless they want to. Nothing will change that. Nothing. It is the most heartbreaking thing about addiction. Their addiction is the most important thing to them. Sad to say, she loves her addiction more than she loves you.

Cutting off her beer supply won't work. She'll just get more. People sell their bodies on the street to pay for their addiction. If a person wants to abuse a substance they'll find a way.

Best of luck to you.

[Pretty in Ink]

I know how it feels to have an alcoholic parent. And I know how it feels to be in a career where you help people on an every day basis to get better, and for some reason, the person you care most for, your own family member you can't help. My dad is the same way. I'm not a nurse yet, I graduate in May but in my mental health class we have gone over Alcoholism and he is in the last stage. Its affecting all his organs, he developed diabetes (which he doesnt even pay attention to), he had pancreatitis, he is supposed to go get his gallbladder removed but drinks so much he forgets to go to his appointments (sometimes I think he uses it as an excuse just not to go, you know get drunk on purpose) but I'm not sure, his muscles are wasting away, he has hallucinations, he forgets he has something in the oven and leaves the house and come back and it smells like smoke....I mean...it's really bad. And there is nothing me or my mom can do about it. He refuses to go to rehab. I don't understand this country....we cant commit people even if we know they are killing themselves slowly unless they agree to being treated. How stupid is that? Anyway....I feel horrible for my mother. She has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, her blood pressure has gone up so now she has HTN too....and I truly believe its all related to the stress and pressure of living with my father. She has gone to support groups for family members of alcoholics but you know it just doesn't quit cut it when you have to deal with the every day crap you know? When he goes overboard he'll quit drinking for a week and make ammends with everyone and tell them he is going to die in 3 years (something I'm not sure is true but he claims the doctor told him that even if he quites drinking) so you know its all a cycle. The only thing that has kept me sane and away from being judgemental is realize thats my father and I love him, and I can't fix his problems, but I can be a daughter and for him I guess thats enough.