I think I have been making progress toward or met all of the goals from my mid-year review and have never even received so much as a verbal reprimand for anything at work.
I would focus on this.
Assuming your review is negative, I would look surprised (as you are), and professionally express concern that none of the items brought up have ever been addressed to you (assuming they haven't.) If they have merit, acknowledge the deficiency, and make a plan to improve. If not, get clarification on the specifics, state your understanding of the proper way to do (whatever it is) and "Can we work on a way to get more immediate feedback if there are concerns?"
Sorry you're getting a bit of what sounds like passive-aggressive stuff from your co-workers.