[goats'r'us]

i just want to share this story because i feel very worried and a little lost and alone with it.. i have discussed this with another friend, and she's given me good advice, but it's just weighing so heavily on my mind that i get tearful thinking about it.

i have a friend who's had a really rough year, and i don't think he's coping. in the space of a year, everything has changed for him - he lost a leg to osteomyelitis, had to put his studies on hold for his long and difficult recovery, and his social life has dramatically changed. whenever i speak to him he sounds so depressed and defeated and i'm getting really worried about him. whenever i speak to him, something else bad has happened, and part of me is waiting for the day that he just can't cope anymore.

this boy, i should point out, is very special to me - we dated for a while but i ended it due to us living too far apart, and i think we both sort of still carry a torch, but we're a funny mix of not close and really really close.

i just struggle to think that the brilliant boy i knew has turned into this defeated boy with so little self-worth, and i'm too far away to do much. it's the story of our friendship - we're always too far apart.

i try to always be available for him, but i just wish i could do something more concrete. i think he might need some counselling, but i know me suggesting it to him will not go down well.

i just feel so helpless, and i worry that something really bad will happen unless something shanges soon.

anyway, thanks for listening.

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bless.

[CHATSDALE]

be there as a friend some things are so bad that only time and loving friends can get you through it

[SmilingBluEyes]

Excellent advice from Dale. I am so sorry you and your friend are facing this. Just be there, is the best thing you can do.

[RealNurseWitch]

Lots of hugs to you and your friend. Best thing you can do is just be there. Lend an ear when he needs to talk. If sometimes it seems like it's been a long time since he's called, call him up and check on him, ask him how things are going. I suppose that you could, gently, suggest counseling. "You know, I've noticed that you just always seem so down. Do you think perhaps talking to a counselor might not be a bad idea?" If he gets mad and says no, just say "I'm asking because I'm concerned about you" and then kinda leave it at that.

[EricEnfermero]

Goats,

When people are trying to help a friend with issues like this, it's really common for them to think that they can't help unless they come up with a big solution. In reality, sometimes we help best just by listening.

Obviously if your friend is in danger you'll want to see professional help, but don't feel like you have to constantly play problem solver.

[veronica butterfly]

Maybe with a cheerful notecard in the mail every now and then mentioning something specific about him that will remind him of his strengths. Like.. "remember the time you did such and such" or "you were so strong when you did this", "you helped me get through my situation when you...."

When we're depressed, all the negatives just flow together and we have a hard time remembering specific strengths and qualities about ourselves. I keep a "self esteem" file at home of cards, notes about events. When I'm feeling blue it really helps to remember those specific times and people. It's great to have friends say they love you, they're there for you, etc. But to pull out specifics can help him remember things about himself.

Sorry to ramble, hope you understand what I'm saying. Blessings to your friend...

[goats'r'us]

thanks for your kind words and advice. you're all right, i do feel like i need to come up with a big solution whenever i talk to him, and i always end up feeling worried and anxious because i can't. i usually end up talking to him one night, worrying all night and the next day, then calling another mutual friendto talk it out with her. she's very wise, having gone through the same thing with a close friend of hers.
she suggested to me last night that i call the man that sort of provides maturity and keeps everyone a little bit in line where he lives, and telling him that i'm concerned, because then he has a responsibility to keep an extra eye on my friend, and he's the wise one around the place for whom suggesting counselling is part of the job.
she got me this guys number, but i sort of feel bad calling him, like i'm dobbing on my friend or something. on the one hand, it might help to have someone pay attention to him, because i think he feels a lttle invisible, but on the other hand i worry that he'd tell the student advisors at the residence. i know most of the student advisors, and i know without a shadow of doubt that they'd make things worse.

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bless