>Subject: Andy Rooney Says....
>
>1. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians.
>Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter".
>
>2. Andy Rooney on Prisoners.
>Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year
>to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece I'll take a
>few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on
>the windows.I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals.
>I
>think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and
>generate
>electricity. And, if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair
>that's hooked up to the generator.
>
>3. Andy Rooney on Fabric Softeners.
>My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that
>stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying
>under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric softeners are how
>our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring. But, it's hard to
>get that April Fresh scent out of your clothes.
>
>4. Andy Rooney on morning differences.
>Men and women are different in the morning. We men
>wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we
>want you.And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in
>the morning?" It's because we can't see you.We have no blood anywhere near
>our optic nerve.
>
>5. Andy Rooney on phone-in-polls.
>You know those shows where people call in and vote on
>different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I
>don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and They're voting "I
>don't know."Give me the phone. (Says into the phone) "I DON'T KNOW!"
>(Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you
>believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls
>for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."
>
>6. Andy Rooney on cripes.
>My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They
>use words like 'Cripes' 'For Cripes sake.' Who would that be; Jesus Cripes?
>The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it.
>You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
>
>7. Andy Rooney on Grandma.
>My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that
>says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother
>that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests.Makes you wonder where
>she
>got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
>
>8. Andy Rooney on answering machines.
>Did you ever hear one of these corny positive messages
>on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying
>it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the
>love." BEEP "
>Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being
>positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love.."
>
>9. Andy Rooney on Monica.
>Can you believe it? Monica turned 28 this week. It
>seems like only yesterday that she was crawling round the White House on
>her hands and knees.
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