[athomas91]

here's a few

don't tell an er nurse you were trying to squirt lotion up your butt because you were constipated - when we see the 8" bottle on the xray in your rectum (we know it didn't slip up there)

do not use live eels during sex - they bite

do not swallow an oscar fish on a dare - it will bristle in your throat and kill you

do not attempt to circumcise yourself - it's real ugly

i will reitterate a previous threat- don't run from police dogs - you will lose

do not insert raquetballs in your rectum - they don't come back out on their own...

a firepoker up the butt - NOT a good idea

please don't pull all your eyelashes out in front of me to convince me you are insane - it grosses me out.

believe it or not - seen these all.....learned alot!!

[ImaStork]

more things I have learned as a nurse....
The OB vacuum extractor will remove a 16 oz dr pepper bottle from a man's rectum as easy as it does a baby from a woman's vagina.

Don't bring your 13 year old to the er at 3am to have her tested for Mad Cow disease for the doc will have to explain the only clear test is to cut off said daughters head and send it to the state lab for confirmation.

Don't flirt with your friends man at the bar she will proceed to lay you out in front of everyone, even though she just got out of the hospital the day before from having a c-section.

Just because you hear a knock on your door and you have warrants for your arrest, don't assume it is the cops and swallow your whole stash of meth. The resulting tartative dyskensia makes for a great show for the nurses but freaks out your boyfriend.

[Jas honey]

"If you have a medication allergy, don't take the medication again just to see what will happen."

oh i just had to close my eyes and shake my head at myself when i read this one, i did this once with percocet. i had been taking one at a time for a day or so, and having no problems, then took two when i had worse pain and then got a big rash and terrible itching. i did suspect the percocet, but after a few days off of it, took 2 again to see what would happen. never again!!! LOL





what a dope i was.....

[Trixxy]

Imastork

[P_RN]

Never decide to hide your drug money wallet in the ceiling while you go to surgery. Hard to explain to security why you came back a week later and tried to force a patient out of bed to get it.

[RN-PA]

Originally posted by Hellllllo Nurse
I always thought those gerbil-in-the-rectum stories were urban legends.

These things really go on, huh?

Animal abuse.

I agree. I also always thought they were urban legends and if not, animal abuse.

I never could understand how you could get a small rodent in there without it biting with those sharp little teeth or that it would immediately suffocate....

Ewwwww.

Sad.


I need to step out for some fresh air.



(By the way, I'm LOVING this thread! )

[TennNurse]

If you have an IUD, try to avoid intercourse with men who have penis rings. Hoops, especially, are mightily attracted to those little strings. However, please don't take this advice to mean you should perform a quick at-home trim on your own with your nail scissors.

If you brother tells you to put BBs in your ear to see how many you can fit in there, there's nothing saying you have to do it.

Drink your beer and smoke your pot AFTER your skateboard ride/last ski run/night-time hike in the mountains. Regardless of what manner of wildlife you may encounter on your hike, it is strongly recommended that you don't "just try to see how close you can get to it"

If you see your mule in the corn crib and he's not supposed to be there, sneaking up behind him and screaming is neither the safest or most effective means of removing him from said corn crib.

You're absolutely right- aspirin IS an effective contraceptive... if you place it between your knees every morning and hold it there firmly throughout your waking hours. Sadly, neither Coke or orange juice douches can claim any contraceptive properties at all.

If you just cannot stand that "not so fresh" feeling and must douche, please keep in mind that this product is intended for a single use only.

If you have been having frequent unprotected sex and have noticed you haven't had a period in a while, pregnancy is a strong possibility. Additionally, if you don't know who the father is, asking your nurse if she knows is unlikely to provide any answers.

The "that's my story and I'm sticking to it" defense may be a time-honored one, but claims of virginity uttered repeatedly in the face of a positive hcg tend to fall on deaf ears.

Noxema is recommended for relief of mild sunburn pain, but it will NOT help your yeast infection. I know it burns down there, but it's just not the same kind of burn.

Exchanging mouth-to-mouth kisses with a parrot is seldom a good plan, especially when you have previously acknowledged that said parrot does not like you.

Allowing your new adult python to become acquainted with you by sniffing your hands, redolent with the scent of raw chicken, almost never has good results.

Cows may be domesticated, but very few have really had adequate training under saddle. Even fewer have ever expressed a desire to jump fences, and their enthusiasm tends to be further dampened by the presence of a passenger.

When you attempt to top off your gas tank and turning your little gas can upside down produces only a couple of drops come out, the safest assumption is that it is empty. Please do not verify this by trying to see the inside of the can with a lighter.

When leaving the hospital with your newborn, please remember: a duffel bag is no substitute for an approved car seat.

If, when you present to L&D, you have pre-medicated yourself with Xanax, pot, left-over prescription cough suppressants, or any combination thereof "to take the edge off", this definitely falls under the heading of "Information We Need"

Most importantly, when your inebriated friends utter such phrases as "Hey, y'all watch this!" a prudent pal will recognize these as rather famous last words.

[LisaRN2B]

Originally posted by TennNurse
If you just cannot stand that "not so fresh" feeling and must douche, please keep in mind that this product is intended for a single use only.

OMG! YUCK! 'Nuff said.

[nursemouse]

Your nurse and her colleagues are NOT Satanic priests and priestesses who are going to sacrifice you at dawn and then eat your heart.

Taking six aspirins and showing up in ER with an overdose because you broke up with your girlfriend does not garner you much sympathy.

Thank you so much for this thread! I can't stop reading! Nursemouse.

[pwp1289]

boy was this teenager sorry------never masturbate using a pizza dough kneader!!!!!!!!!