[sprtbikegrlsv65]

The following statements about the Bible were written by children.

They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has

been left in). That's the best part - enjoy!



1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating

the world, so he took the Sabbath off.



2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called

Joan of Ark.



3. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.



4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble

with the unsympathetic Genitals.



5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel

like Delilah.



6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.



7. Moses let the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened

bread which is bread without any ingredients.



8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses

went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.



9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.



10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.



11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the

Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.



12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to

stand still and he obeyed him.



13. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with

the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.



14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.



15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the

Magna Carta.



16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found

Jesus in the manager.



17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.



18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.



19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others

before they do one to you. He also explained, a man doth not live by

sweat alone.



20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get

the tombstone off the entrance.



21. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.



22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.



23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.



24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which

is another name for marriage.



25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.



From: "The Complete Nonstandard Bible" from the book "Fractured

English" by Richard Lederer (©1996)

_________________________________________________



WHAT IS LOVE?



A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4-8 year

olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper

than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:



"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her

toenails anymore so my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when

his hands got arthritis too. That's love." Rebecca - age 8.



"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know

that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4



"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and

they go out and smell each other." Karl - age 5



"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries

without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy - age 6



"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4



"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before

giving it to him, to make sure the taste is okay." Danny - age 7



"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing,

you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are

like that. They look gross when they kiss." Emily - age 8



"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening

presents and listen." Bobby - age 7



"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who

you hate." Nikka - age 6



"There are two kinds of love, Our love. God's love. But God makes both

kinds of them." Jenny - age 8



"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it every

day." Noelle - age 7



"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends

even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6



"During my piano recital I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all

the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only

one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." Cindy - age 8



"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me

to sleep at night." Clare - age 6



"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine - age 5



"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is

handsomer than Brad Pitt." Chris - age 7



"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes

and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 5



"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars

come out of you." Karen - age 7



"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean

it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age 8

[jnette]

OMG, these were a RIOT !!! Whoooooooooooooooooot !!!!

Too funny... absolutely too funny !!!