These were sent to me in an email so I thought I would share them....
A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her
>baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab,
>lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I
>noticed that there are several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
>At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an
>elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big
>breaths,"I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the
>patient.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
>One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife
>that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarction.
>Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of
>the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart. "
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
>I was performing a complete physical, including the visual
>acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and
>began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line
>perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I
>requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top
>line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he
>was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to
>finish the exam.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
>During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he
>informed his doctor that he was having trouble
>with one of his medications. "Which one?", asked the doctor. "The patch.
>The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running
>out of places to put it!"
>The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped
>he wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the
>instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a
>new one.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
>While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,
>"How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete
>confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband
>was alive."
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
>I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's
>your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the
>Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.
>I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled
>"KY Jelly."
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
>And of course, the best is saved for last:
>The Surgeon's Note.
>A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman
>with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a
>variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was
>quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
>scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the
>operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green,
>and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."
>Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note
>on the patient's dressing, which said "Sorry, had to mow the
>lawn".
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