[Farkinott]

HAVE YOU GOT WHAT IT TAKES TO JOIN THE PUBLIC SERVICE?

Welcome to this year's public service exam.

I see that all of you have been able to find yourself a seat and desk
so obviously you've got what it takes to be public servants.

Should you pass this exam and become a member of the public service,
you will enjoy not only the esteem and envy of all your friends but
also a unique package of fringe benefits, including:
* An early retirement scheme which allows you to retire while still
turning up for work
* flexitime which enables you to decide when you don't want to work at
work and when you don't want to work away from work
* free use of government stationery (this has been facilitated by the
introduction of eight-items-or-less lanes as you leave the building.

I must at this stage warn all examinees that anyone found cheating or
copying from their neighbour's paper will be automatically assigned to
Parliament - regardless of whether they fail the intelligence test ...
but..... ESPECIALLY if they fail the intelligence test..

MATHEMATICS:

Please answer the following question in the spaces provided on your
answer sheet.

If you went to lunch at 12 noon and came back to work at 2:30pm how long
have you had for lunch?
The answer of course is half an hour.

For those who failed the math test, you may still be eligible to become
Mr Howard's tax policy adviser.

MULTIPLE CHOICE:

1. If you are about to take your lunch break and a female member of the
general public comes to the counter with an enquiry, you should address
her by saying:

a) Can I help you, madam?
b) Can I help you, miss?
c) What can I do you for, mate?
d) How's tricks, doll-face?

The correct answer is 'none of the above'. This is a trick question. If
you are about to take your lunch break, you shouldn't talk to her at
all.

2. A member of the general public calls with a complaint and you realize
that the file on this matter has been lost. You should say:

a) We are looking into the matter
b) Can I get back to you on this one?
c) The matter has been referred to another committee
d) I haven't had a chance to look into it yet.

The correct answer is none of the above. You should tell them they have
the wrong telephone extension.

SPELLING:

Spell the following words

a) Tea
b) Sickie
c) Lunchbreak
d) Go-slow

This is the end of the examination. Please sign your exam paper
illegibly and pass it to those collecting them, while denying that you
have ever seen or heard anything about it.

GUIDE TO PERFORMANCE APPRAISALS:

GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS = Able to bullshit
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS = Spends a lot of time on the phone
AVERAGE EMPLOYEE = Not too bright
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED = Made no major blunders yet
WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY = Too ugly to get a date
ACTIVE SOCIALLY = Drinks a lot
FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY = Spouse drinks too
INDEPENDENT WORKER = Nobody knows what he/she does
QUICK THINKING = Offers plausible excuses
CAREFUL THINKER = Won't make a decision
AGGRESSIVE = Obnoxious
USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS = Gets someone else to do it
EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELL = Speaks English
METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL = A nit picker
HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES = Is tall or has a loud voice
EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGEMENT = Lucky
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR = Knows a lot of dirty jokes
CAREER MINDED = Back Stabber
LOYAL = Can't get a job anywhere else