[laugh]

PEDIATRICS
Vol.89 No.6
June 1992

Most Interesting Chief Complaints
- Drank the dog’s milk - from the dog’s nipple
- Needs a circumcision beacause his tonsild/adenoids are so big
- Can’t find baby’s birthmark
- Placed tooth under pillow - now lodged in right ear
- Piece of bologna string hanging from anus
- Problem with his manlihood
- Baby is afraid of his hands
- Needs anus muscles checked - has been straining
- Sprayed hairspray all over bathroom - then threw up from smell

Suspicious - Sounding Chief Complaints
- Fell out of infancy
- Lump down his tentacle
- Needs a mental extraction
- Romantic fever
- Cereal palsy
- Sick as hell anemia
- Scrap throat
- Swollen asteroids

Questions Asked
- Hello, I would like to schedule an emergency.
- Does St. Christopher’s carry breast milk?
- May I speak to Mr. Dimetapp?
- My baby can’t breathe. What time can I bring her in?
- Is it alright for a 2 year old to fly if he’s constipated?
- Is there such a thing as a birth control vibrator?
- My little girl kissed a dead chicken. Should I bring her in?
- Should a 5 year old be wiping his own butt?

Other Amazing Things Said by Parents
Nurse: How do you know he has a stomachache-he’s only 2 months old?”
Mother: “Because a lady who had her period held him on her stomach”.
--
Doctor, to mother of child drinking soda and eating candy “That isn’t a good idea for a child with his problem.”
Mother - “Well, I certainly don’t want my child vomiting on an empty stomach!”
--
Doctor: ”What kind of convulsions has he had in the past?”
Mother: ”Oh, he vomits once and then runs around the house chasing the cat”.
--
Doctor: ”Give him 3 baby aspirins every 4 hours for the fever”.
Mother: ”I would but my other 2 kids ate the bottle of aspirin at home this afternoon”.
--
Mother of a 12 year old girl with abdominal pain: ”I don’t think it’s the you-know-what. She ain’t a virgin yet”.
--
Nurse: ”How did you hurt your leg?”
Boy: ”I was break dancing last night and I think the break broke me”.
--