[SmilingBluEyes]

I will never forget a few years back, having a poorly-controlled TYPE I diabetic come to the hospital in acidosis. Her respers were about 40 a min! Anyhow, she had gone and spent a (rare in Seattle) 90 degree day outside, not having eaten much good for her, just junk food, and having drunk even LESS H20 when she came to be ill and passed out at the picnic 2 hours away from the nearest facility (ours of course). She had been fully documented as extremely non-compliant throughout her life and pregnancy by her home doctor, and we all groaned when we saw her faxed prenatal record as well as her horrible physical condition. Her sugars were ridiculous.

Anyhow, upshot is, she comes to us very, very sick and yes, her 39 week fetus very, very dead. It was beyond sad. She was mostly incoherent and therefore, unaware of even losing her baby until some time after she was delivered. She regained her senses about 2 days later. I will never forget the mournful wailing coming from her room when her doctor and family told her the sad, sorrowful news. The whole family was in shock and beyond sad. They had to suffer witnessing this loss, and then relive it all over again as they told her what had transpired. It was without a doubt, one of the saddest cases I have ever seen in my career. Her baby, a perfectly formed 8 pound baby girl, lie still in our nursery, unseen by her mother the whole day she was there, because of her mother's grave condition. We had to send her to the morgue, unseen by her mother, until the funeral.Her poor father, held her lifeless body, crying over her loss, and also, worried sick over the condition of his very ill wife. I felt so deeply sad for that poor guy. No one should have to endure such a horrible thing.

I guess I relay this story to convey I know how you feel. How to cope? I do not know---nothing about cases like this make sense to us at times. I felt bald resentment and fury at this mom, to be sure. What she had lost due to her noncompliance! What her parents, husband and inlaws had to endure! So senseless!!!!! So damned selfish too! So much suffering in the wake of her actions.

But also I could not help but feel deep sorrow and sadness for her. The conflict in emotions was crazy. In the end, the empathy for her won over my anger at the wasted life I saw slip away that day. I just can't sit in judgement too long in such cases as I just am not walking in their shoes. Would this gal do things differently, if she had the chance? Given her sorrow, I like to think so. But my heart goes out to her and her family in this loss that to this day, must haunt them so terribly.


There "ain't no magic" to this at all. You feel what you feel. What you are doing here, venting, is smart and helpful.But if this continues to upset you, don't stop here. Talk to well trusted colleagues, friends, family, or even therapist, if need be, to work it out. Just do not let it eat you up inside. Such cases will haunt your soul if you let them. You have to learn to let some of this stuff go and sort of adopt a philosophy of "what will be, will be" to survive in times like this. Just respect your feelings enough not to bottle them up, if at all possible and be extra kind to yourself when situations like this upset you in your career.

Anyhow that is my less than 2 cents here.

[m0m2boys]

All I can offer is a simple hug and a been there and know how much it sucks.

LF

[AliRae]

[[[redhedgoddess]]] I hate this part of our jobs. Unfortunately, working in hospitals, we get to see amazing things, but we also get to see the times when miracles run short. I cry all the way home every single time I lose a patient, and I never want that to change. I'm glad this family had you to take care of their little one in whatever ways you could, and I'm sure they'll come to treasure the keepsakes you were able to put together for them.

[shearernurse]

As the old cliche goes "I know how you feel." What did you do to get over it, any insight might help.

Thanks
shearernurse

[SmilingBluEyes]

I think the key here is, you never get over it. To expect you will is setting yourself up for a high standard that is simply not possible to achieve for most of us.

What you do do, is, You "get on with it". You learn some things happen for no apparent reason, that are tragic. You cope in varying ways. You talk to friends/collegues. You pray, if inclined, for that family or for strength for yourself. You exercise. You meditate. You take a couple days to recoup and regroup. You love yourself extra tenderly while you are feeling acutely bad emotions about such situations.

Then as the saying goes, "you get back on the horse and ride again". That, after 10 years doing OB nursing, is what I do, to help get on with my career and life in such horrid situations.

[aprilmelissa24]

Does anyone know of any articles that I can share with the staff on our antepartum unit about helping patients cope with fetal demise?

[Nur_1996]

Im on this site almost every day, just usually reading, only once and a while posting. But I feel so strongly about this post, I must reply. As a mother and a diabetic and a nurse. It is not our job to judge others behaviors, we are there to do our job as a nurse. I lost a son at 23 weeks in utero 16 years ago, ( I was not diabetic then) The autopsy came out with no abnomilies, I wanted a answer.. I could'nt find one, I did all the right things. I went on to have 2 healthy sons in the next couple years. With the support of the nurse who took care of me, she also lost a baby the year before, and support group for early infant loss. It is called "SHARE" it is national, and gives support to parents dealing with infant loss, could also be helpful to the caregivers as well.

I also like what some of the other posters said about cultural differences and language barriers, that may have played a part, in this as well.

[Nur_1996]

Here is that website for the "SHARE" support group. www.nationalshareoffice.com

[alaskabound]

my thoughts exactly. without some serious investigating, its WAY too easy to blame and point fingers. Im not saying that she had the right to be non-compliant with her diabetes and ect. in fact i have strong beliefs as to when life actually begins and that preg mom should be held responsible when found guilty of what i would call negligent infanticide.

Im really sorry this happened to you. My heart goes out to you. I myself saw a HORRIBLE delivery for my very first student nurse experience. I quit that day, but my dedicated teacher told me to "buck it up" and get back in there. I still need to here those words sometimes again! lol

anyways, lets say that she was totally noncompliant and just made some crap choices. now a baby is dead. some people do not value life like you do. you cannot force anybody to make a commitment to anything. She may in fact come back and do all the same crap again. SO, how would are YOU going to be the BETTER NURSE? guessing and complaining on how terrible SHE is wont make you better. How can you teach your patients that satisfies the requirement in YOUR OWN EYES?? How can you improve you assessment skills, people skills, ect based on this tragedy. please do NOT take this as me telling you you did anything at all wrong.

Maybe we can find a way to make this little baby;s life a legacy. Maybe her short time in utero will help you to be a better nurse for hundreds more babies in the future? Maybe you can help to save the next one that comes around? (assuming mom wants her baby to live.)

Good luck, and YOU sharing the tragedy alone I bet has already begun that baby's legacy in helping rekindle some passion in US.

[RNmama05]

post deleted