[OHmom2boys]

Hi, I'm a 36 yr old mother to two teen boys. I found out I was pregnant with twins in late April....I thought I was around 8 wks when ultrasound was done, doc said 10 wks.
Anyway, I was terrified, thrilled, excited, overjoyed, confused...just about every emotion possible, I think I felt. Finally, as I entered my second trimester the fear of miscarriage subsided somewhat. I started telling people, buying things for the babies, planning a new edition to my home for the babies, looking at SUV's.....

Then on Wednesday, June 9th, at 17 wks I lost them. I don't know why.

For a couple days before the miscarriage I felt like crap. Just drug down...figured it was my age and the TWO babies draining my energy. I had some mild lower back pain and slight diarrhea. Called doc and was told not to worry. Woke on Monday morning and my underwear were wet...not soaked, just a little wet..figured I may have just coughed hard during my sleep...afterall TWO babies were pushing on my bladder now. Had some dampness in my underwear that day and just figured I was leaking urine. NOW I know I should have insisted on seeing my doc. I just didn't feel right. But I was afraid I was being paranoid because of the instant status of 'high risk' pregnany d/t my age and for being preg with twins.

On my way to work on Wed morning I started to cramp. Just some mild cramping.... I went to the hospital and it was all down hill from there. By 6pm they were gone. I still don't have a clear answer as to why.

Now everyone is calling me asking me why. Geez, I don't even know why. I remember getting demerol for pain and a drip of something or another. They were already gone when I delivered. I believe I was given pitocin to cause delivery.....or maybe it was after delivery...I don't remember. Does that sound right? Or am I wrong? I was so out of it I really don't remember.

I'm tired of hearing "Why didn't you go to the doc before?" or "Was there something wrong with the babies?" I DON"T KNOW! At my last appt on May 26 the doc said they looked great through U/S....I saw their little hearts just beating away. Now I can't get the picture of their little spines, their little arms and legs moving, their heads and their hearts beating out of my head. I never even got to feel them move inside me.

I nearly lost a son to a drowning a few years ago.....this is almost as bad even though I didn't even get a chance to know these precious angels. I just wish I knew what happened. And I REALLY wish people would leave me alone. I know they mean well, but it's killing me inside.

Even if no one has any ideas or replies, thanks so much for reading this. How can I tell people in real life these things when I don't even know the answers myself?

Thanks again,
Kim

[ERNurse752]

I don't have any answers for you, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm very sorry. People can ask a lot of insensitive questions, and it all boils down to it's none of their business.

You can always look back and second guess every little thing you did, but chances are nothing would have made a difference, and you'll drive yourself crazy in the process.

I don't know much about OB, but if your membranes ruptured at 17 weeks, even if you had gone to your doctor earlier, I don't think there would have been a good outcome.

Does the hospital you go to have a bereavement program for people in your situation?

[canoehead]

It was nothing you did, things just happened too soon, and no one knows why.

People can be so insensitive. On top of all the stress you are going through this all will bring back such tender feelings about when your son died. They say losses like that never really heal, you just get through them.

I did a quick search for sites that might help. I'm sure some of our OB nurses will have more information for you.

http://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/main4.htm
http://www.inciid.org/mismanl.html
http://www.bornangels.com/

[2ndgenerationnurse]

i lost my first baby, very bad Dr., went on the pill as a newly wed, and ended up diagnosed pregnant too late. it was the middle of the night and i had been told to go to bed and hope the labor pain passes, i held the tiny limp body of my child, face a way from me and let go of it in the fright of having such a tiny thing in my hand that shouldn't be, it slid down the toilet and was gone but not forgotten. i almost died b/c the dr. didn't even do a d&c and i kept hemeoraging at home with fever and chills as my young husband tried to care for me through the next night. i ended up meeting the OBGYN that delivered my next two children in the ER and after 4 pints of blood i recovered physically. 24+ yrs and i still feel guilty, like if i had only known then what i know now then i would have 5 kids instead of four and maybe even a son, i have only dtrs. (i teach my daughters better)

but i have come to understand that someday i will meet this little soul i carried for too short a time and get to really know him/her in heaven. and after all, our little ones have been spared the sorrows of this earth, they got to leave this place still innocent and new and never having to experience some of the horrorable things life can bring to light. we are the only ones hurting, they are in peace and safety.

try to give a bit of grace to those asking stupid questions.... they are searching just like you, for answers to questions that we will never find here.... but most importantly they are trying to reach out to you... but don't know what to say and so they struggle to say something; and after all it is better than saying nothing. that is what i dealt with, no one even asked... i was left to deal with my loss feeling that no one even wanted to remember that my baby was real and valid.

God holds our babies in the palm of His hands and he will bring us peace if we trust Him to let our babies know we are here waiting to hold them too. then we must go about living the way God would have us live and we will indeed see them, they are gone from here but will never be forgotten by HIM.

God bless you and your family
coral

[imenid37]

I am so sorry for your loss Kim. I don't know why, but I do know you loved these little ones and you're hurting very much. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[rn500]

Kim, I am an OB nurse and I can reassure you that based on the events you described, there was not a thing you could have done. The fact is that premature labor is just not very well understood. Occasionally there is a clear reason why it happened, but usually there is not. At 17 weeks, it would not have mattered if you had been standing IN the doctors office when your water broke, there isn't anything that could be done. I have not experienced a pregnancy loss so far along, so I won't tell you I know how you feel. But I have taken care of quite a few women that have had similar experiences as you, and the truth is there is no easy way to get through it. I'm sorry that you have to put up with the comments of ignorant people, but know in your heart that you did nothing wrong, and - hard as this is to accept - it just *happened* through no ones fault. They were real babies, you loved them, and they are safe now in the palm of God's hand. Don't let anyone make you believe differently.

God bless you, and take care of yourself.
Linda

[Energizer Bunny]

(((((((((((Kim)))))))))))) I'll say some prayers that you are able to heal both physically and emotionally from this tragedy.

[Mandarella]

I am so sorry. I believe that is one of the most unimaginable pains, I am praying for you. HUGS

[SmilingBluEyes]

(((((((((((Kim)))))))))))))) i have lost 4 pregnancies in the past 2 years, so I can feel your pain. If there is ANYthing I can do, ANY way I can be of help, do not hesistate to ask me or PM me. I will do whatever I can. I am so sorry for your loss, so very sorry. My heart breaks for you. Gentle hugs.

[moondancer]

Oh, Sweetie, I am sooo sorry for your loss. I, too, know the pain of miscarriage. As well, I am an OB/NICU RN. I can only re-iterate what the other nurses have told you. There was absolutely nothing you could've done. At 17weeks it is just too early. And there is no answer to the question "why". We have all tortured ourselves with that question, but rest assured, it is nothing you did, or anything you could've prevented.
My MIL actually had the nerve to ask me "what I had done", when I had my 1st miscarriage! I don't understand what gets into some people! At this point all I could think to say is "it was God's will....".
Take care of yourself, allow yourself time to grieve, and know your babies are in heaven....little angels.