[m0m2boys]

First of all I want to give you big hugs for having to deal w/ such an emotional situation. I have only been doing l&d for a few yrs and no matter what the gestation of the demise I wail like a child. I don't always do this in front of the pt, but just getting it out helps me feel better. Full term demises are the worst and I wish I could say that I have never had one, but that is not realistic. My last demise when taking pics of the baby, I took an extra copy just for me. The family was in such denial they did not want to hold the baby, see the baby or even talk about him. This was very hard for me, so I took a pic of him to remember him by, since I felt his parents weren't mourning over him. Long story short......everyone mourns differently. I happen to wear my heart on my sleeve. This particular circumstance the family tried to pretend nothing was even going on. As long as you show the family you care, offer them places to receive support and perform nursing duties for the mom I don't think there is a right or wrong way of doing things.
If this is still bothering you see if your hospital has bereavement counseling for staff.

*LF*

[SmilingBluEyes]

I remember my first year (10 years ago) in OB and my first demise was about 1 month into my new job. I cried my eyes out, carrying that little baby into the nursery. I was not ashamed (nor am I now ever) to cry in such cases. I will hug patients/families and am geniune and real in expressing how I feel for them. I have experienced losses myself, so it sometimes brings it all back to me, in a painful way that is sharp and breathtaking. Yet it helps me be "real" when I do get involved in the care of people experiencing such sadness in their lives. Just be yourself----never be ashamed you are sad in such cases. Stoicism is highly over-rated in this case. That is not to say to make it about YOU-----but to be there and be available and yes, cry with these families, if you feel the need, shows your capacity for empathy and compassion and will be appreciated by them, much more so than if you came across as cold, clinical, even if competent. Trust me on this.

It will never get "easier" but you will gain skills in coping with these sad losses. Just give it time and do your best. Don't be afraid to lean on colleagues if you need to, in times like these. We all understand how you feel.

[eandgsma]

Thank you all so much for your understanding and advice. I feel much better about my reaction. I now know that my reaction was completely normal and expected.

Thanks again!!!


- N

[LaborLovinRN]

Fetal demises' never get any easier, you can never fully be emotionally prepared as every family and experience is different. I don't think there has ever been a demise that hasn't made me cry for one reason or another. Whether it is for a family who is devasted about the loss and doesn't want to let their baby go, or the crack addict mom who doesn't care/want to hold their child as his/her heart slowly stops beating, it always get to me.

I have cried as I held someone's else's tiny angel (because they would not) who was not viable but still had a beating heart, not wanting that child to die being all alone. Every human deserves to feel valued and loved no matter how old they are. I have experienced that situation twice, and I never want to do it again.

One other isolated situation that absolutely broke my heart was a full term demise, a beautiful baby girl. The parents were in total denial that their baby would not be born alive. After I delivered the baby and put her up on moms chest as she had asked, she tried to give her baby mouth-to-mouth breathing thinking she could bring her back to life. I cried and dreamed about that one for weeks after. I will never forget the anguish and pain I could feel from those parents, it wasn't like any other I have experienced.

Okay...enough, sorry I started to ramble. I am just very passionate about taking care of my demise families because I have personally experienced several losses myself and can relate to what they are going through. A caring and compassionate nurse can make all the difference.