[at your cervix]

Pt comes in, ask her what brought her in today, she says that MD checked her in the office and then she had some spotting so she thinks that her "mucous cord broke".

Checked a pt, she was 4 cm-primip. Her mother starts having a freak out fit and says that I need to call the doctor right away. I ask why, she says "because all of my babies were born when I was only dilated to 5 cm." BTW, pt ended up with c section for failure to progress at 8 cm several hours later.

Pt came in at 30 weeks in "labor" for the 6th time in 3 weeks, cervix was thick and closed and she told me that the last time she was in she was crowning when she came in but the nurse pushed the head back in and told her to go home. (cool new treatment for ptl!!)roll BTW, this pt also had c section at full term for failure to progress-I guess whe should push those heads up there more often!

Pt called MD and said that she had some bleeding after she had a BM. MD said that it sounded like some rectal bleeding, maybe from hemmroids and it was a very small amt so she didn't need to worry about it. Pt then said "it isn't coming from that hole, it is coming from, you know the other hole." MD replied "you mean your vagina." Pt says "well, yeah, I think so, but I'm not sure." Pt had said that it was a little bit of blood on the tissue so MD told her it was probably not a problem, told pt to watch for heavier bleeding and see her in the office on monday (this was a saturday afternoon). The pt said "are you sure?" The MD does not like it when people ask her if she is sure so she said "You don't know your butt from your vagina and YOU are asking ME if I'M sure?" Pt sent her flowers on monday with a card that said hope you had a good weekend!

Come on, I know that you all have some good ones to share with the rest of us!!!!

[ShandyLynnRN]

hmmm, let's see.....

Had a CNA talk about the patients "fungus" instead of fundus.

The other night had a pt with High BP's and the doc was at the bedside checking a BP... pt was supposed to be on her side, and was only tilted slightly... doc said "are you on your side?".. meaning ofcourse "turn all the way on your side", and the patient just got a funny look on her face, turned to her mother and said "mom?" like she didnt know if she was on her side or not!!!

I always love "I THINK I'm in labor"

PTL's denying recent intercourse.... sperm in the fern test.

"I think I'm in labor.... This is my boyfriend, and this is his wife. Yes, they are both going to stay with me"

"the father of my baby will be here for the delivery, but right now he is down the hall with his girlfriend because she is having a baby too"

[ShandyLynnRN]

oh, and I will never forget....

A friend and I were once discussing the use of tampons vs. pads. She said, "I can't believe anyone would use those!!! I mean, how could you pee?" when I gave her a funny look and asked what she meant, she said, "well, wouldnt it get all soaked up with pee before it was of any use?". Come to find out she didnt realize that the vagina and urethra were two separate places!!!! This was my friend that was a CNA getting ready for nursing school!!! LOL

[CAprisonRN]

my patients are definitely not the brightest, but one time an inmate refused to have a skull x-ray stating on the refusal form, "I graduated from high school, so I ain't stupid. I don't need an x-ray to see if I have a brain"

[RNMom1969]

Here's one for ya!
Had a pt just 2 nights ago.....G4 in active labor. Was going through her prenatal hx with her and she told me "not to worry, this will be a breeze". I told her I was glad to hear that, for her sake. She proceeded to inform me that with her last child, she went to 12!! cm. I sure must have had a funny look on my face! She continued on to explain that she went to 10 plus 2, for a total of 12 I was about to explain "station" to her, but it was just too funny at that moment to continue on!
Joyce

[bagladyrn]

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this one here before, but one of my favorites was the woman who, as I put on a glove which tore as I donned it, looked at her husbandand said "Oh look honey - just like the condom!" Poor hubby was looking for a chair to crawl under!

[tattooednursie]

one of my dementia patients once said " Ive got this one arm that is really hurting me" I said "which one" the answer I got was "I think its all three of them"

and once a resident was yelling at the top of her lungs and I say "and what is all this yelling for?" "My throats just a killin me." "Well could that be from all of the yelling?" and then she was like "I was yelling because your so stupid and won't answer my call light" She didnt have her call light on!!!!! lol.

and just today I had a resident say to me " I bet your whole family's got double chins"

and I had a residnet call me a "cock-eyed son of a ***** ****" ahem, pardon my french . . . .

I've had a male patheint ask me to play with his "pretrified pecker line" (catheter) I was all like "NOOOOOOOO" I was as red as a tomato because that was on my first day on the floor! I was mortified.

[tattooednursie]

that was in a LTC facility by the way . . . I dont have any OB stories to share.

[indynurse]

I like when my PP pts ask for Tylex instead of Tylox for pain.

After I instructed one of my pts on how to use a surgigator, she proclaimed she didn't need hubby anymore. He overheard us and said he knew this would happen. It was all I could do not to burst out laughing until I got out of there.

I had one pt who asked that I write in capitol letters on her discharge instruction form "NO SHOVELLING SNOW!" Seemed reasonable, so I did it and told her if hubby had any questions, he could call me. I got that couple back a couple of years later and the mom remembered me and had me write "NO MOWING THE LAWN!" this time.

[ShandyLynnRN]

prob a dumb question... what's a surgigator?