[DutchgirlRN]

Originally Posted by elkpark

Dutchgirl, I'm delighted that you're been married so long, have survived some challenges together, and are happy with your situation. However, that doesn't mean that your choices are the best choices for everyone

I never implied that my choices are the best choices for everyone, simply that giving up is not always the answer.

The reality is that ~50% of US marriages end in divorce, and I, for one, am not prepared to assume that all those people are making the wrong decision ...

And I, for one, am not prepared to assume that all those people are making the right decision...

We all have an opinion

[danissa]

Smoking crops up on this site often, the issues surrounding it and the effects on all who do it or witness/endure it. I just want to throw my two penny worth in here.

All my young life, I was anti smoking. Never when my kiddos were wee, would I allow a smoker or an ashtray in my home. When I was 27 yrs old, for the first time in my life, I smoked a cigarette. Couldn't even do it right, and it made my eyes water and my hay fever wheeze.. but, hey, perseverance!
I was around the "right" people, at a bad time in my life, my daughter was ill and needed surgery, I was a student midwife, my hubs was getting it on with a far less stressed version of myself! Hey..along come the ciggies..and wow stress relief! Something to do with your hands..(other than holding a knife and inserting it into the aforementioned husband distraction!)..(oh and the hubby!!!!)

So, here I find myself, all these years later...a stinky smoker! OMG..I hate the smell, but I love the ciggies! Still with the hubster, yes we worked through his "Neglect!!!" issues, (hey what a bad madwife!), but am an addict to the fags!

To go back to what I was before, a non smoking smell free mammy, in a minute, i would do it. But it's so hard. Guess I'm just trying to put across an opposite view of why do this thing thats so destructive. If you are nagged into giving up, you will do it more..that I know for sure. If you are nagged by the person who you FEEL drove you to it in the first place, you WILL do it more! Every single time my hubs moans that I smoke, I guess i light up another, it's perverse, I KNOW it hurts him, but in the end, it's hurting me more.

Just a thought, from a wee chimney!

[Dr.Nurse2b]

Originally Posted by LiverpoolJane

Reading this I am torn between two trains of thought.
First it may be your wife has a very low opinion of herself - the wt gain - not being able to conceive - the fact that it would appear she doesn't seem to care about the fact she smells of stale smoke etc. Would you consider spending some quality time with your wife to let her know you care about her - a surprize night away / day out or some vouchers for a spa pamper day? If she sees you are making an effort towards her she may realise that you have her interests at heart and may give her the opportunity to reflect on her own thoughts toward herself / your marriage?

My second thought is that your wife wants to split - either consciously or subconsciously - but is going down the route of pushing you to the limit so you're the one that walks away.

Most people who have been through divorce regret it and wish they had tried harder to save the marriage - it may end in a split but at least you should try everything in your power to try and prevent it so as you have no regrets later.

I hope you can come to terms with whatever happens.

Jane

These are great ideas...

She recently received a gift certificate to the salon...the best in the area...and it has been on the fridge for three months now.

It seems as long as I lay off the smoking...stop "badgering" we're fine. I love her very much...I guess I need to stop complaining about the butts or....or I'll lose her.

I think the schooling may be wearing on both of us...

[CITCAT]

Originally Posted by Sal_B

You may have hit at least one nail on the head...the problem here is I have switched off... In 1998 I was accepted into several programs and failed to even start... So this time around I have declared that nothing will stand in my way of completing my degree. When I say nothing I mean...if you get in the way then I have no use for you and unfortunately my wife has gotten in my way a few times and I expressed this. I have two years to earn my BSN and the little things are getting to me...smoking, squeezing the toothpaste in the middle, leaving laundy all over. I need complete stability and structure in order to function ...perhaps I need therapy myself.

sal Why are you allowing your wifes problem become yours? Set some ground rules no smokin in house, she will quit when shes ready give her a break man Love unconditionally,get some counselling and if you can handle it stop playing x smoker its annoying you know wha I mean .Speak the truth and the truth will set ya free

[Kim O'Therapy]

Dear Sal,

I just wanted to wish you the best of luck with your situation. In May, I will be a senior in a BSN program. The stress and lack of sleep has changed me to a certain degree. I will come home some days and pick apart my husband and two children as soon as I walk through the door. Why isn't this cleaned up......has anyone let the dogs out.....yada yada yada. Since starting school, I have tried to live a healthier lifestyle and sometimes feel sabotaged by my husband, who is content with McDonalds every night. I see where you are coming from; however, as an 11 year ex-smoker, there is another view.

You both smoked when you first married and although you both agreed to quit, some things are easier said than done. I probably "quit" 100 times before I actually stopped smoking. If my husband had ever indicated that he cared for me less d/t my smoking or weight (I gained wt after I stopped smoking); my self-esteem would have plummeted and I probably would have smoked/eaten even more.

It sounds like you guys need some "date" time. My husband and I have been married 17 years and we still HAVE to make time for each other or else we start bickering and picking at each other. Of course, with him working and me attending nursing school, this is very difficult to do. When we start thinking "this isn't the person I married", we probably mean "this isn't the person I dated". Remember when you dated and it was always fun? Once married, that changes.....work, school, kids, responsiblities, life changes. Look for that girl and let her know how much you love her and the odds are; she'll return the love. I wish you all the best and hope that things may be patched up for you guys.

P.S. She should still clean up the butts.