[namaste_71]

I do know that healing is possible and managing symptoms becomes easier as time goes on. I know that I am getting in trouble when I start comparing my life to others who seem to have it all. The most important thing I do for myself it to remember that my path is valid and I am doing the very best that I can and to be grateful for all that I have done and achieved.

The key word in that sentence is "seem." When I catch myself doing this, I remind myself that those who "seem to have it all" may, in fact, have very little that brings them joy. We never know what is going on inside another's heart, home or head.

As a support person for someone with PTSD and dissociative identity disorder, I thank you for being so open and willing to reach out to others. You're very brave and compassionate. I'm sure you're a wonderful nurse as well.

[mahjia]

no sweety, you are not alone. coz i myself was sexualy abused too as a little young one. i never told it to my family or to friends...maybe bcoz unconsciously i am ashamed. so i kept it to myself for a long time and that leaded me to the situation ur are in. i say leaded coz believe it or not, i overcome the situation.
as a nurse, or a studnet nurse i came to learn about understanding the people who commits unlawful acts. it is hard thu at first and i wont deny that (i had my confession way back high school to a priest about my situation and of how i feel bout it that i swore to kill ''him'' and he just told me to rest it all to God..at first i accepted it bitterly but not now...:P). and i am not questioning your capacity in not overcoming it coz every individual as we know do have different ways in coping.
what i wanna say is be strong, keep praying and ask the Lords guidance. no one can help us better than ourselves.

[longhornfan1]

Hey all. PTSD was the root cause of my turning to narcotics to cope. I have been in recovery and on the peer assistance program for 20 months and have been clean for almost 2 years. Therapy has done so much for me in recognizing my potential for relapse and the cause of my diversion and self-treatment. Got some bad news a couple of weeks ago though. Have been on the TPAPN program and compliant for 20 months until I had a positive drug screen on the 11th for morphine. I KNOW I have not done anything wrong. But have been asked to restart the two year program fresh. With only 4 months left until completion I am freaking out. Have asked for a MRO of the positive screen and know it was the poppy seed muffins I had the day before the test. I am sure the MRO will prove this, but was told by TPAPN today that my contract prohibited the ingestion of these substances and it does not excuse the positive screen and I need to get treatment again, and sign the two year contract again. I am so grateful for TPAPN for allowing me to recover from addiction, get the treatment for my PTSD and depression, but I am really angry that they won't listen to reason. Not an addict looking for forgiveness, just reason!!!!!. Kind of off the subject, but will say, Therapy is the first step. Good luck.

[TX_ICU_RN]

Originally Posted by deeDawntee

My heart goes out to you in your struggle. I have managed PTSD, among other related disorders for many years. The most important aspect of my healing has been to be in consistent long-term therapy. It is relationship that heals. (As much as our relationships with people harmed us, it is our relationships with others that will heal us.)

Fortunately, I finally found a wonderful therapist about a three years ago. We still continue to work together occasionally, but last year my anorexia relapsed and she felt I would be best served by finally seeing an ED specialist. So, last May I began seeing my current psychologist who has been AMAZING! It is SO true that the relationship heals. I spent from 1998-2004 seeing a therapist who was a "trauma specialist" and actually made negative progress. Unfortunately, I had no idea that it was the relationship that was making me worse. When I ended up at an inpatient trauma unit for a couple of weeks, I finally realized how detrimental my therapist at the time was for me.

Originally Posted by deeDawntee

I continue to manage symptoms such as depression, dissociation and profound insecurity. I haven't had a flashback in perhaps 10 years. I am mostly a productive member of society but continue have issues with attendance at work, since I seem to be easily run-down and catch everything going around. I use FEMLA protection and my employer has not harassed me about missing work.

I think the psychological, mental and emotional drain on those of us with chronic PTSD will never go away. I am about to return to work after being on disability for just over 4 years. Before I quit working, I was a Pedi NP. I did pedi for 7 years and NEVER quit getting all the childhood illnesses you are supposed to quit getting after 1-2 years in pedi.
In October 2003, I started getting really run down and having strange, inexplicable physical issues. On December 1st, I was rushed to the ER with horrible chest pain and it turned out I had pericarditis r/t rheumatic fever. I have spent the last four years since then battling various physical and mental issues. Due to the multiple physical issues needing surgeries and hospitalizations, I went on disability. It is just now that I have finally really taken the time to confront my demons that I am able to return to work!

Originally Posted by deeDawntee

I sometimes get down on myself for missing work, but remind myself that I am lucky to be doing as well as I am. It is a matter of perspective.
It is so unfortunate that being "mentally ill" is such a stigma in our society, including and especially in healthcare. We had no control over being abused and at times it seems we continue to be abused for having issues from our abuse. For that reason, I don't talk about it at work. I have learned to keep a firm boundary in that regard.

I do know that healing is possible and managing symptoms becomes easier as time goes on. I know that I am getting in trouble when I start comparing my life to others who seem to have it all. The most important thing I do for myself it to remember that my path is valid and I am doing the very best that I can and to be grateful for all that I have done and achieved.

Don't get down on yourself for missing work. YOU ARE TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF. If I had taken the time to miss some work before my body just gave out, I probably would not have had to endure the problems of the past four years. Good for you at setting and keeping firm boundries. I wish mental illness was not such a stigma in our society and profession...and would love to see enough nurses getting together to help change that situation.

[CITCAT]

i know of a military nurse, who struggles with this problem and what is kinda sad is when they returned from duty and finished their tour and went to go back to school they couldnot nurse because of the pstd that is why I would be cautious in revealing any sensitive info because it becomes public and unfortunately even in the medical profession there is still a dark veil of ignorance regarding the acceptance of nurses with any kind of mental disorder I am not saying this to be insensitive,but wisdom calls for discretion .

[Merced]

No, you are certainly not alone. I think there's a whole lot of truth in the "wounded healer" syndrome.
And, I agree with the person who said that nursing can cause PTSD (or aggravate it to the point where it affects your functioning so much that you're forced to deal with your underlying issues. Anyway that's how it happened for me.

I left nursing in 1997 and only recently stopped having regular "nursing nightmares". Even now, I am surprised when a month goes by that I don't have one. I fervently pray I will never have another.

There was a point when I really wanted a group of nurses who I could talk to, and who could understand. I didn't find it, and I have learned that nursing was more of a symptom than the real problem.

I still have the traits, but I'm not in the grips like I was 10 years ago. I am being treated with antidepressants, and just knowing I have a diagnosis which is real & treatable is so helpful. But the main thing is my spiritual life (enough said, since that is such a personal thing).

[nyapa]

You are not alone, though because society, including our own peers, have no understanding, you may feel it. Just look at everyone's posts here ((((hugs for you))).

I am one person who lives with a person who experiences PTSD. I don't pretend to understand what he is going through. But from what I can see, it seems that there are a number of life experiences that have contributed to it. It doesn't matter what the next person has experienced, each person's own experience is significant to them, and matters.

Just remember, there are people who care.

[Franemtnurse]

Dear one, know you are in a lot of company. I still have occasional nightmares but since so much time has now passed, the dreams are becoming friendlier.

My nightmares were usually being trapped, or bad things happening that I was involved in while on my old job. That was before I became a nurse.

I am a survivor of most of the trauma however, since a lot of time has passed since the events occurred, and I never relied on drugs or drinking as crutches to get me through the trauma, but did pray a lot. I know this was in my favor.

Thankfully, we having a benevolent God who we can go to in our time of need. He gave me the strength to go through when I got to.

My brother is still a drug dependent, but very ill man now. He overdoses on his methadone, since that's the only medication he can get now. He is so much better than he was, and hopefully, one day he will seek God Who will always be there for him.

Fran

[sandygator]

I'm pretty sure my first post here was maybe in 1997...as a newly recovering addict.
After 34 years in this profession, mostly in PICU and nearly 98% pediatrics, I realized today that I am indeed traumatized by my past. I came online looking to see if I was alone. But it is not abuse within my family....today I remembered a 4 yr old... lifeless,
so pale, except for the bruises which covered his body. I remember so vividly the parent who angrily confessed that "the boy just refused to walk right"...so he beat him to death. I thought about the terror that child must have felt just before he lost consciousness. I remembered the tiny little boys we (PICU RN's) referred to as 'the blues brothers' because of the constant 'blue spells' requiring resuscitation, who all ultimately succumbed to their respective disease states. So many infants born of addicted mothers....left...just left...in the picu to be cared for by us. No family, ever.
How many mother's faces did I look into as I laid their already lifeless child in their arms after I took them away from the machines which made them seem alive for a while...sometimes very long whiles. How many times I hurt a child in the name of treatment which we all really knew was futile. Oh my God that one hurts. I remember feeling guilty about the joy I felt as one family lost a perfectly healthy child to a gsw to the head because another child would live ...perhaps...even tho it would mean a life-long regime of medications, lab tests, fear of rejection.
The broken hearts of family members over a brain dead child due to shaken baby....the sorrow I felt because he really didn't know....the rage I felt because she lied about her boyfriend and the baby to protect him.
I am thinking how there seems to be an invisible wall which surrounds the bedside of a dying child. All the cacophany of picu noises dulled by broken hearts.
So many times I was so angry yet so helpless to make a difference.
There were miracles, yes. There were triumphs, many.
But today I realize, I am traumatized. I will not return to substance abuse...which is how I suppose I lived through it all. But I am asking for your prayers as I learn how to begin to deal with this realization.
Thank you all.

[Franemtnurse]

Originally Posted by sandygator

I'm pretty sure my first post here was maybe in 1997...as a newly recovering addict.
After 34 years in this profession, mostly in PICU and nearly 98% pediatrics, I realized today that I am indeed traumatized by my past. I came online looking to see if I was alone. But it is not abuse within my family....today I remembered a 4 yr old... lifeless,
so pale, except for the bruises which covered his body. I remember so vividly the parent who angrily confessed that "the boy just refused to walk right"...so he beat him to death. I thought about the terror that child must have felt just before he lost consciousness. I remembered the tiny little boys we (PICU RN's) referred to as 'the blues brothers' because of the constant 'blue spells' requiring resuscitation, who all ultimately succumbed to their respective disease states. So many infants born of addicted mothers....left...just left...in the picu to be cared for by us. No family, ever.
How many mother's faces did I look into as I laid their already lifeless child in their arms after I took them away from the machines which made them seem alive for a while...sometimes very long whiles. How many times I hurt a child in the name of treatment which we all really knew was futile. Oh my God that one hurts. I remember feeling guilty about the joy I felt as one family lost a perfectly healthy child to a gsw to the head because another child would live ...perhaps...even tho it would mean a life-long regime of medications, lab tests, fear of rejection.
The broken hearts of family members over a brain dead child due to shaken baby....the sorrow I felt because he really didn't know....the rage I felt because she lied about her boyfriend and the baby to protect him.
I am thinking how there seems to be an invisible wall which surrounds the bedside of a dying child. All the cacophany of picu noises dulled by broken hearts.
So many times I was so angry yet so helpless to make a difference.
There were miracles, yes. There were triumphs, many.
But today I realize, I am traumatized. I will not return to substance abuse...which is how I suppose I lived through it all. But I am asking for your prayers as I learn how to begin to deal with this realization.
Thank you all.

Sandy would you consider posting this as an article? This one needs to be said. Please enter it in the contest. You never know, it could be a winner.