I am sooooooo happy that this forum is up and running,it is wonderful to have a safe place to discuss issues that to a non-addictive person would seem bizarre or inconsequential.Ok,my story in a nutshell:I had been nursing for a few years when I got into a head on mva,lost spleen and part of pancreas and was in ICU for 2 weeks,hospital for 6weeks. Came home to try to adjust and found the percocet for pain helped me deal with what I later found out to be PTSD. I limped along only using occasionally,sometimes actually for pain,and thought this isn't a problem,I'm doing great! I applied for a great job at the local hospital,was dying to get out of ltc at the time,and was hired,except had to come give drug test for pre-employment.That was the first time I realized I was physically addicted to percocet.I tried to go without for the few days before test so it wouldn't be positive,and found my skin crawling,pulse racing,sweating like a snake in a belt factory,and the only way I felt normal was to finally give in and take a percocet and it all went away.I ended up getting the job,and was thrilled by the work and terrified cause it was much harder to divert from hospital then it was from ltc.Looking back,I know some of my coworkers knew,but it wasn't until pharmacy and my NM got together and confronted me that I quit on the spot,after all I was NOT an addict,how dare they accuse me? floated between 2 or 3 ltc jobs and agency,putting off IPN,so I could keep feeding my habit and keep a paycheck coming in. Finally at one ltc their was a very courageous nurse who confronted me about multiple vials of Demerol missing and I just crumbled,too exhausted to attempt a charade. I reached out and was trying to get help and trying to figure out how to tell my SO and family,when i dealt with my first arrest from the facility i had just left.Well that's one way to come out,and I thought good,no more hiding,and now I could get clean. After an OIP,and some meetings the IPN said I could go back to nursing....I had only been clean 3 months. I was consciously trying to keep my vow of abstinence,but the disease snuck up and convinced me I could use again and wouldn't get caught cause I would be smarter this time
Well shortly thereafter I was bottoming out hard and found myself arrested again
This was actually what saved me as I had to do a year long 4 day a week outpatient program to get all charges dismissed and if I ever wanted to even think about being a nurse again. I needed that time of clarity to stop listening to the habit that wanted to be fed and start listening to what people around me at meetings were really saying,and discovering myself again. I am now clean 1year 8 months and have never been happier,much poorer,but it's great to wake each day and not be that active addict.
So I am now working on getting back to nursing,which would help mentally,emotionally,and definitely financially(I HATE waiting tables and NEVER want to see another French fry again)
So thank you all for just listening,sorry so long
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