[michigooseBSN]

I love this new forum. I, too, gave up on the other negative angry nurses in recovery forums. So here's my story (condensed version).
I'm the oldest of three in my family. The middle child had a severe uncontrolled seizure disorder. Both parents drank daily (when the sun was over the yardarm). I don't know if either was an alcoholic. Both controlled their drinking well. But we certainly had a typical alcoholic set of rules to live by. Do it yourself. Don't ever ask for help. Keep secrets within the family. Be perfect or at leasst always have it look perfect from the outside. And most importantly, don't ever feel angry.
So I was the best little girl you ever saw. High achiever. Self-sufficient.
Entered a prestigious nursing school and did well. Worked as a nurse and then taught nursing in a hospital 3 yr program and finally went back to get my MSN. I had discovered, through frat parties at college, that alcohol made me sleepy. Since I was heavily investing in looking perfect, I never drank much. I married a good man (not alcoholic but clearly he is an adult child of alcoholics) had 4 beautiful children and from the outside my life looked perfect. I was president of the PTA, sang in my church choir, etc.
Still the best little girl you ever saw.
But never in my whole life had I felt that I fit in my own skin. I truely didn't feel like I belonged anywhere. I had a wonderful facade that fooled everyone, including me, but I felt not good enough. When I returned to working as a nurse in a hospital after 12 years of raising my children, I couldn't keep up the front anymore without help. Unfortunately the help I used was alcohol and drugs. In a matter of a few years I was diverting (isn't that a lovely word for STEALING) drugs from patients. All my life I had felt that I must hide who and what I was for fear noone would like, much less love, me. Now I really had something to hide. My bottom lasted several years and they were years of terror and self-loathing. I always knew I would get caught someday but I just didn't know how to get out of the hell I was in.
Finally, on May 17, 1992, in church, I surrendered. I asked God for help, without telling him what to do (like make me strong enough to stop this). The next day there was an intervention at work. I was told to self-report to the BON and get treatment. I was so grateful to finally have someone tell me what to do that I just did it. And I still do.
On May 18, 2008 (God willing) I will celebrate 16 years of continuous sobriety. During these years I have survived multiple operations including a mastectomy, been a part of three childre's marriages, been given 2 1/2 wonderful grandchildren (attended both grandson's births and am expecting to attent the birth of my first granddaughter in 8 weeks), have a job as an elementary school nurse that I love, and I fit in my own skin quite comfortably no matter where I am. I've forgiven myslef and my parents for the past. I attribute this recovery to AA. I still attend 3 meetings a week, have a sponsor, sponsor other women, work the steps and stay in contact with my higher power. As they say, "It works if you work it" and I do. Thanks for letting me share.

[Tweety]

What a great story. Thanks so much for sharing. I definately could relate to the facade that you present to other people, and the perfectionism.

[Silverdragon102]

Thank you for sharing

[laineDec2007]

thanks for sharing. I myself have 3 years in AA. I got sober and then went to nursing school. I surely would have diverted if it had been the other way. I have much admiration for the women (and men) that still come to meetings and share their experience, strength, and hope after such a long time of sobriety. I hope to be one of these days. God bless.

[time4meRN]

Yes, I like you enjoy this site very much. It's the first one I log into. Thanks for sharing your story. I love this, I can see a lead meeting on a daily basis. Even though we arn't seeing each other face to face on these posts we all have so much in common. ( a mental obsession followed by a physical allergy )

[bigredrn57]

Surrender? What did I give up? I prefer to think of it as an advance in another direction. I've been waiting for a site like this. Be good to yourself.

[Cattitude]

Thanks for sharing your story. 16 years is an incredible accomplishment.