[rntobsntomsn]

Thanks Stinger for sharing your story. I am new to this recovery thing. I just lost my job, the best one I ever had, reported myself to the Board after being arrested and referred myself to the Recovering Professionals Program in my state. I am so ashamed of my behavior. I have always been a co dependent and never an addict. That changed about 3 years ago when a physician I worked for had no problem refilling my Lortab Rx every 2 months or so. This gradually turned into an addiction. I was never a big user, only 1/2 Lortab once or twice a day but, I did look forward to that 1/2 Lortab to get me through many days. I really thought because I was using so little that I was not addicted. That is until I decided I would call in my own Rx after my co dependent physician died. Now I knew the chances of getting caught were high so I practiced by calling in non-narcotic meds for myself and my spouse. I thought this would ensure not getting caught... and it did for many months. Now I am paying the price. Not only am I ashamed of myself but I am afraid I will never work again. I have no experience with the law, never even had a parking ticket prior to this.

I have begun meetings with the local peer assistance group for nurses and with NA/AA. I have not had a Lortab since 1/20/08 but, I sure could use one to get through this mess - only half kidding!!

Any encouragement you can all provide will be appreciated.

MC

[Tweety]

Take it one day at a time. The most important thing is that you stay clean and sober and everything will work out in time. Also in time you will learn to let go of the shame and guilt.

Thanks so much for sharing. Please continue to share your thoughts on this journey because you never know how many people you're going to help.

[kstec]

Let me just share a little story with you. My mother died at the age of 49, just one month shy of turning 50. Why, you ask? Because some doctors have no regard to getting their patients hooked on narcotics. My mother started out like most people, a back injury from working as a CNA. This happened when she was younger and of course she was your typical co-dependent, addictive type personality. She also wrote her own RX's by stealing MD RX pads. She went to rehab for that years ago, had 7-8 DUI's, not just from alcohol but prescription narcotics. Six months before she died she overdosed and coded at work. Thank goodness she was working in a nursing home where the nurses could start CPR. I drove from Illinois to Tenn. to see her. I got there the morning after the overdose. Well the hospital said it was her emphysema (sp) acting up and that she would be on an ABX for a couple of days. She checked herself out AMA. While she was in the hospital I found her MD and told him that I wanted her tested for narcotics and that she was a prescription drug addict. He told me that they had given her clonazepam that morning and she would come back positive. I then asked him not to give narcs and give her Motrin, tramadol or anything else because of this. Needless to say 6 months later I get a call that she is dead. I had just came home from vacationing with her in Tenn. 2 days earlier. She drank and took Norco and died. I don't think this or the prior overdose were intentional, just she needed more to get that buzz. When I went back down to Tenn. to bury her, you'll never guess whose name was on the bottles of NORCO. The freakin doctor who I had told that she was an abuser. I somehow think that doctors should somehow be held accountable for creating addicts. I tried to go after the doctor (not for money) to get something put on his record, but there was no documentation of my conversation with him and you can't go after a doctor on ethics. So I guess the moral of my story is, don't blame yourself completely for the addiction, your MD helped with no consideration of what he may be doing to you, which was creating an addict. I work in a family practice office and I float and yes, if I feel a doctor is overprescribing narcs, I will not call in the prescriptions, or write them out. I'll be damned if I'm going to be the bullet(narcs) in the gun that kills a patient. That is exactly what my mom's doctor did. No he didn't pull the trigger of the gun that killed her, he just loaded it. (Metaphorically speaking).. Enough of my story.... I wish you the best of luck in your recovery, but use some of your energy to get the laws changed so that doctors are held more accountable for their ability to give a patient narcs. To me those doctors are no more than a legalized drug dealer.

[rn/writer]

You are doing the most important things to rebuild your life. You reported yourself to the BON, you have owned what you did without excuses, and you have gotten yourself into several recovery programs.

You may not be able to work as a nurse for a while, but, as difficult as that might be, it can also be a blessing, giving you the time you need to get healthy again.

One of the things that nursing boards look at is what you have done to deal with your addiction. If you work at recovery and maintain scrupulous honesty, that will count for something. The peer assistance group can be especially helpful--they will know if you're not being straight with them.

As for feeling ashamed, count that a blessing. It's the people who have numbed themselves past the point of shame who have the hardest time recovering. Shame is regret after the fact. Take that powerful emotion and convert it into conscience which is that same sensation of regret before doing anything wrong. Allow the memory of this current remorse and embarrassment to help you shy away (or maybe even run screaming) from any temptation that would create those feelings in yourself again.

Remember--and this may be the most important thing--YOU are not what you did. Yes, you are a recovering addict, but you are not the addiction, nor are you the crime you committed. Your worth has not diminished one iota. Your actions and thinking need repairs, but you are still a blessed being who may even become stronger for going willingly through the recovery process.

Recovery asks for humility (the willingness to assess yourself honestly), not humiliation (the feeling of being crushed and bad).

Congrats on 16 days clean!