[VivaLasViejas]

I will never forget the day I first screwed up the courage to say those words in front of a roomful of fellow AA members. I'd only been going to meetings for a few weeks, but it hadn't taken long for me to realize that I wasn't a problem drinker, I had a drinking problem. (Only those who have fought this battle---or lived with an alcoholic---know the difference.)

Up until that day, now sixteen years in the past, I'd thought I was in control of my drinking; after all, I didn't get drunk every time, and oftentimes I'd go as long as a year between binges. But there were also entire periods of my 20s and early 30s that I didn't even remember because I spent weeks and months inside a bottle. I had blackouts. I picked fights with my husband and treated him like dirt. I hid myself away from my children. And I did awful, embarrassing things that I never would have even THOUGHT of when sober.

And I'd thought I was in control...........

But as ashamed as I was to admit that I was one of 'those' people---the ones my parents (your basic upper-class lushes themselves) looked down their noses at because "they drink"---it turned out to be the most liberating act of my life. Suddenly I was free.......to explore who I was without the mask, to learn what I wanted to be when I grew up. At age 33, I had no idea of who I was; I'd started drinking at only 13 and was a full-fledged alcoholic by the age of 19, so I was still very immature emotionally. But every good thing that has happened in my life since I accepted my own powerlessness over alcohol, happened because of my sobriety. I would be nowhere without it, let alone without God, Who continues to make it possible every day. It's as simple---and as complicated---as that.

[Spidey's mom]

Thank you Marla, for sharing your personal life with us.

Reaching out to others who struggle is brave and unselfish and compassionate.

Thank you for that too.

steph

[Thunderwolf]

Marla, you are indeed a most wonderful and precious woman to share the truthfulness of your story...laying it bare for others to learn from. This is often the power of our stories...to learn from it for ourselves as we tell it....but, also, just as importantly...others learning their own stories, sometimes for the first time, as they hear our own stories be told. When we speak from our story, from our own sacred place, we all learn...everyone of us. Thank you.

[Suesquatch]

You know, if everybody'd just let me alone I'd be fine. Sheesh!

[Tweety]

Thanks for sharing Marla. You're an inspiration and it helps me to hear your honesty.

[VivaLasViejas]

Originally Posted by Tweety

Thanks for sharing Marla. You're an inspiration and it helps me to hear your honesty.

That goes both ways, my friend.

[Angie O'Plasty, RN]

Thank you for sharing, Marla.

Through Al-Anon, I learned that the loved ones of alcoholics also need to admit their powerlessness and get help for their part in the disease process. It was the most difficult concept for me to understand that I was just as sick as my first husband, only in a different way.

Tragically, he never was able to admit that he needed help and get it. He was 47 when he died.

[jb2u]

Marla, thank you for inviting us into your life so that others may be helped. You truly are a wonderful person.

[busyrnandmom]

Hey Marla! Thank you sharing your story. So glad to hear it, it gives others including me courage to share theirs.

My name is Anne and I am an addict. I have been a nurse for 16 years and have been in recovery for 7 years. I was one of those students that when in school doing clinicals in the addiction field thinking, "boy that won't be me. Never will." Well, I learned never say never, because it bit me in the rear and I still have the "scar" to prove it.

I started diverting at work and it was before the hospital went to the pyxis. I thought it was too easy and I was too slick to get caught. Boy, was I wrong!!! Everybody on the floor knew except me and all my lies caught up with me pretty fast. Suddenly, I was just out of lies and terrified.

During treatment, I had a multitude of feelings - shame, guilt, anger, on and on and on. It took a while to even admit to my family what I had been doing. My father disowned me(for about 2 days while I was still in rehab.) Family therapy helped a lot, my family learned so much about the addiction and recovery.

When I got back home, I will never forget the feeling of terror when I walked into my first AA/NA meeting after d/c from rehab. I sat in my car for what seemed like forever thinking "I can't do this, I don't want to do this , I will die the minute I walk in the door, just have a stroke or something.''. I can't describe how releived I was to walk in and see so many faces, nurses, MDs, dentists, and laypeople that I had known forever and had no idea they were addicts.

Tweety, Marla, and all of you, thank you for sharing your stories and just being here!

Anne, RNC

e

[Franemtnurse]

Originally Posted by mjlrn97

Up until that day, now sixteen years in the past, I'd thought I was in control of my drinking; after all, I didn't get drunk every time, and oftentimes I'd go as long as a year between binges. But there were also entire periods of my 20s and early 30s that I didn't even remember because I spent weeks and months inside a bottle. I had blackouts. I picked fights with my husband and treated him like dirt. I hid myself away from my children. And I did awful, embarrassing things that I never would have even THOUGHT of when sober.

And I'd thought I was in control...........

But as ashamed as I was to admit that I was one of 'those' people---the ones my parents (your basic upper-class lushes themselves) looked down their noses at because "they drink"---it turned out to be the most liberating act of my life. Suddenly I was free.......to explore who I was without the mask, to learn what I wanted to be when I grew up. At age 33, I had no idea of who I was; I'd started drinking at only 13 and was a full-fledged alcoholic by the age of 19, so I was still very immature emotionally. But every good thing that has happened in my life since I accepted my own powerlessness over alcohol, happened because of my sobriety. I would be nowhere without it, let alone without God, Who continues to make it possible every day. It's as simple---and as complicated---as that.

Honey, my hat is off to you. I have known this for a very long time, but kept it to myself. God bless you for admitting it. Doesn't it make you feel oh so much better though? Especially when you have the kinds of friends that are here at allnurses. I love your posts.