[krisssy]

Originally Posted by southern_rn_brat

For 5 months I went to counseling with EAP weekly and did weekly drug screens with my job. Noone at work knew but the DON and administrator and employee health. My EAP counselor begged me for those months to go to treatment but I thought I could do it on my own. I had turned myself in to my job but during those months found out I was being investigated by the BON from my last job I had left a year before. I ended up having to go in front of the screening board for the BON and they "helped" me make the decision to go to treatment . lol

Actually they said I HAD to go, then sign a contract with TNPAP and my license is on probation until my contract is over. I have 2 more years to go now.

During those months that I just went to counseling and trying to stay clean on my own, I stayed clean thanks to the weekly drug screens. Other than that, nothing in my life changed. I thought that just by not using, I was recovering.

In AA they say "if nothing changes, nothing changes". Truer words were never spoken.

I went to Cornerstone of Recovery here in Knoxville. I am so lucky that one of the best rehab centers in the country is in my backyard! I didnt do inpatient treatment because I had been clean for so many months but now I wished I had. I went into their 8 week impaired professionals outpatient rehab and it changed my life.

When I got there, I was beat. Addiction had finally kicked my ass. I WANTED to be clean. They told me when I got there that I had done a pretty crappy job of running my own life and while I was there to let them be in control. It's that control that addicts dont want to give up. That's where the willingness comes in. I had to learn to be willing to let people help me. So I jumped into treatment with both feet. I was brutally honest with myself by being brutally honest with them. For the first time, I looked deep inside me and got to the root of my addictions. Thats a HUGE part of rehab...figuring out what makes you need to use...figuring out what is it in your life you are covering up and hiding from by using drugs/alcohol so you dont have to feel. It is about facing your fears.

They also say in AA that "our secrets keep us sick". It is so true! Once I finally was able to talk about the things that I felt were so horrible about me that if anyone ever knew they would run away as fast as they could, I found out I wasnt the only one that felt "that" way...no matter what "that" was! That was freedom for me! To be able to finally talk to people and not be afraid of judgement. I was able to identify issues in my life that were unresolved and start resolving them. I learned to love unconditionally the people I thought had done me wrong. Most of all though, I learned to love ME. The root of most addict's problems is that we have no self esteem. We hate ourselves and dont care if we die. Our drug loves us, it makes us feel better, it's always there for us. But it doesnt love us...it lies and wants to kill you. The more you use, the more you hate yourself and the more you cant stop.

I used to look in the mirror every day and say "I hate you! I wish youd die!". After treatment, I look in the mirror every day and say "I love you wendy!" and I mean it.

Along with working on your personal issues, treatment gives you tools to live clean and sober. You learn about triggers and the things that made you use. You learn coping skills that enable you to not HAVE to pick up that first drug ever again.

People dont relapse because they HAVE to, they relapse because the WANT to.

You get all kinds of assignments in treatment that are tailored for you. I did alot of work on self esteem, boundaries, perfectionism, co dependecy, anger. And the assignments I didnt get, I asked to have when I graduated so I could work on them at home lol.

I learned to love my "inner child". They gave me a teddy bear I named Little Wendy. I learned to love myself by loving her the way I should have been loved when I was little. She is now my best friend She loves to play dressup and go shopping at Wal Mart. And I am teaching her to crochet

I had a great class in rehab called Relapse Prevention. In that class I learned to formulate a plan for when I wanted to use. Now I have a plan, and when using thoughts hit me...the plan goes into action! It has helped me more than once.

Treatment gave me a toolbox to carry around with the tools I need for life. All I have to do is open the toolbox now and I can make it thru anything.

After treatment, I signed a contract with TNPAP for 3 years. My license is on probation. Cornerstone also sent me to an addiction therapist. I still see her weekly. Along with drugs and alcohol, I am also addicted to sex and food. I work as hard with her as I did in treatment. This is MY life afterall, I am fighting for it!

I go to AA meetings 5 times a week. I remember at first when they told me I needed to go to 90 meetings in 90 days. I thought WHOOOOOOAA now thats too much. Ya know what? I sure as heck used every day. If I dont put as much into my recovery as I did my using, I will use again.

I got married last year on my one year sober birthday to the man of my dreams. He has been sober for 4 years and stood by me thru my addiction and treatment. I'm still in the same job....weekend supervisor, and I love it. I found out that Baylor is exactly what I need.

I also go to a nurse support group every week. It is required by TNPAP. And I still go to aftercare at Cornerstone.

I've seen alot of people say "i cant go to treatment. what will my family do while I'm gone? how will I pay for it?" and a million other reasons. You just do it. For once, you do something for yourself and you do it. The money will work out. Your family will survive. Your life is more important than a job. So you made need to take a job in a different field for a while. Thats ok. But when you come out on the other side........WOW! Life is waiting!!!!

Oh Wendy, you are so lucky to have found the help you did and so brave to folow exactly what they told you to do. I think you probably encouraged a lot of people to go for help with your post. You are such a wonderful inspiration for any addict reading this. Thank you from all of us for sharing your personal story. You also show that addiction is not the end of a nurse's career. A person can recover. and I am sure that no matter what kind of nursing you do, your program of sobriety puts you in a wonderful mindset to help your patients, no matter what their disease. God Bless you.

Krisssy

[krisssy]

Originally Posted by EDValerieRN

If someone has said this already, I'm sorry.

Anyone who has faced addiction, or wants to know anything about it, should read A Million Little Pieces By James Frey.

It's an amazing, detailed story of a trip through addiction and rehab. I believe that most of us are addicts, just to different things.

I also don't believe that addiction is a disease. An addiction, at the very deep down core, is a choice. Every time you do a drug... behavior... etc, you choose to do it. Each time you use, you choose to do so. It makes someone feel better, forget. I understand the genetic predisposition, the psych part of it.... but I think that when you have a disease, you do not have a choice in the matter.

I speak as an addict. Every time I took a pill, every time I smoked, every time I had careless sex.... I chose to do so. Some part of me chose it. I broke my addiction by flat out fighting it. Every time I had the choice, I would say no. It was hard, but it got easier, and now it's a way of life.

People don't choose to have cancer, or what type of cancer they will have. People don't choose how much cancer they are going to have today. Cancer is a disease, addiction is not.

I say this with all respect to all of you, because I know addiction is a horrible thing, and I'm not trying to make light of what you have been through. Congratulations to all those who are sober. Keep on keepin' on.

I did read A milllion Little Pieces and Frey's sequel-My Friend Leonard. I enjoyed both books. I may be wrong, but I sort of felt that you over simplified addiction whether you believe it is a disease process or not. I am so happy for you that you found your own program to stop your addiction and be happy. BUT it is by no means just a matter of choosing to stop being an addict. IMO, this is a complicated disease, and not everyone can just choose to stop. It is very difficult once one becomes adduicted. IMO, many addicts can't stop even when they want to, and that is the sadness of the disease. BUT there is help available like Wendy described. We may not be able to CHOOSE to STOP in the throws of an addiction, but we can CHOOSE to get help. There is a lot of help out there. Helping the using addict to believe that there is a better way and go for help is the key. I wish just CHOOSING to stop was the simple answer, but sadly it isn't. There are genetic and psychological reasons that make it impossible for many people to stop without help just like Wendy described. Krisssy

[st4wb3rr33sh0rtc4k3]

Oh boy, this was a great forum to read. Of course I have heard stories and seen a LPN get fired for stealing and doing drugs on the property. Futhermore, at least half of my class drank, did street drugs, and ordered medications online.

Funny enough, these students were the ones the professor's respected because of their grades. But, when someone said something to the instructor, she said to worry about yourself and not others.

So, that is what we did. It was very surprising to see the "smart" classmates do these sorts of things. Not that all of the classmates who were smart did this, but they weren't respected as well are the classmates who did use.

I have worked in a prison, rehab, and mental health so I see this all the time.

Good luck to those who are working towards being sober, and the ones who are!!! Don't give up...

[LoriAlabamaRN]

Originally Posted by grannynurse FNP student

I'm sorry but why was she not reported to your state's BON, by anyone. All states have impaired nurses programs and it is mandatory to report anyone you suspect of abusing any type of drug. And any nurse who loses or has their license suspended, in one state, must report it in any other state she applies to or is license in. If you know her name, you have a responsibility to report her to her current state BON and let them investigate.

Grannynurse

I actually did... I heard that she was practicing on a Georgia license that she had gotten. I'm not sure if it was true or not, but the source was pretty good. So I submitted an anonymous report to the Ga BON with her full name. That way they will cross-reference, right? She badly, badly needed help. I'm sure she still does.

[EDValerieRN]

Originally Posted by krisssy

I did read A milllion Little Pieces and Frey's sequel-My Friend Leonard. I enjoyed both books. I may be wrong, but I sort of felt that you over simplified addiction whether you believe it is a disease process or not. I am so happy for you that you found your own program to stop your addiction and be happy. BUT it is by no means just a matter of choosing to stop being an addict. IMO, this is a complicated disease, and not everyone can just choose to stop. It is very difficult once one becomes adduicted. IMO, many addicts can't stop even when they want to, and that is the sadness of the disease. BUT there is help available like Wendy described. We may not be able to CHOOSE to STOP in the throws of an addiction, but we can CHOOSE to get help. There is a lot of help out there. Helping the using addict to believe that there is a better way and go for help is the key. I wish just CHOOSING to stop was the simple answer, but sadly it isn't. There are genetic and psychological reasons that make it impossible for many people to stop without help just like Wendy described. Krisssy

I didn't mean to come across as over-simplifying the matter. I think that at the DEEP DOWN CORE, one has to choose to stop, not to use, and get help.

I understand that after one makes that choice, a lot more goes into recovery and sobriety than just saying no and quitting. I didn't mean to minimize the importance of therapy, rehab, and support, because I do realize how important these things are. I think we all do.

[grannynurse FNP student]

Originally Posted by EDValerieRN

I didn't mean to come across as over-simplifying the matter. I think that at the DEEP DOWN CORE, one has to choose to stop, not to use, and get help.

I understand that after one makes that choice, a lot more goes into recovery and sobriety than just saying no and quitting. I didn't mean to minimize the importance of therapy, rehab, and support, because I do realize how important these things are. I think we all do.

One of the greatest mis-services ever done, to drug addicts, was the former first lady's campaign of just saying no. Yes, it is easy to say that all sorts of help is available, for any type of addict. And all one has to do is make the choice to get clean. If life were so simple. If groups, therapy, rehab and support were so easily available, wouldn't that make the world a perfect place.

Grannynurse

[gianna2111]

I can appreciate cross referencing however this nurse has to want to get help on her own. I do however agree patient safety is number one. I myself am working on this, staying clean daily and doing 12 step meetings. I feel empathy for this girl. She is running from some feeling in her life. It doesnt work. I tried for a long time. In the end you face criminal charges, state board issues and a low self esteem. I hope by doing what is asked of me now things will fall into place. I get counseling every week and go to numerous meetings. I also randomly submit to ua screens. I pray daily. It will be a lifetime battle but I embrace my fellow nurses with this same affliction.

[Bipley]

Originally Posted by grannynurse FNP student

One of the greatest mis-services ever done, to drug addicts, was the former first lady's campaign of just saying no. Yes, it is easy to say that all sorts of help is available, for any type of addict. And all one has to do is make the choice to get clean. If life were so simple. If groups, therapy, rehab and support were so easily available, wouldn't that make the world a perfect place.

Grannynurse

I'm not sure she was talking about addicts, I believe she was referring to kids in school that are not yet addicted.

[grannynurse FNP student]

Originally Posted by Bipley

I'm not sure she was talking about addicts, I believe she was referring to kids in school that are not yet addicted.

One of the corner stones of the "Just Say No' is that children were encouraged to report anyone, including parents, who used drugs. This was one of the main reason's I did not nor do I now support it. And it is an oversimplistic program that has had a minimal effect on drug usage. And I have three grandchildren, one of whom just completed this program

Grannynurse

[LoriAlabamaRN]

Originally Posted by gianna2111

I can appreciate cross referencing however this nurse has to want to get help on her own. I do however agree patient safety is number one. I myself am working on this, staying clean daily and doing 12 step meetings. I feel empathy for this girl. She is running from some feeling in her life. It doesnt work. I tried for a long time. In the end you face criminal charges, state board issues and a low self esteem. I hope by doing what is asked of me now things will fall into place. I get counseling every week and go to numerous meetings. I also randomly submit to ua screens. I pray daily. It will be a lifetime battle but I embrace my fellow nurses with this same affliction.

I totally agree with you on that. I'm scared that if this nurse hasn't hit bottom after all that happened, that her bottom might be death. I battled severe depression when I was younger, and it took someone literally forcing me to see a doctor before I got on the road to living again. I can imagine that the hopelessness and desperation are similar in addiction. I take my antidepressents daily and my life is back. But I will never forget the feeling that nothing mattered, and that I was powerless.

I am so glad that you got help. I pray that the nurse I have been talking about does the same.