[ChunLiomyRn2b]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4yrs. When we met, I was a heavy drinker and pot smoker. About a year ago, I decided to quit both to be a better person to myself and others. I felt that if I had to alter reality then my reality wasn't good. So I made a positive change for my life that I am so happy about today.

My concern is that I have never asked(nor do I feel I have the right) my boyfriend to stop doing those things himself. I don't feel that I am justified to ask him to change himself because I, personally, just couldn't do it anymore. By the way, he is very proud of me and loves the sober me much better.

I have just expressed that I "don't care" for those things in my life anymore. He is not a "drunk" nor a "pothead" but I find myself getting really upset with him when I find out that he had a few beers or took a hit off a joint with his friends. He has never said that he would live a sober life and I haven't expected that from him. I'm not sure why this upsets me. The only feeling I can describe is disappointment. I look at it like he isn't happy with the current reality, so he wants to "get a buzz" for the moment and I take that real personally.

But four years ago, I accepted this about him. I want to be able to know that our relationship can withstand the changes of life. And I want to believe that we can remain together even though I'm sober and he isn't.

Also let me say that thankfully I did not need to seek outside help to change my lifestyle......I just did. I also manage a full liquor bar, hence the career change, but I'm able to be around that element all the time, for now. I'm not saying it wasn't hard(and still is) but I don't feel that it is fair for me to ask him to change.

Others have told me that it isn't fair, but if it really bothers me, look for a sober partner. That is NOT an option for me. I love him and have to accept the good and bad. I just can't get past that annoyance and it does affect us because I make such a big stink about it. Oh and I really can't stand his breath after just 1 beer!!! Eww.

Ok I rambled, sorry, but I would like to know what anyone thinks about this. I know that there are a lot of aspects to sobriety. I appreciate any thoughts!!!

[TazziRN]

What's happening to you is common to people who get sober: they change and the people around them don't. It's not a bad thing, it just happens. What you need to do now is some serious thinking about whether or not your BF fits in your life the way it is now. It is very common for couples to grow apart when one gets sober, because sobriety brings about some heavy-duty changes, and the other person does not change. I told my daughter just today that she needs to be prepared for the possibility of growing apart from her best friend, who is still using and drinking.

[barefootlady]

Hi Chun,
Tazzi gave you some on spot advice. Only you can make the decision as to how you and the BF need to proceed. It sounds like now is the time for some honest, open, frank discussions on what each of you want and need in the future. Even though you were able to stop the other behaviors, maybe a little counselling for relationship issues would be good for you. I wish you the best.

[CHATSDALE]

ask him how he see himself and you in a few years down the road

how does he feel when he 'falls off the wagon
how do you get along when you are both sober
which him to you like the best
a lot of varibles here, be honest with yourself and with him

[ChunLiomyRn2b]

Thank all of you. You are all right and I appreciate it very much. Yes I will have to have what I like to call a Dr. Phil discussion with him about this.
Thanks again. Chun

[Meriwhen]

Originally Posted by ChunLiomyRn2b

But four years ago, I accepted this about him.

That pretty much sums it up because you can't make him change. Only he can make himself change. You can ask, beg, plead, threaten, whatever...but in the end, he's not going to change his ways unless he wants to.

Like everyone else says, you need to have that honest talk with him. If this is the man you're planning to spend the rest of your life with, you need to be upfront in dealing with your feelings about his habits and your future. Ignoring them isn't going to make things any better, nor will they go away.

Good luck and I hope it works out for you!

[ChunLiomyRn2b]

So..... I did have that honest talk with him. Actually shortly after everyone's replies, but I wanted to see how it turned out before I spoke about it.
Well, I learned that my boyfriend feels that alcohol helps with his anxiety (yes he has mild to severe bouts of anxiety). He is only 25 and used to be on meds for anxiety, at the request of his parents, when he was a teenager. He stopped the meds shortly before we began our relationship. This was in 2003. He feels that he can manage his anxiety without the meds, and that alcohol helps. I have noticed the difference and that's ok.

I can hear it now!!! I KNOW, I KNOW! Remember from my post that he does not get drunk and enjoys a couple beers(no hard liquor). I have come to realize that if it it truely makes things "easier" to cope with than I am okay with that. He didn't like what the meds did to him and instead of taking daily medication for anxiety, he chooses to use beer. He has a dependency either way, having to deal with anxiety. And as we all know, anxiety isn't a choice.

I have turned to the wonderful addage from AA to help me deal with this:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I hope this helps anyone in the same boat as me. Thank you for your support.